tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-42448997624103227332024-02-21T09:45:12.132-05:00Mary HerringtonJoin me on a learning journey through parenting and unschoolingMary Herringtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11653383802059844005noreply@blogger.comBlogger46125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4244899762410322733.post-23710627943572120922015-09-18T10:20:00.002-04:002015-09-18T10:20:33.935-04:00Letter to the Misfit HomeschoolerHello Dear Friend,<br />
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How are you? I am hanging in there. I am feeling my misfitting very much this week. Do you find that there are some weeks you simply feel it more than others? Why this week more than others? I don't know. Maybe Venus or Mars are in retrograde or something. Maybe Uranus started to show it's true colors. I have no idea!<br />
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This past Monday, I just felt lonely as hell. I mean REALLY lonely. Hubby has been traveling a lot and I am home alone with the girls and dogs all day, by myself. Do you know what's like to be surrounded by no other adults for weeks on end? To not have any close friends to go hang with? To have your days and nights consumed by other people's mental illnesses? It. Is. Exhausting! Not only physically, but mentally and emotionally as well. Add to that, I am not part of a church and we live in the Bible Belt. Not a great thing to not do around here. I have nothing against church. I simply have something against people using religion to claim bigotry and judging others is okay because of religion.<br />
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All this week, I kept seeing all these beautiful posts of other homeschooler's kids who are so advanced. They are taking college courses in their young teen years. They are reading at age 3. They are traveling the world, taking in all the culture and sites and sounds, learning more than any text book could teach them. They are trekking through forests and mountains, doing expeditions on boats and learning from experts. They are engrossed in books like <i>Pride and Prejudice.</i><br />
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Yep. You got it. We don't fit..yet again.<br />
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Here are MY signs that we are misfit homeschoolers:<br />
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<ol>
<li>Neither of my kids are headed for a National Honor Society Membership.</li>
<li>Neither of my kids are going to be part of Mensa.</li>
<li>We don't go to church & are not religious while living in the Bible Belt.</li>
<li>My youngest is "in" 3rd grade and reading at a preschool level and writing at a preschool level.</li>
<li>My oldest is a "senior" and writing at a 4th-6th grade level and reading at a 6th-7th grade level.</li>
<li>We spend more time driving to and going to therapy sessions (psychiatrist, therapist, occupational therapy) some days than doing any educational work.</li>
<li>We have no set schedule (see 6 above).</li>
<li>We don't have a ton of friends (see 3 above).</li>
<li>We don't get invited to parties very often.</li>
<li>Both my kids have mental illness, one more than the other. </li>
<li>Both my kids have severe learning disabilities.</li>
<li>Both my kids have severe social anxiety, which causes them heartbreak.</li>
<li>We don't live on a farm and we don't homestead.</li>
<li>We don't start our day with prayer nor do we end our day with prayer (but I sure do pray throughout the day!!!)</li>
<li>Both my kids are the most amazing people I have ever had the pleasure to meet and raise.</li>
<li>Both my kids are individuals and I allow them to be such.</li>
<li>Both my kids are outstanding people who have their own thoughts, wants and personalities which I encourage.</li>
<li>Both my kids have passion and want to follow those, not be stuck in a box told what to do.</li>
<li>Both my kids think for themselves.</li>
<li>Both my kids have overcome more than I can even put on this page.</li>
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Do you share any of these tell-tale signs? Do you have any of your own? I'd love to hear them. I know I don't fit in. I know sometimes it is lonely and sometimes it hurts. But, in the end, if fitting in meant losing my self, which I have fought so hard to find and maintain, then I will be lonely and hurt because those are authentic and true. How about you?</div>
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<br />Mary Herringtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11653383802059844005noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4244899762410322733.post-49451504830757796452015-09-10T09:25:00.000-04:002015-09-10T09:25:13.642-04:00Dear Trust, You Scare Me<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Dear Friend,</div>
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I've been homeschooling for 5 years now. But when I speak of homeschooling, I am not speaking of sitting at a table, text books spread and open for the next lesson to happen lead by me. Ok, sometimes that happens but not normally. When I speak of homeschooling, I speak of life learning. I speak of unschooling. I speak of autodidact learning. That sounds fancy, doesn't it?</div>
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Autodidact learning means that the person is self-taught. This quote is from Autodidactic Profiles:</div>
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"Millions of people pay a king's ransom for college tuition to learn what is free for the taking when motivated by a compelling desire to learn. In the movie <b style="font-style: inherit; line-height: 1.7;"><i style="font-weight: inherit; line-height: 1.7;">Good Will Hunting</i></b>, Will (played by Matt Damon) chides an arrogant Ivy League student for paying a fortune for an education that would be free but for the price of a library card. Although this is absolutely valid, very few people believe it. Instead they are convinced the knowledge they could acquire on their own is secondary to paying a lot of money to an institution which will attest that they have, even if they cheated their way through the process."</div>
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I will be honest here, it is beyond frightening at times to believe that children will learn when not presented with a structured curriculum. I fall into this category about every March. I was raised in public school. I was indoctrinated to think that worksheets and games which give us scores on how well we do is how we know we are learning. Honestly, I do believe there is a point to them. BUT, here is the catch: my kids do the ones they are interested in.</div>
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I can hear you groaning right now. Shhhh...trust me. The whole point of autodidact learning is to TRUST.</div>
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TRUST your child.</div>
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TRUST they are learning what they need to learn when they need to learn in.</div>
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TRUST they are going to want to learn.</div>
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TRUST that they want to become absorbed in their learning.</div>
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TRUST that worksheets and games and textbooks may not be how they learn.</div>
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TRUST that you will facilitate what they need for their learning.</div>
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TRUST it will be harder than handing them a worksheet or book because now you have to be involved.</div>
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TRUST you can do it.</div>
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TRUST it is easier than having to grade tons of papers and walk around with a really heavy tote bag full of files for you to grade during their latest lesson (although I do sometimes envy those parents because they look so important).</div>
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Every year, in the late spring, the girls and I sit down and talk about the following year. We pull up the <a data-mce-href="http://www.worldbook.com/free-educational-resources/typical-course-of-study" href="http://www.worldbook.com/free-educational-resources/typical-course-of-study" style="color: #1b8be0; font-style: inherit; line-height: 1.7; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">World Book Encyclopedia Typical Course of Study</a> and talk about what they are interested in learning. For me, this is an outline to begin from. It helps us organize our thoughts and explore different topics we may not have otherwise looked into.</div>
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Honey Bunny, my 17 year old, never thought about taking a class on psychology until we discussed it based off of that list. She also hadn't really thought about anatomy. She is enjoying both right now. Honey Bunny enjoys online classes, text books and the structure those provide for her. She enjoys knowing what is coming next. She enjoys being in control of her learning insomuch as she is in control of what she learns and reviewing for approval the classes I have facilitated in discovering.</div>
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Boo Bear, my 8 year old, on the other hand, is a free thinker and free floater. She does not like to have any sort of structure. She likes to craft..and craft..and craft. Right now, her entire world is about crafting doll items. She is severely dyslexic and has dysgraphia. We work closely with her occupational therapist, her tutor and her test administrators to make sure she is getting the education she needs (learning how to read, write and do math) while still embracing her passions.</div>
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You see, autodidactic learning isn't about letting your children play all day in the sandbox or hang out on a Minecraft Server all day while you eat bonbons and watch soap opra's. It's about truly being INVOLVED in their lives. It's about being an integral part of their lives so you can help facilitate further learning. It's about knowing what they are interested in, even learning about it yourself, so you can help open their world to new possibilities and thoughts. It's about helping them connect the dots and get from one place to another.</div>
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Autodidactic learning is not about being the authoritative parent, but instead it's about being a guide and a friend. It's about holding their hand through the journey of life like you did when they were little. It doesn't stop just because you have started homeschooling. No, it's about continuing to hold their hand and learning about the wonder of the world through their eyes.</div>
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So, whether you call it unschooling, radical unschooling, autodidactic learning, child-led learning or whatever phrase works best for you....the truth is it all boils down to one thing: TRUST in yourself and your children.</div>
Mary Herringtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11653383802059844005noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4244899762410322733.post-21365921233669229692015-09-02T09:00:00.001-04:002015-09-02T09:00:59.757-04:00Letter to Homeschool Parents<br />
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To All My Homeschool Parents Out There,<br />
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Thank you for sharing with me your updates on your gifted child. I say this with honesty, not any sarcasm. I am genuinely happy for you and your child who is duel enrolled in college at age 14. I am genuinely happy for you that your child is doing a super job at maintaining a 4.2 GPA, is president of a club and vice president of another. Yes, you are doing a great job raising the next potential leader in this world. Hat's off to you and please take a bow.<br />
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Now, for the rest of us, I want to take a moment and say this: You Are Also Doing a Bang Up Job!!! Keep it going!<br />
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For those of us who homeschool because we have children with special needs, you are doing a great job! Keep it going!!! I know some days are tough, tougher than others, but you keep going! High five me!<br />
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For those of us who homeschool because we have a child with mental illness: Congrats! You made it through another day and they are still with us on this Earth! High five me!!!<br />
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For those of us who homeschool because our child has learning disabilities: Congrats! You are on the way to breaking their secret code! Keep up the good work! High five me!<br />
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For those of us who homeschool because we don't like the way the public school is run: Congrats! You made another choice! I hope it is is all you have ever dreamed of! High five me!<br />
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For those of us who homeschool for religious reasons: Congrats! You are raising a child in the way you feel best with a moral compass for them to rely upon as they grow! High five me!<br />
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For those of us who homeschool because we just feel like it: Congrats! You decided to follow your parent's saying of: "If everyone else was jumping off a bridge, would you?" No! You decided to say NO to the bridge jumping! Good for you!!! High five me!!!<br />
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And for those of us who homeschool because we have gifted children: Please keep us updated on their progress. Maybe, someday, we will be able to post similar things.<br />
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But for today, I am simply happy to post the following:<br />
Honey Bunny has been clean from cutting for 6 months!<br />
Honey Bunny hasn't had an emotional break in a year!<br />
Honey Bunny is learning how to make her own meals and regulate her own water intake!<br />
Honey Bunny is maintaining a meaningful relationship and learning communication skills!<br />
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Boo Bear is learning how to break the code for reading!<br />
Boo Bear is learning how to subtract!<br />
Boo Bear is learning how to find her own sense of self!<br />
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Today and every day is a success!!!! I have two children alive and engaged in the world around them!<br />
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Hat's off Homeschool Parents! We are ALL doing a great job!!!! High five me!!<br />
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<br />Mary Herringtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11653383802059844005noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4244899762410322733.post-38347131549938374072015-08-30T08:46:00.000-04:002015-08-30T08:46:30.304-04:00The Art of Changing from Fear to Love<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Right now, in my life, I feel scared. My marriage is about as exciting as vanilla pudding. It's been 9.5 years and we've drifted apart during those years. We are like passing ships in the night, the dark of night. It isn't bad. It just....is. Time to work on that. I FEAR I will fail my marriage.<br />
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Boo Bear has severe learning disabilities and will need tutoring and occupational therapy. I have no idea how to handle this at all. I feel like a fish out of water. I feel like I've failed her. I feel like I have no way of coping with her needs because everything I read about how to handle learning disabilities is so counter intuitive to who she is as a person. I keep reading things about strict schedules and regimented follow through and follow up. Boo Bear doesn't thrive like that. It's why we have chosen to keep her home, so she could thrive, yet all this mumbo jumbo says to do it the exact opposite!!! I FEAR that I will fail my daughter's education.<br />
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Honey Bunny is doing well. Yet, I still FEAR. I fear she will relapse. I fear she will not be able to handle the responsibility of becoming a young adult and what that means in society. I fear she won't be able to hold a job because of her PTSD/anxiety. I fear she won't have a plan for her life for the next 2 years and she will still have me driving her around, playing on her iPhone looking at cats on Tumblr and waiting for others to fill her internal gaps.<br />
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I FEAR making commitments to classes because what if we can't make them.<br />
I FEAR my business not bringing in money.<br />
I FEAR my business bringing in money because that means more responsibility on me.<br />
I FEAR I am not where I am supposed to be in life.<br />
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Oh man, I am operating out of FEAR again. Have you been there? Are you there right now? As you can see, I am. I'm sitting here fearing and fretting away. It's not a good place to be. Actually, it's a downright horrible place to be. It's not even productive IF I stay here.<br />
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But, staying grounded in fear is NOT my way of being. You see, to me, staying grounded in fear is a cop out. It's a way of saying "I don't have to deal with any of this simply because I fear it." By doing that, you get stuck in the muck of fear. If you don't own the fear, you can't get past it and you also can't get through it and own the success of doing so.<br />
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So, what's a person to do when they are kept up at night and up early before the buttcrack of dawn because of fear? LOVE it. Yep, in the place of fear, place love. Unconditional love...for yourself.<br />
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Let me go back and substitute the word LOVE for fear and have a different outcome. Let's see how things change....<br />
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1) I FEAR I will fail my marriage... becomes... I <span style="color: red;">LOVE</span> my marriage will succeed.<br />
2) I FEAR that I will fail my daughter's education... becomes ... I <span style="color: red;">LOVE</span> that I will succeed with my daughter's education.<br />
3) I FEAR she will relapse...becomes...I <span style="color: red;">LOVE</span> that I trust her to trust herself.<br />
4) I FEAR making commitments to classes because what if we can't make them...becomes... I <span style="color: red;">LOVE</span> making commitments to classes because we will make them.<br />
5)I FEAR my business not bringing in money...becomes...I <span style="color: red;">LOVE</span> my business bringing in money.<br />
6) I FEAR my business bringing in money because that means more responsibility on me...becomes...I <span style="color: red;">LOVE</span> my business not bringing in money because it means I have more time for my family.<br />
7) I FEAR I am not where I am supposed to be in life...becomes...I <span style="color: red;">LOVE</span> where I am in life right now.<br />
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You see, replacing LOVE for FEAR completely changed the outcome of each sentence. It completely changed how things are viewed.<br />
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Operating from a place of love is hard. It's easy to get lost. Self-doubt, life changes, doubt from others are all interruptions in the way of life. It's easy to get wrapped up in fear because it is a known entity. It is seductive. Fear is sexy. It truly is. It's that excitement that occurs when we are little with that monster in the closet or under the bed. It heightens our awareness. It brings about feelings of stimulation and makes us aware of even the smallest details in our world. Now, granted, they aren't positive, but they are sexy. They are real. They make us feel alive. And, best of all, society endorses it. Society understands working out of fear. Society understands and endorses all our fears. It provides therapy and medicine. It provides movies and music to back up our fears of abandonment and isolation. Society recognizes the sexiness of fear and capitalizes on it for us. We are surrounded with fear. Advertisements are based on calming our fears....so how do we learn and remember to move out of love?<br />
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Moving from a place of fear to a place of love isn't easy. It's not as easy as saying replace one word and it's all better. No. It's much more complicated. It requires the same focus as fear, but it's more exhausting. It requires the same heightened awareness, but not of our senses but instead of our motivations. It requires INNER awareness. It requires INNER motivation. It requires maturity.<br />
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To operate from a place of love rather than fear requires a moment to moment recognition of where we are physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. The truth is, most people don't want this. They want to be able to blame others for their fear because in blaming others they are released from ownership and don't have to be aware. They can disconnect and move on with their life. Their life will be unhappy, but that is their choice.<br />
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I lost my way this summer. I began to operate out of fear rather than love. I feel it. I see it when I go back and read through my posts. I have felt so out of synch with myself that I feel like I lost the joy of summer. I lost the joy of fireflies and full moons. I lost the joy of listening to my children laugh. I lost the joy of a glass of red wine while grilling a steak and sitting by the pool. And all by choice. All because I chose fear instead of love.<br />
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Well, I officially have another month of summer left. At least about 3 weeks of it if memory serves right. It looks like I have some memory making to do in the next few weeks. Looks like my homeschool fears just have to wait and be turned from fear to love. It looks like my marriage has to do a 180 from vanilla pudding to at least vanilla pudding with some rainbow sprinkles on it for now. It looks like I have to stop fearing and start loving!!!<br />
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What fears are running your life? What fears can you change from fear to love? Are your fears fact based or are they simply imagined? What can you do right now to change even just one of those fears from a fear base to a love base? What is your new reality going to be once that happens? Keep me posted.....<br />
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<br />Mary Herringtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11653383802059844005noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4244899762410322733.post-86530155663324184962015-08-29T08:37:00.001-04:002015-08-29T08:37:45.294-04:00The Truth<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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It's been five months since I last posted. I have been trying to get my gluten free business up and running. Wanna check them out? <a href="http://www.homemadegfmeals.com/">Homemade GF Meals</a> and <a href="http://www.gfgps.com/">Gluten Free GPS</a>. I had hoped in finding something for me, I would find myself again.<br />
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Want to know the truth? I didn't. What I found was more stress; more pressure; less of me. I am frustrated, sad, more broke because let's face it starting a business isn't free. My already tentative marriage due to life interruptions it is even more so, my kids felt side lined and I feel sidelined. So, now what? I truthfully don't know. I want to throw in the towel and then keep thinking:<br />
<br />
<i>"If I do that, what have I taught my children? That when things don't go your way, you simply give up and walk away?" </i><br />
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Man, I don't want to do that.<br />
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But I also don't want to keep going the way it is going. I am unimpassioned. I am bitter. I feel it in my face. As I sit here writing this, I feel like I am sucking on a lemon. I am not excited. I am not thinking about the next dish I am going to recreate. No. I am thinking about how much money I have invested and not gotten out of it. I am thinking of how I am failing. I am thinking of.... homeschooling.<br />
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Oh come on, you knew a tie had to come there somewhere, but it's true! How many of you sit there, reading this, thinking to yourselves:<br />
<br />
<i>"I've invested so much money in this curriculum/events/classes/etc. and they aren't getting out of it what I wanted them to."</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
I know I have. I'm raising my hand, albeit sheepishly. Yep, we unschool and buy curriculum. Oxymoron you say? Blasphemous?! No, not at all because unschooling means you follow your child's passion and their wants. It is THEIR want to have curriculum. Personally, I hate it. I feel pressured by it. I feel like I am failing if I am not schooling them by the curriculum while I have purchased it.<br />
<br />
But the truth lies in who truly owns that? I do. Not them.<br />
<br />
Honey Bunny is doing great this year! She is clean from cutting. She has a steady boyfriend. They are working on what it's like to have a real relationship, not just teenage lust. She is doing her classes without being asked. She is thinking about her future. She is investing in herSELF. Sure, she's still 17 with PTSD/anxiety/depression, but we are working on the right meds and the right therapist. I finally see hope in her future. Her future isn't what others see as their typical teen future, no college in sight, but damn it she is alive and she is looking forward to having a future. I'm okay with that. I'm better than okay with that. I am ecstatic! :)<br />
<br />
And Boo Bear? Well, she's my challenge right now. She has gone for occupational therapy testing and psychological testing and educational testing all in the past 2 weeks. Why? Because something is wrong. I pretty much know what it is, but without the diagnosis, I can't get the help we need. Turns out, she has Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD). She basically feels like she's in a free fall almost all the time, which is why she seeks physical touch from someone or something all the time. She's looking for her "seeing eye dog" is the best I can describe it. She needs someone to help ground her. We will be working on skills for her to be able to do so for herself over the next few months. Perhaps, I will be able to sleep on my own again or with my husband again. It's been 8 years. I think I'm ready.<br />
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She also has severe dyslexia and dysgraphia. Dysgraphia is an impairment with written instruction. Basically, she can't write. She also has issues with <a href="https://www.understood.org/en/learning-attention-issues/child-learning-disabilities/dysgraphia/understanding-dysgraphia#item0">"orthorgraphic coding"</a> meaning she can't remember what letters go into what word. My poor little pumpkin tries so hard to read and to write and simply can't do it. At age 8, she now feels the difference and feels like she has "failed." It is heart breaking.<br />
<br />
She wants to learn about the Classics this year, and the differences between Creationism and Evolution. She wants to learn about the Middle Ages and Renaissance, especially the fashion aspect of it. She wants to learn how to speak Spanish and how to expand upon her mathematical concepts. Yet, in a cruel irony, she can't read or write. She tries, she really does, but ends up in tears and frustration. (Exactly how I feel about starting my businesses again!)<br />
<br />
So, what's a Momma to do? We've hired a tutor 4 hours a week to work with her. I am going to read everything to her. She is going to narrate her answers back to me. We are going to do a lot of one on one work. Am I looking forward to it? Honestly? No. I was looking forward to her being able to be more independent so that while she was working, so could I. But that is not what is going to happen.<br />
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You see, for her to become more independent she has to become more dependent. For me, that means remembering that life is like an arrow in archery. One must pull back before they can go forward.<br />
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So, for now, I must table my business and my personal growth for the growth of my child. Do I like that? Not really. There is a part of me that is crying out: "What about me?!!! Why don't I matter? Why do I always have to give up something for someone else to flourish?!"<br />
<br />
But I also know that I wouldn't be happy turning my back on my child and moving my SELF forward because ultimately, being her parent IS my number one job. It's the one I get the most fulfillment out of. It's the one that speaks to my heart. Being a parent, and a homeschool parent to boot, is what brings me the most self awareness and love and growth.<br />
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Perhaps, what we all need to do is stop for a moment. Do it, just for a moment dear Reader, and think about what truly brings you self fulfillment. Think about where your true values lay. There is no wrong answer. There just is your truth. Your inner truth.<br />
<br />
My truth is the world says I should be independent and have a business to show my girls that being a mother doesn't mean you give up on your dreams, but my inner truth is much more simple than that. My inner truth is simply I want to be the best parent possible, even if that means putting myself aside for them to grow; for their growth is truthfully where I experience the most joy and growth for myself.<br />
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What's your inner truth? Does it lay truthful to your world? Are you living in harmony with yourself? Are you doing one thing, but feeling another? I wasn't. In the beginning of this article, I shared with you I've been living contrary to my truth. Perhaps, that is why things are not going how I wish them to. I'm not being truthful with myself.<br />
<br />
Starting today, I am going to be truthful to myself. If I can't be truthful to myself, how can I be truthful to others?<br />
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What are you going to to today? What are you going to change?Mary Herringtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11653383802059844005noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4244899762410322733.post-51669212450967846912015-03-14T08:49:00.001-04:002015-03-14T08:49:12.473-04:00Getting Things Done vs. Spending Time Investing<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Want to know what I hate? I truly hate waking up to a messy kitchen. To me, that is the worst way to wake up. How does that picture invite you to have a nice, calm start to your day? How does it say: Come and make a cup of coffee, sit and relax?<br />
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It doesn't. To me that kitchen says: Girl-you slacked off last night and didn't do what you were supposed to do. Get your butt in gear and start cleaning right now.<br />
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Man, I hate starting my day that way! Granted, it was a choice to not do it last night. I was tired and just wanted to take a bath. So I did. I took a long, hot bath and I snuggled with Boo Bear and I sat with my husband. I didn't tackle the kitchen. I left it. I made different decisions, although I knew it would be there for me in the morning.<br />
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So why is it that we make decisions which we know are going to bite us in the butt later? I truly don't know. I'm sure there is some science behind it and someone has done a psychology thesis on it. I'm sure there is a lot of mumbo jumbo in there about risk analysis or something...but let's talk about making choices of Things vs. People for this article. Granted, these are just my opinions, and we all know the saying about opinions. Everyone has one..just like a....... belly button.<br />
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So, which do you value more? Getting Things Done or Spending Time With Loved Ones? There is no wrong answer -for you. Again, it is your opinion. Growing up, my Mom was more concerned about getting things done and spent more time cleaning and picking up than spending time with us. I have about 1 handful of memories with her. This isn't good or bad. It just is. I am not angry about it. I do not resent her. She and I are great friends now. She made those decisions based upon her wants and needs, with her history story behind it.<br />
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You see, we each approach our present moment with the scripts and movies of yesterday playing in our head, for better or for worse, it is what it is. We react to something in the present based off of an experience from our past. We plan for the future based upon experiences from our past. I mean, let's be honest here, who hasn't ever sat alone in their car preparing for a conversation with someone which we thought for sure was going to happen and we wanted to be prepared only to be shocked when it didn't happen like we planned?! We've all done it. If not, please do so later today so I don't feel like such an idiot. :)<br />
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Getting Things Done isn't bad. It has a sense of accomplishment. Dishes in the sink? Do them and they are done. Dirty clothes? Wash them and they are clean. There is a beginning, middle and end. For now, let's pretend those two things do not actually constantly go in a rotation as quickly as they do (at least in my house).<br />
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Spending Time With Loved Ones? Oh, that can be exhausting! It means not doing what has to be done and more piling up on top of whatever is still there! It means investing part of ourselves. It means being vulnerable. It means-risk.<br />
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Ah, risk. Something we all fear in our relationships. Risk of being hurt. Risk of being rejected. Risk of being told we aren't good enough. They are all pretty much the same thing. When we don't spend time with one another, because we are hurt, we don't realize that we are allowing that monster to grow. The monster called: Fear and Insecurity. It is easier to hurt another than it is to risk hurt to ourselves, so we go about our days saying how we don't like so and so and how so and so does this and that...without ever stopping to examine whether or not we've invested in the relationship with so and so.<br />
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You see, without investing into the bank account of a relationship by Spending Time Together, the relationship can't weather the hard times. All relationships have hard times. We are human. We have good days. We have bad days. Sometimes, those days add up to weeks or months or years at at a time. If we have no deposits in our emotional bank account with those in our lives, when we have those bad times, our accounts become overdrawn and we become resentful, fearful, angry. We decide we don't want to spend time making emotional deposits into THAT account because it hurts right now.<br />
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We don't often stop to think:<br />
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If I spent time with so and so and put those good deposits in, then we could withstand the bad.<br />
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Nope. We just keep moving forward, Getting Things Done rather than Spending Time Together because that is safe. That has a beginning, middle and end. It has a measurable result.<br />
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For just a moment, imagine a relationship in your life that needs some emotional deposits. In our world, it is Honey Bunny and Hubby. Oh man, for the past 4 years they have not been depositing goodness into one another's accounts, only approaching each other with distain and contempt. Only seeing the negative in one another and approaching all interactions from a stance of fear, rather than love. I'd finally had enough and asked them both to work on it, if not for themselves but for me. They both love me and this dynamic puts me in a bad spot. I have to chose my child over my husband or vise versa. Not healthy at all.<br />
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Want to know what they did? Rather defensive and brusk, they went off to play video games at Dave and Buster's last week. They went on a date. A Daddy/Daughter date. Want to know what happened? I didn't hear from either of them for 3 hours! No one was tattling on the other. No one was telling me what a jerk the other was. They shot things up. They ate. They...laughed! They made that emotional deposit into the other's emotional bank account. They Spent Time Together rather than getting things done. They both came home so happy and joking with one another. Can you imagine if they do this weekly how big that emotional bank account is going to grow? How big that love and inner relationship will grow so when they do have butthead moments, the relationship will be able to weather that storm? It gives me such hope.<br />
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It's why I chose to Spend Time Together rather than Get Things Done last night.<br />
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What are you going to release from getting done today to invest in a relationship that needs a deposit? Think about it. Let me know. I'd love to hear.<br />
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<br />Mary Herringtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11653383802059844005noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4244899762410322733.post-12396095222615422762015-03-02T07:48:00.000-05:002015-03-02T07:48:53.187-05:00Letting go of the Expected...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjoFCf-OYBbdMpJvkQ_u35G2VX7wzA-IcAqQxaRoyr5OZSsZiZ16ptU5pRtOP-eSSTUcy41vDtGmxuVx4xy_KB50qYOJIwEdQevZ1UicIHV86aQjzce84RTZBy8RqMbS7R3bvuELfh5i3H/s1600/expectations21.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjoFCf-OYBbdMpJvkQ_u35G2VX7wzA-IcAqQxaRoyr5OZSsZiZ16ptU5pRtOP-eSSTUcy41vDtGmxuVx4xy_KB50qYOJIwEdQevZ1UicIHV86aQjzce84RTZBy8RqMbS7R3bvuELfh5i3H/s1600/expectations21.jpg" height="231" width="320" /></a></div>
It's another Monday morning just outside of Charlotte, NC. My prior neighbors in and around Boston and NYC are battling the elements of snow and ice. I'm looking out on a land of mud, fog and naked tree branches. It's like late March/Early April in New England. The time when you can feel nature beginning to stir, yet it still looks all...blah and ugly.<br />
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As I sit here this morning, coffee just finished, kids still sleeping, husband off to work, dogs quietly resting, I am thinking how this scene reminds me so much of life. Usually, right before sometime amazing happens, life becomes rather: blah. You can feel the underlying tension. You can see the want for growth and change, but it has yet to happen. That's the moment when most people give up.That's the moment when people lose their dreams. That's the moment when the work just seems too much; to continue in the yuck and for what?Nothing is happening that you expected.<br />
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Perhaps, you've been in this place before. Perhaps you are there right now. Maybe you're struggling with a New Year's Resolution to change your eating habits and aren't seeing the change you expected. Perhaps a relationship with a loved one isn't going the way you expected. Perhaps your work isn't going the way you expected.<br />
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Do you notice something in the last three sentences and how they ended? The words "you expected." Ah. Take a moment and think about those two words.<br />
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You.<br />
Expected.<br />
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According to the dictionary, expected means:<br />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">ex·pect</span><br />
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<span class="lr_dct_ph">ikˈspekt/</span><span class="lr_dct_spkr lr_dct_spkr_off" data-log-string="pronunciation-icon-click" jsaction="dob.p" style="display: inline-block; height: 16px; margin: 0px 2px 4px 5px; opacity: 0.55; vertical-align: middle; width: 16px;" title="Listen"><input height="14" src="data:image/png;base64,iVBORw0KGgoAAAANSUhEUgAAAA4AAAAOCAQAAAC1QeVaAAAAi0lEQVQokWNgQAYyQFzGsIJBnwED8DNcBpK+DM8YfjMUokqxMRxg+A9m8TJsBLLSEFKMDCuBAv/hCncxfGWQhUn2gaVAktkMXkBSHmh0OwNU8D9csoHhO4MikN7BcAGb5H+GYiDdCTQYq2QubkkkY/E6CLtXdiJ7BTMQMnAHXxFm6IICvhwY8AYQLgCw2U9d90B8BAAAAABJRU5ErkJggg==" style="font-size: small;" type="image" width="14" /></span></div>
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<i><span style="font-size: x-small;">verb</span></i></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">past tense: <b>expected</b>; past participle: <b>expected</b></span></div>
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<div data-dobid="dfn" style="display: inline;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;">regard (something) as likely to happen.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">"we expect the best"</span></div>
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<tr><td class="lr_dct_nyms_ttl" style="font-style: italic; padding: 0px 3px 0px 0px; vertical-align: top; white-space: nowrap;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">synonyms:</span></td><td style="padding: 0px;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><a href="https://www.google.com/search?client=safari&rls=en&q=define+anticipate&sa=X&ei=wVb0VPHdC8qRyASJ34Eg&ved=0CCAQ_SowAA" style="color: #660099; cursor: pointer; text-decoration: none;">anticipate</a>, <a href="https://www.google.com/search?client=safari&rls=en&q=define+await&sa=X&ei=wVb0VPHdC8qRyASJ34Eg&ved=0CCEQ_SowAA" style="color: #660099; cursor: pointer; text-decoration: none;">await</a>, look for, hope for, look forward to; <span data-log-string="synonyms-more-click" jsaction="dob.m"><span class="lr_dct_more_btn" style="color: #1122cc; cursor: pointer; padding-left: 4px;">More</span><div style="display: inline;">
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<a href="https://www.google.com/search?client=safari&rls=en&q=define+contemplate&sa=X&ei=wVb0VPHdC8qRyASJ34Eg&ved=0CCMQ_SowAA" style="color: #660099; cursor: pointer; text-decoration: none;"></a></div>
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<a href="https://www.google.com/search?client=safari&rls=en&q=define+predict&sa=X&ei=wVb0VPHdC8qRyASJ34Eg&ved=0CCQQ_SowAA" style="color: #660099; cursor: pointer; text-decoration: none;"></a><a href="https://www.google.com/search?client=safari&rls=en&q=define+forecast&sa=X&ei=wVb0VPHdC8qRyASJ34Eg&ved=0CCUQ_SowAA" style="color: #660099; cursor: pointer; text-decoration: none;"></a><a href="https://www.google.com/search?client=safari&rls=en&q=define+envisage&sa=X&ei=wVb0VPHdC8qRyASJ34Eg&ved=0CCYQ_SowAA" style="color: #660099; cursor: pointer; text-decoration: none;"></a><a href="https://www.google.com/search?client=safari&rls=en&q=define+envision&sa=X&ei=wVb0VPHdC8qRyASJ34Eg&ved=0CCcQ_SowAA" style="color: #660099; cursor: pointer; text-decoration: none;"></a></div>
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<div data-dobid="dfn" style="display: inline;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;">regard (someone) as likely to do or be something.</span></div>
<div class="vk_gy" style="color: rgb(135, 135, 135) !important;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;">"they were not expecting him to continue"</span></div>
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<tr><td class="lr_dct_nyms_ttl" style="font-style: italic; padding: 0px 3px 0px 0px; vertical-align: top; white-space: nowrap;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">synonyms:</span></td><td style="padding: 0px;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><a href="https://www.google.com/search?client=safari&rls=en&q=define+suppose&sa=X&ei=wVb0VPHdC8qRyASJ34Eg&ved=0CCgQ_SowAA" style="color: #660099; cursor: pointer; text-decoration: none;">suppose</a>, <a href="https://www.google.com/search?client=safari&rls=en&q=define+presume&sa=X&ei=wVb0VPHdC8qRyASJ34Eg&ved=0CCkQ_SowAA" style="color: #660099; cursor: pointer; text-decoration: none;">presume</a>, <a href="https://www.google.com/search?client=safari&rls=en&q=define+think&sa=X&ei=wVb0VPHdC8qRyASJ34Eg&ved=0CCoQ_SowAA" style="color: #660099; cursor: pointer; text-decoration: none;">think</a>, <a href="https://www.google.com/search?client=safari&rls=en&q=define+believe&sa=X&ei=wVb0VPHdC8qRyASJ34Eg&ved=0CCsQ_SowAA" style="color: #660099; cursor: pointer; text-decoration: none;">believe</a>, <a href="https://www.google.com/search?client=safari&rls=en&q=define+imagine&sa=X&ei=wVb0VPHdC8qRyASJ34Eg&ved=0CCwQ_SowAA" style="color: #660099; cursor: pointer; text-decoration: none;">imagine</a>, <a href="https://www.google.com/search?client=safari&rls=en&q=define+assume&sa=X&ei=wVb0VPHdC8qRyASJ34Eg&ved=0CC0Q_SowAA" style="color: #660099; cursor: pointer; text-decoration: none;">assume</a>, <a href="https://www.google.com/search?client=safari&rls=en&q=define+surmise&sa=X&ei=wVb0VPHdC8qRyASJ34Eg&ved=0CC4Q_SowAA" style="color: #660099; cursor: pointer; text-decoration: none;">surmise</a>; <span data-log-string="synonyms-more-click" jsaction="dob.m"><span class="lr_dct_more_btn" style="color: #1122cc; cursor: pointer; padding-left: 4px;">More</span><div style="display: inline;">
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<i style="padding-right: 4px;"></i><a href="https://www.google.com/search?client=safari&rls=en&q=define+guess&sa=X&ei=wVb0VPHdC8qRyASJ34Eg&ved=0CDAQ_SowAA" style="color: #660099; cursor: pointer; text-decoration: none;"></a><a href="https://www.google.com/search?client=safari&rls=en&q=define+reckon&sa=X&ei=wVb0VPHdC8qRyASJ34Eg&ved=0CDEQ_SowAA" style="color: #660099; cursor: pointer; text-decoration: none;"></a><a href="https://www.google.com/search?client=safari&rls=en&q=define+figure&sa=X&ei=wVb0VPHdC8qRyASJ34Eg&ved=0CDIQ_SowAA" style="color: #660099; cursor: pointer; text-decoration: none;"></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">believe that (someone or something) will arrive soon.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">"Celia was expecting a visitor"</span></div>
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Let's discuss this for a moment. First, why are you living your life in the past tense? To live your life in the past tense means you miss out on the here and now. You won't get to enjoy now until the future, but the slight of hand here is since you didn't enjoy it in the here and now, you are unable to enjoy it in the future.</div>
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Why are you holding others to your expectations? Who made you the one to whom those expectations are to be held against? Are you in control of it all? Are you omnipotent? I'm not. Sometimes I wish I was and then I realize that the duty to do so would be beyond my comprehension. :)</div>
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If you remove expectations from your life, you can remove much disappointment. What?! I know you're shaking your head at me going: Girl, are you CRAZY?! If I remove expectations, then how will anything get done well? How will I be able to hold someone to a level of quality if I don't expect it? Girl. You HAVE gone crazy!!! </div>
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No, I haven't gone crazy. Think about this for a moment. If you remove what's expected from your dynamic with a relationship, you will then enter into each moment with that person in the here and now. You won't be approaching them and looking at them with the lenses of the past, reacting to things that have happened in the past and projecting them into the present/future thereby creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. </div>
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Can you imagine that? Imagine a world where you entered into the relationship with your spouse without bringing forth all the old baggage into the here and now. Imagine if you thought of their actions without negative intentions. </div>
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Imagine if you approached your relationship with your child in the here and now and not with fear of the future and fear about what decisions they may (or may not) make. </div>
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Imagine if you approached your boss/job with no prior pre-conceived notions about their negative responses but instead met them today with an open mind, open heart and lack of fear.</div>
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You see, when you let go of the expected, you make room for the unexpected - which can lead you down the most amazing path. Now, I'm not saying don't expect an abuser to not abuse. In no way am I suggesting you enter into a relationship based upon abuse and expect them to do different. I've been there. I know that one. That won't happen. </div>
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I'm talking about relationships which are based upon the basis of a mutual care and respect for one another. Can you imagine how that would change your interactions? Can you begin to fathom how your world would change? Can you think about how that would feel? To live in a world, for yourself, where you approach the exterior world you live in from a place of interior peace, love and giving rather than fear, tension and self-protection?</div>
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When you change how you view the world, you change your interactions with the world. </div>
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Today, my dear Reader, approach one relationship you have in the here and now. Approach a loved one consciously, not with the past in mind during an interaction, but in the here and now. Listen to what they are saying. I mean REALLY listen. Don't be thinking about how to react to it. Act with it. Be WITH that person. Approach them with love, compassion and an understanding that the past was at the past. Let it go. Do this over and over. Day after day. Over time, and probably a short amount of time, you will begin to see the relationship shift from one of distrust and fear to trust and love. </div>
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I'd love to hear from you after you've done this experiment. If need be, do it with yourself. There is nothing wrong with taking yourself on as this experiment's project. Maybe that's who most needs your loss of fear and criticism. </div>
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Today, my dear reader, decide to become the rose buried beneath the snow and hold strong and firm to the belief that you are meant to bloom and be beautiful. We are all beautiful.</div>
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Mary Herringtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11653383802059844005noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4244899762410322733.post-37393995605985217072015-02-12T06:56:00.001-05:002015-02-12T06:56:15.183-05:00TRUST <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Life is a funny thing. As soon as you think you have it figured out, it changes on you. In reflection, it's sort of like a babies sleeping pattern. As soon as you feel you have it manageable and you are getting more than a few snippets of sleep at a time, they go ahead and change it up on you again; always keeping you on your toes!<br />
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Recently, that has been my life. In the past month, I have started a new business. I truly don't know how it's going to go. I've done the research. I've done the ROI. I've run the numbers. I've invested time, energy and finances to it. I've also had to TRUST things will work out for the best.<br />
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You see, TRUST is something that is difficult for so many of us to actually have and practice. We are taught NOT to trust ourselves, our children, our spouses. Oh sure, we talk a great game: "Of course I trust my spouse." and then we find ourselves sometimes doubting in the dark recesses of our minds, in the middle of the night, while they are away on yet another business trip. "Of course I trust my child." Until they follow a path that isn't congruent with what we had imagined for them. "Of course I trust my life will turn out as it should be." Until a curveball comes our way and we are knocked flat on our arse, trying to figure out what just happened. <br />
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Let's be honest, Reader, how much do you really TRUST that your life is on the path that it's supposed to be? Right now, that's all I have to fall back on. I have to trust that things are going to work out the way the Universe/God/Goddess-whatever you identify as the Higher Power to be-intend it to be.<br />
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So back to starting this job thing..it started by simply sending out a pretty email to a few friends with a concept idea. I already menu plan for my family for three meals a day, why not make that into a business? Sure, there are tons of options out there, but none that are dairy free, corn free AND gluten free. A friend saw the email, passed it onto another friend who happens to run the Gluten Free and Allergy Awareness Events across the country. They loved the idea! The business was born.<br />
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It's not my first time around this block. It's my 4th start up. The other 3 were semi-successful but life has always interrupted them, curveballs thrown and caught and life has taken on another route. This time, things aren't perfect but they ARE going well. Let me share....<br />
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I started because Honey Bunny was stable. The most stable she had ever been. (Notice that past tense there?) No cutting for 10 months. No anorexia acting up. No bipolar breaks. Two weeks after starting the business, she cut. Two day later, she cut again. I had to decide whether or not to allow her addiction to cutting to control my dream of starting this business. This is where Whole Life Unschooling comes into play.<br />
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She and I sat down together and talked about how her choices were impacting the family and the decision to stop the business. I have always put my kids first. I admitted to her that her safety and her life are more important than any business. She admitted she didn't want me to stop my dream. She told me that her addiction was her struggle and that if I allowed it to control my life, if I gave up my dreams when the going got tough, how would she learn to pull through them? She would only learn, from me, to give up and give in when things got tough.<br />
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Read the last sentence of that that paragraph again.<br />
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Wow! Did that open my eyes. To be honest, I wasn't overly productive that week on the business but I was more so than I would have been. Together, the honesty and TRUST that we have in and with one another is why <a href="http://www.homemadegfmeals.com/">Gluten Free Homemade Meals</a> meal planning business is going forward.<br />
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A few days later, Boo Bear came to me and shared she didn't want to be homeschooled anymore. She's bored. She wants more friends. She wants more to do each day. The business was taking time away from her and she didn't want me to stop going after my dream when she could help me find other solutions. Again, I had to TRUST my child to know her wants, needs and ability to communicate it to me.<br />
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Together, we found a <a href="http://mosaic.agilelearningcenters.org/">wonderful agile learning center </a>12 miles from our home. She'd visited it once before a year ago, but wasn't ready to attend. Now, a year later, she is ready. She is doing her test visits there this week. Yesterday, she came home and was in tears. She was frightened with my not being there. I held her in my lap, let her unwind, allowed her to tell me all her fears and about 30 minutes into her unloading, SHE began to come up with solutions to her fears.<br />
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Boo Bear, at age 7, was able to TRUST HERSELF that SHE would be able to come up with solutions to help combat her fears. She dictated her fear and the solution to me. I wrote them for her. I TRUSTED that she knew what was best for her. I didn't step in. I didn't offer to solve it for her. I trusted that she was the expert on her. If Boo Bear didn't want to return to the school, so be it, we'd find another alternative. She shared knowing I trusted her to make the decision which is best for her allowed her to work through it and determine she does want to return and attend. She has a good time there. She has friends. She has a community.<br />
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So, where does all this leave me? Well, kinda trusting in the universe. Last week, I saw a request for gluten free bloggers to receive new gluten free products, review them and post their reviews. I entered. What did I have to lose? I had a feeling it would turn out okay. I TRUSTED in myself and my inner intuition. I don't really have a foodie blog here. You know that. I'm here talking about my kids and our journey, which just happens to also involve being gluten free. Sure, I could make that my focus, but I don't.<br />
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I woke up at 5am to a purring dog (yes, you read that right, the puppy, Major Muttly, purrs us awake. It's the cutest thing). I started a cup of coffee and decided to read my emails. I mean, who reads their emails before coffee at 5am? I just felt compelled to. Like this little voice was saying: "Go ahead. Start your day." So I did. I TRUSTED my instincts.<br />
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And there, in black in white was not only my acceptance of the product for review but also I will be receiving 2 boxes to give away! And best of all, this big time blogger...GF Foodie...LOVES my blog! What?! Are you kidding me? I just sit down and write from my heart. That's all I do. No planning. No calendar. Just me, a cup of coffee, some toast, a sunrise and a keyboard. That's it. I just...wing it. Anyway, back to the awesome gluten free product boxes..I can't wait until they come to see what's in them! It's a Love With Food by G-Free Foodie box. It will be like Christmas in February or March!<br />
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And guess what else is on the calendar? Next week, the kids and I are driving to south Florida to do our first trade show. Will it bring in business? I don't know. I hope so. I TRUST it will. Then there is another one the month after. And if those two go well, and bring in business, one a month for the rest of the year if I so chose.<br />
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Dear Reader, I ask you this as I wrap up my early morning thoughts:<br />
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Where in your life do you need to practice more trust? In yourself, your decisions? With your children? With your spouse? With your life?<br />
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Today, as you ponder this question, look over all the wonderful things in your life. Give thanks for them. If one comes your way which isn't so pleasant, give thanks for that, also. Why? Because without the rain there is no rainbow. TRUST things will turn out the way they need to be for YOUR life and those around you.<br />
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Trust. A small word attached to such fear. Release that fear and let go!Mary Herringtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11653383802059844005noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4244899762410322733.post-57187484269833755252015-02-03T09:46:00.000-05:002015-02-03T09:46:02.751-05:00Unschooling & Business<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Wow! Has it been a busy month! January flew by faster than geese flying south for the winter! During the month, the family and I decided to start a new business adventure. I happen to specialize in gluten free, dairy free, corn free recipes. It's my passion and it's something I have done for 5 years. On a whim, I decided to see if there would be interest for meal plans with recipes and a shopping list, which I do for my family anyway, on a monthly basis. Boy did I hit a gem! Within 3 hours of sending out my original test email to friends and family and Facebook friends, I was approached to participate in a nationwide tour of Gluten Free & Allergy Wellness Events. Wow! Guest speaker spots, webinar spots, a table, etc. Thus began the flurry of the activity of starting a new business.<br />
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There was a website to design. New software to research, purchase and learn. There was information on how to register for an LLC in my new home state of North Carolina. There was learning how to input the recipes, format them, figure out the right layout for the shopping list. There was discovering what is the best flow on the website, creating pages, taking photographs of the meals as we tested and prepared them, uploading said photographs and linking the pages. And then there was reality: I am the mother of two kids with a large age spread (9 years), I am training a puppy, have another older dog, a house to maintain, a husband who also needs attention and laundry! Oh my gosh, WHERE do all these clothes come from!!!!!????<br />
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So, you get my life in January, yes? How does this all relate back to unschooling? Easy. You see, as Whole Life Unschoolers, we see learning as a life long adventure. It's not just for my kids. It's for us as adults too. I didn't go off to a class to learn about how to research recipe programs. I figured it out on my own. I didn't take a class on how to design my website. I researched it on my own. I didn't go to a class or an attorney to file my LLC paperwork. You guessed it, I figured it out on my own. <br />
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This is how we live our lives. We figure things out as we go. It's not that difficult. My kids live in the real world. I hear so often how are my girls going to know how to operate in the "real world." Let me ask you this, dear Reader, how in God's creation will sitting in a room, behind a desk or at a table, with people all the same age, with the same experience levels with 1 person telling them what they should know, is going to prepare them for the world we, as adults live in?<br />
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The adult world is varied and vast. We interact with others of ALL ages. We do not live in a cubical of only like age people. If you work corporate, you do not only associate with others within a 12 month basis of your age. You speak with everyone from children to elders. No one gives us a laid out schedule of our time, we have to figure out our days ourselves.<br />
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That is what my children do, with our guidance. They figure it out. How is my starting the business affecting my family? To start with, it was Hubby who pointed out all the ways doing this will be educational to the girl. This, coming from a man who thought Whole Life Unschooling was poppercosh before he was home with us for 18 months due to unemployment. Hubby pointed out how this will be a great education in economics, entrepreneurship, budgeting of time and money, actual start up application, photography, reading, math, history, etc.<br />
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What is the family learning along this journey?<br />
1) Hubby is learning, first hand, how much I really do around the house because he is having to pick up a large majority of it. He doesn't know how he's going to work full-time, keep the house picked up and clean, dishes done, laundry done, dogs walked and trained and keep the meals going on a regular basis over the weekends. He was so overwhelmed after only 5 hours, he retreated to bed!!! I had to come in and gently speak with him about how it is best to ask for guidance and assistance. It make me frightened when he retreats to bed after telling me to go for it with the business. Together, I showed him ways to accomplish the daily goals without being overwhelmed, how to laugh through it and how to feel proud of it rather than overwhelmed. Sunday was much better, even with the Superbowl!<br />
2) Honey Bunny is my photographer. She is an excellent photographer. She is also helping me plan our "costumes" for the trade shows, assisting in the road trip planning with where to stop and enjoy the drive to South Florida and helping me with the financials - observing and seeing how a budget is important. She has been taking a Dave Ramsey's Personal Finance course and is learning, first hand, how credit works, how it best to operate off of cash, and how having a savings account is important and allows for choices without having to pay interest on those choices. She's also teaching me all about social media! Her boyfriend is even doing my data entry on the website.<br />
3) Boo Bear is helping me with the recipe creation. She is creating her own recipes to test, writing them down as we go, working on her reading and fractions in the process. She is also reminding me when to stop and go enjoy the sunshine, listen to the birds and partake in the smaller enjoyments of life.<br />
4) The dogs? Well, they are reminding I can't sit for too long at the computer and I must go out to throw a ball, walk them and get moving. It's easy to stay at the computer and work all day long when one is excited about what they are doing.<br />
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For us, this is a family adventure. It's not just Mom out here on my own, doing this by myself. For us, living in community with one another, on an equal basis with a say in what happens in their lives as well as my own, is what works for us. Mutual respect, listening, caring and allowing THEIR gifts to shine through is what is going to make this work. I'm not telling Honey Bunny what she has to do. She has stepped forward and offered. I'm not telling Boo Bear what she has to do. She has stepped into the kitchen and made up recipes on her own. Yes, at 7 I trust her in the kitchen. She takes professional cooking classes, why shouldn't I?<br />
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In the end, Whole Life Unschooling is about adding to our lives, about expanding our horizons and encouraging one another's growth through the venue of love, not fear. Am I fearful this will all be a flop and a waste of time and money? Sure I am. Am I going to allow my fear to control me? No. Because even if the business concept turns out to be a flop and a bust, look at how much more we learned along the way!<br />
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Life is learning. Embrace it. See it. Love it. Enjoy it!Mary Herringtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11653383802059844005noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4244899762410322733.post-2946979398801419292015-01-08T08:32:00.001-05:002015-01-08T08:33:50.037-05:00Three Secrets To Budget Friendly Multiple Food Allergy DietIt's a new year. 2015. It has been 2015 for about a week and a half. Have you changed anything drastic about your life? I haven't. I'm attempting to go without grains, nightshades and sugar which adds to my already restricted list of food allergies of gluten, corn and dairy. Both grains and nightshades make my stomach feel weird and I get seriously bloated, and sugar I know I'm sensitive to. But the question often asked is: "Are you making your family do the same?"<br />
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No, I'm not. My family does follow the gluten-free diet simply because cross contamination for me lands me in the hospital. Eating gluten causes Honey Bunny's <a href="http://www.drkaslow.com/html/gluten-brain_connection_.html">brain to swell </a>and have suicidal urges. The link there is about the gluten-brain connectionYeah, that's not a great one with a teen who already has other challenges. For Boo Bear, gluten contamination results in migraines. Not right away, mind you, but about an hour later. She is in severe pain, crying and miserable. And Hubby? Well, he gets the trots. Believe it or not, even our dogs are gluten free! Baby loses her fur when gluten is in her diet and Major? Well, he's never had it so I don't know.<br />
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But am I asking my entire family to go corn, dairy, nightshade and grain free? No way! Unless those foods bother them, I see no reason to. They DO bother Boo Bear and she is going to try it with me.<br />
We will see how she does.<br />
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So, how does one Momma help their family regulate what is "safe" to eat? Easy. I meal plan. And when I talk about meal planning, I am talking about a month's worth of meals for breakfast, lunch and dinner. It takes me about 2 hours a month to sit down, plan it out, make sure I have the left over recipes used and try to keep my grocery budget about $600-$700 a month. I've been able to do it for $400 but that was when we were eating mostly beans due to unemployment and had assistance from food pantry lines for produce and meats due to a special donor in my old hometown in Connecticut.<br />
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The best resource for me is <a href="http://www.emeals.com/">Emeals.</a> I LOVE this site! It is a pay for subscription site. The options it offers are amazing! Every Wednesday, I get an email with 7 nights worth of dinner, recipes and a shopping list!! They offer everything from Paleo, Gluten Free and Vegetarian to Budget Friendly, Kid Friendly and Diabetic! I save thousands every year using this service! They have recently added a lunch and breakfast menu but I am unable to use them because they are not as diverse as their dinner options.<br />
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I also use <a href="http://www.supercook.com/">Supercook</a> when I do in-house shopping. What is in-house shopping you ask? It's when I go shopping in my pantry, freezer and fridge. I do this about once a month. I print out a shopping list from a <a href="http://www.grocerylists.org/ultimatest/">pre-made grocery list</a> and use it as an inventory list. Rather than write everything down I do have, I just check off what's on the list, notate if I have something additional, and from there hop on over to <a href="http://www.supercook.com/">Supercook</a> and put in what I have. From there, <a href="http://www.supercook.com/">Supercook</a> goes out to the net and finds recipes with my ingredients on hand and lets me know what I would need to add! It's like having a personal chef in my kitchen helping me make up my monthly menu. Who wouldn't like that?<br />
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I then open up my template for an entire month of meal planning from<a href="http://www.goodolddaysfarm.com/2014/12/easy-peasy-monthly-menu-planning-free-printable/"> The Good Old Days Farm</a> and type in my choices. It works best when printed because typing it is a bit awkward, but I make do. It isn't really made to be typed in. I kinda force it to happen that way. I have girly handwriting and can't make my writing fit in their nice little boxes. Come to think of it, I've never been able to fit inside a box. Goes to figure...<br />
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As I'm writing up my monthly menu, I am making a weekly list of what I need to supplement. I get my meat from a local butcher who offers grass fed beef and grub and peck fed chickens for $4.25 a pound. It's a 30 minute drive for me, but worth the savings. I also attempt to visit a large farmers market which is open all year round about 45 minutes away every other week, and when there buy mostly the $1 bags of fruit or veggies about to go over or bruised and use those to make things like apple sauce, sweet potato chips and pickles with smaller cucumbers. To fill in other things, I use Aldi's and buy responsible priced organic produce.<br />
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My kids and hubby don't suffer. We have a house full of fruits and veggies, homemade chips and some store bought chips, we have cookies in the house or I use making cookies and a math lesson in fractions or a science class in chemical reactions. We make gluten free bread about once a week. That's usually gone by dinner. We have well balanced meals. We have variety. We have colorful plates of dinner and we even eat the D word...dessert. Can you believe it? All without dairy or gluten or ... corn. And they taste good.<br />
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Lesson here is it IS possible to eat a restricted allergy diet on a budget. You just have to be more creative. Feel free to share below what other tips YOU have on how you save money on groceries.<br />
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Happy Shopping Everyone!<br />
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<br />Mary Herringtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11653383802059844005noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4244899762410322733.post-19025433535365673612015-01-06T09:46:00.000-05:002015-01-06T09:46:02.208-05:00Parental Sex-The Good, The Bad and the Hysterical<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Since I've touched upon the subject of teen sex, I thought I'd bring up the subject of Parental Sex. You know, that thing you did to <u>have</u> kids. Remember that? Remember the moments of excitement, new panties and bras? Remember when having sex was an adventure of finding new places and ways to make your partner's toes curl? Yeah. Me, too.<br />
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It's like a foggy memory right about now. Now it's totally different. We've been together almost 9 years. In that time, we've transitioned from mid-30's to mid-40's. Our bodies have changed. We've gone from having elementary aged and infant aged children to teens who want to have sex, and some are probably having sex more than us, and an elementary aged child. We've gone from new panties and sexy bras to some dingy, ugly panty thing I found at Walmart 3 for $1 and a nude bra which has lost it's shape somewhere along the way from being tossed in the dryer among a dozen teenage girl used towels.<br />
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And let's discuss sex. I mean, really discuss sex. Anyone else here find being discovered by their kids more upsetting then having your parents catch you as a teen?! I call it: "Batman Sex." That is sex done with 1/2 your clothes on, if not more, the TV on in the background of some boring sitcom with canned laughter. You keep the old pj top still on just in case someone of a younger age walks in on you. In addition to the 1/2 clothes on, there is also the blanket over the body thing like a cave. You sit on top of him, or he on top of you, and you pull those damn things up almost over your head, creating a "Bat Cave" where no one can see what you're doing. You have sex so fast that he finishes way before you because it's been weeks, if not months, since your last session in the Bat Cave and your ears are open, listening for any feet which may come your direction for which you instantly hop off of one another, pull up your bottoms, and sit up in bed watching TV like nothing was happening, only to be asked for a cup of water from a very capable child who loves to climb on the counters at any other time of the day but right then.<br />
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Or, even better, the kids are out of the house. You can have sex with the lights on, naked, and be loud. So exciting! You are finally childless and you spy the dishes in the sink. You know no more will be made for a few hours so you begin to think about all the things you could be doing while the kids aren't home, such as straightening up, dishes, laundry, dinner prep - heck, maybe even another night's dinner prep, and hubby is like: Come on, Bat Girl! I'm READY! So, you leave the dishes to go into your room. You quickly disrobe and begin laughing-hysterically.<br />
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There is my middle aged husband, belly paunch from needing to lose 30+ pounds, standing there in all his...glory...and there I am in my dingy underwear trying to feel sexy. OMG..it doesn't happen. I just begin to laugh. I can't help it. We look so pathetic! Then, we start to try and make out but I'm still laughing between kisses. Our bodies are like jello. We are jiggling all over. I mean his moobs touch my boobs and I laugh. I can't think of anything more scary than seeing me naked! I've seen myself looking down into a mirror. I know what I must look like when I'm on top and man, that shit is scary! I swear my entire face/neck just slide to the tip of my nose. I think I'm having a sexy type face when he bursts out in laughter and asks me if I have to pee. He tells me the best way to stop the teens from having sex would be for them to walk in on us because it would scare the hell out of them!<br />
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At this, we both laugh hysterically, he finishes and I'm still thinking about the dishes that have to be loaded in the dishwasher, the laundry that needs to be switched over and how my entire body, which used to be firm and feel sexy, has become a jello wrestling match all by itself.<br />
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We shower, put our clothes on and share a cup of wine, exchanging sweet nothing glances about the silliness we did a few minutes ago. We know it may be weeks or months before we are alone again. He knows I have on fresh but dingy undies again. I know chances are he didn't grab a fresh pair of boxers.<br />
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The kids come home and life is back to normal. But, later on, I sneak into the closet and exchange my current shirt for my Batman shirt and we both laugh hysterically.<br />
<br />Mary Herringtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11653383802059844005noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4244899762410322733.post-33665606207811954432014-12-23T08:29:00.000-05:002014-12-23T08:32:07.847-05:0010 Things I Wish I'd Known<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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As 2014 comes to a close, we all tend to become rather nostalgic and think about the past and what we want to change for the next year. I've had Honey Bunny home since 2010 and have been thinking about how far we've come; from a young middle schooler to at the middle of her junior in high school. Here's what I wish I'd known entering into the realm of life learning and home education:<br />
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1) <b>There Is Only One Way Home Education Works</b>. Yep, you read that right. It's the way that works for YOUR child! After years of trial and error, we discovered Honey Bunny requires structured learning and assignments. Boo Bear? Open ended and free flowing learning. Both are on opposite ends of the learning spectrum and both are learning a ton!<br />
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2) <b>Keeping Doubters In The Loop Is Important.</b> Remember, it is their fear that motivates them. Try creating a daily log update, or a weekly update, something that is encouraging and shows the learning. With Boo Bear, when my in-laws didn't quite understand why we were educating her at home, and without a curriculum, I made sure to take pictures every day and at the end of the month create a slideshow presentation showing her progress in all subjects. They loved that they had an update on their granddaughter and could see her learning subjects more in depth than school and it gave them something to brag about at luncheons. For me, it showed a progress of learning which felt good to look back upon.<br />
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3) <b>Prepare Yourself For Spontaneous Learning.</b> Sounds like an oxymoron, huh? Here's an example: when going to the playground, I look up physics terms and explanations. I focus on only one or two because truthfully, I never took physics and my memory for it won't be grand. While we are there, I introduce the concept, the vocabulary and the explanation - all while having fun. We also do an SAT word of the week. So Boo Bear, who is 7, has a full vocabulary of large SAT words at her disposal in her conversations. If everything is learning, then learning is everything.<br />
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4) <b>Keep Your Priorities Straight!</b> For some, that is keeping everything organized, for others it's making sure you enjoy the beautiful weather and allow the dust to gather for a rainy day, for another it is keeping up on the latest gaming updates. Remember to check in with yourself and your kids on a daily basis. Priorities change daily. Ask yourself and your kids what your daily goal is and check in at night to see if it was accomplished. If it wasn't, did something happen to usurp that priority? Did it change? Why didn't it happen and what could be done differently next to for it to be accomplished? Use small opportunities like that to introduce the concept of priority planning. It is a life long skill needed for almost every aspect of life, from bills to vacations.<br />
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5)<b> You Won't Feel Qualified and You Will Doubt Yourself. </b> Yep. It's going to happen. You may be curriculum. You will try things on and take them off. You will wake up in the middle of the night and think: "OMG! What am I doing?!!!" and fret all night long. That's pretty normal. Forgive yourself and move on. If you are feeling that way, and if you keep a log, go back and look over it. That helps me. I keep a log of things completed each day because it makes me feel better. I grew up in a home/society that placed high value on education and higher education. I'm stepping off that treadmill because it doesn't work for my girls, but the old tapes sometimes come and bite me in the butt. The logs are for me and my sanity. (I like <a href="http://hedua.com/cart/index.php/wpd/wpd14-15.html">The Well Planned Day</a> the best. It has 4 lines per day, per subject=lots of room for my girly handwriting.)<br />
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6) <b>The Heart Of Your Child Will Direct You.</b> This doesn't mean that they will always know what they want. When they first come home, if public schooled, they will be lost and irritable and confused. They will watch tv, disinvest and sleep a lot. Then, over time, their interests will arise. Boo Bear, who's never been to school, has no idea what she "isn't supposed to do" and loves science. She is 7 and working on high school freshman science concepts. She can't read well yet, so I read it to her, but her ability to absorb the concepts is there. Honey Bunny loves artistic expression. She does a ton of art work every week. She volunteers at an art studio. She is directed by her love for artist expression from blue hair and gauged ears to photography and watercolor. Each child is different and we use those differences to expand their world of knowledge.<br />
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7)<b>The Habit Of Listening.</b> Listening isn't done just with your ears. Listening is also done with the eyes. Reading body language. Listening to the unsaid word. Learning <a href="http://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/Body_Language.htm">how to read body language</a> is very important. I specialized in sales in my prior life and had to learn how to read body language in order to actually hear what was going on with a potential client. I use that same skill set with my children and husband. Arms crossed? They feel defensive. Voice changing in pitch? They may be lying (or going through puberty). Learn to read your child. You will be able to listen more and be in the moment with them.<br />
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8)<b> It's A Lifetime of Learning. </b> Learning isn't just done when you finish a book. Maybe your child doesn't want to finish a book you loved. Honey Bunny hated Lord of the Flies and The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Universe. I loved both. I had hoped to share them with her. Wasn't her thing. Instead, she changed books, introduced me to some she loved and my world was expanded into a new genre of vampires and magic. Take each opportunity presented to you and learn from it. Keep your curiosity going! <a href="http://www.phoenixfocus.com/2011-08/feed-curiosity-benefits-lifelong-learning/">Lifetime learning</a> has a benefit for all.<br />
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9) <b>Blessing Of Time. </b> The greatest part of home learning for us is that it can happen at any time of the day! It's a beautiful day out, we spend it outside exploring our world. It's rainy? Let's watch documentaries and snuggle. It's 10pm and suddenly Boo Bear has an urge to do abacus math? Great! It's midnight and Honey Bunny suddenly has an inspiration to write a story? Great! Time is our friend, not our enemy. There is no learning time because it's all the time.<br />
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10) <b>Family Unity:</b> This one can take some time to come into it's own. It ebbs and flows in our home. Sometimes, Hubby feels on the outside because we girls spend SO much time together and he's more like a visitor in our world than a pillar. That's hard for him sometimes. Othertimes, our family unit is stronger because we do spend so much time together. Our communication is stronger. We know all the nuances which occur between one and other and can shift and adjust on the fly. Being together 24/7 can be a challenge. It requires dedication to open communication, honesty and vulnerability. In the end, it's worth it but it can be scary getting there.<br />
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Overall, since 2010, I feel learning at home, at all hours, has worked best for us. It's not for everyone and that's okay. The glorious thing about the U.S.A. is we have a choice to homeschool or not. Places like Germany, there is no choice. It is not allowed.<br />
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There will be good days and there will be bad. There will be days you jump up and down and exclaim: "They got it!" and there will be days you shake your head and wonder: "Will they ever get it?!" In the end, they balance out.<br />
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My best advice, dear Reader, is follow your gut and follow your heart. Let those lead you down a new path, one customized just for you and your family. Read all you want. Research all you want if that makes you feel better. Enjoy YOUR education and lifetime learning experience. You see, lifetime learning isn't just for kids anymore...it's for everyone once you step off that edge and go for it.<br />
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(Don't forget to join my blog! It's a little button over there to your right! I don't get paid for it, just want to share with you rather than announce on FB all the time. Pass it on if you life it!)Mary Herringtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11653383802059844005noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4244899762410322733.post-89211124072459258412014-12-19T08:07:00.002-05:002014-12-19T08:07:53.665-05:00Teens and SexLet's just jump right into this uncomfortable topic, okay? Let's not pussy foot around it. Let's not pretend that abstinence is going to happen for the majority of teenagers. According to the <a href="http://thenationalcampaign.org/data/landing">U.S. Teenage Pregnancy Statistics</a>, there were 274, 641 teenage pregnancies resulting in births in 2014. Let's stop pretending teenage pregnancy doesn't happen. Have theses numbers gone down since 1990? Yes, but only marginally.<br />
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So, now that the blinders are off and your heart is beating faster, let's discuss Unschooling and Teen Sex. Whoa there Reader! Breathe in to a count of ten. Breathe out to a count of ten. Okay. Ready to read on? Good.<br />
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Let's face it. Teens want to have sex. They are biologically driven to reproduce. In terms of evolution, it is only a blink back in time to where we were reproducing starting at about 13 because most only lived to be about 30-45 years old. I'm 42. I'd be ready to kick the bucket soon, if I made it this far. And back then, the entire family raised the baby, not the teens by themselves. The old saying "it takes a village to raise a child" is pretty much the truth, especially when it happens early in life.<br />
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I'm not here saying "Let's encourage our kids to drop their pants and have a great time!" I'm here to say: They want to do it. Most will find a way to do it. Would you rather know about it, and help educate them to it or would you rather they find their education about sex from the internet and their similar age friends? Come on, Reader, pull your ostrich head out of the sand....let it be you.<br />
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Where is this coming from? Honey Bunny came to me the other night and wanted to talk. It was not the best time. I had just completed a 4 day road trip to move my parents from CT to NC and was exhausted. The dogs wanted my attention. Hubby was cranky. Boo Bear wanted snuggles and Honey Bunny had sex on the mind. She is 16 and will be 17 in May. Her boyfriend is 17. I'm not surprised by it in the least, but it was not a good night to be honest.<br />
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But, I know how she gets and I knew that if Honey Bunny wanted to talk, it was important. I got Boo Bear to bed, dogs settled and let cranky Hubby be cranky. Goodness knows there wasn't anything I could do there but offer a hug, a warm bed and promise of some sleep.<br />
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When we had a moment, Honey Bunny dropped the bomb. She and Boyfriend are talking about taking their relationship to the next level. Okay. Here's the truth of the matter, no parent likes to think about their baby having sex. It seems....wrong. But, here's the other side of the truth, it's going to happen at some point, some day, some where.<br />
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Now, Honey Bunny has some complications when it comes to having a sexual relationship. Being a victim of child sexual abuse as a baby/toddler, sex brings out some pretty harsh flashbacks for her. The first time she had sex, she didn't come to me first and I had a suicidal teen on my hands without knowing why. I'm very proud of her for coming to me first. That shows great maturity.<br />
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I told her I'm really glad that she came to me first. You see, being friends with your child is how you have conversations like this. I listened. I asked questions. I didn't judge, over react or freak out. We spent a few minutes reviewing what she felt would be a good line of action. Here is what we came up with together:<br />
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1) Talk with her psychiatrist about how a birth control implant would effect her medications, if at all.<br />
We chose the implant because when she was on the pill to regulate her system, if she even took it off by an hour, her cycle would start again, so no sleeping in. :(<br />
2) If we discover the implant is safe, then we have to schedule a new patient appointment with a gynecologist. A full exam has to take place and the implant put in.<br />
3) Then it has to kick in.<br />
4) During this whole process, Boyfriend needs to accompany her to therapy sessions to discuss how her sexual trauma may effect her and their relationship.<br />
5) BOTH need to have condom lessons to make sure the condom is put on properly. Birth control fails. Boo Bear is proof of that.<br />
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We also discussed places which are appropriate to having sex. Having sex while your little sister is home is NOT appropriate. That will not be stood for. If they want to have sex while I'm home, and her sister is not, then I suppose I can live with that. I can't say I like it, but at least I know they are safe, not going to get arrested for indecent exposure and if she has flashbacks or gets frightened, Boyfriend isn't there trying to deal with it on his own at 17. Now, between you and me, I can barely have sex with the kids in the house because I'm uncomfortable with it. If they can be comfortable knowing I'm home downstairs, more power to them. LOL<br />
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When I told Hubby about them considering a sexual relationship. His initial reaction was to freak out. He almost face palmed himself. Whereas I see it as very mature Honey Bunny came to me and we could speak about it, he sees it as she's too young. (Doofus, she's not a virgin!) You can't undo what has already been done. At least this time, she is choosing to come to me first. And the sweetest part? Boyfriend is concerned what Hubby will think of him.<br />
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After about 5 minutes to listening to Hubby's concerns, it all boiled down to his ultimate concern being she will have more sex than we do! I couldn't help but laugh. Of course teens are going to have more sex than we do! We have a family to raise, dogs to train, groceries to buy, mortgages to pay... in other words, much more on our minds/plate than just sex. I still smile thinking of that. More sex than us. LOL<br />
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Anyway, the whole point of this post is to point out that teens are going to have sex whether we approve or not. I don't want my daughter and her boyfriend to be part of the statistic above. Where does that start? At home. It starts with creating a relationship based upon friendship and trust. It starts with willing to be open with them about what a sexual relationship is, besides fornication, and how it may change their relationship. It continues with proper education about birth control. It moves forward with love and understanding and listening and caring.<br />
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Is it truly sex we are scared of or the result of an unplanned pregnancy? Discuss your true fears together. Have the discussion about unplanned pregnancy and discuss all options you are all comfortable with: abortion, adoption, raising the child yourselves, etc.<br />
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There is only one wrong answer to the above discussion in my opinion: rejecting your child and their journey.<br />
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That applies to everything in life from musical choices to tattoos and piercings to having a sexual relationship. None of those may be my choice for myself, but I will not reject or turn my back on my child because of a choice they feel is right for them.<br />
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Standing by them, being there for them, being their rock in this turbulent world is who I strive to be for my children. Their safe haven. The one who only looks down on them to offer them a hand up, with no judgement, no resentment and no fear in their eyes.<br />
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Remember, dear Reader, sex happens. But so does love.<br />
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<br />Mary Herringtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11653383802059844005noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4244899762410322733.post-58548912301513174702014-12-12T21:10:00.001-05:002014-12-12T21:10:24.559-05:00My Secret DesireWhole Life Unschooling. Child Led Learning. Life Learning. All great concepts. I love them all. I practice them. Every day. Every minute of every day. I am IN the moment. I am creating learning experiences for my children. I am making sure their environment is full of stimulating thoughts and new concepts so that they have a large arena of interests to chose from. And know what? Want to know my deep seeded secret? Are you ready for this?<br />
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Sometimes, I really envy those traditional homeschool parents who follow a curriculum. They research and they find a glorious package for their family. They order it. It comes to their door, neatly, in a box. (I bet it even has a bow on it.) Then, over the summer, they plot out what they are going to do every month/week/day and then they hit send and it lands on everyone's calendar.<br />
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Oh the glory of that! I tried that. Once. Four years ago. It didn't work. We returned it within 72 hours. It didn't work for us. But sometimes, while I am making oobleck and having discussions with my 7 & 16 year old about non-Newtonian matter (after seeing it on Pintrest and thinking this is cool...and gluten free...so we can do it. How do I make it educational? Quick..do another look up!)..sometimes, I wish life was sent to me in a box. Simple. Clean. Easy.<br />
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My life is not simple, clean or easy. My life consists of 2 dogs, 1 a puppy. Honey Bunny who deals with bipolar, high functioning aspie issues, anxiety, anorexia and teenage hormones to top it all off. There is Boo Bear who is a joy to be around. Her laughter sounds like the tinkling of bells-but she has ADHD and probably dyslexia (it runs in the family in over 90% of it on both sides). Getting her to sit still is like asking my puppy not to chase after a squirrel or chase his tale. It doesn't happen. Then there is Hubby who, God bless his sole, is my love and my life, but is a 45 year old middle aged man who falls asleep watching television at about 8:30 and snores away until about 10 where at such time he basically crawls into bed to fall asleep again...with some shoot em up kill em show on.<br />
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Then, there is me. Yep. Little old me. In this example, it's 10pm, where we just left off snoring hubby stumbling down the hallway. I still have laundry to switch over, a dishwasher to run, a teenager to remind to take her meds and remind her boyfriend to go home by midnight because I'm tired tonight and would like to be awake when he leaves (not that they are having sex, it's just a parental thing I still feel like I need to do...be awake while he's here). Boo Bear is usually going strong at 10pm. She wants to play. She wants to do Reader Rabbit. She wants to play Littlest Pet Shop. She wants to do BrainPop. She wants to have a dance party.<br />
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Oh for the love of GOD...I want to go to sleep! I've been up since 6:30 dealing with Muttly 1 and Muttly 2. No matter how cute they are, I am the one up and dealing with them. Hubby has already left for work at that point, or is about to leave for work or is in the shower or is traveling at 6:30 in the morning, on any given day. I'm usually up a few times a night for nightmare comforting, or anxiety comforting, or at the moment I have a broken wrist, so I'm comforting myself. Sometimes, I'm even comforting Hubby, but usually I'm too cranky to do that in the middle of the night because if we are sleeping in the same room/bed, then his snoring is keeping me awake until about 5am and then he decides: Ohhh..lookie here! I have my wife in bed! Let me snuggle close to her with my fire hose. Dude...keep it away. I'm about to kill you is what I'm thinking at that point.<br />
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So, again, sometimes I dream of that curriculum in a box, which comes to my door, maybe with a bow, and school is from 8:00 - 3:00 and then we have a "life."<br />
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Yeah, that's not happening any time soon. It's 9:00pm right now. The dogs are about to come in whining at the door actually. The boyfriend is upstairs with Honey Bunny. Boo Bear is at a sleep over, for now....Hubby is traveling until next Tuesday and the day after tomorrow, I'm packing up both girls and the boyfriend for a 13 hour drive straight through to Connecticut to drive my parents down to North Carolina where they are moving a town over. The day after we arrive in Connecticut, we turn around and drive BACK to North Carolina now with 2 elderly people, their elderly dog, a 16 yr old, a 17 yr old and a 7 yr old-stopping every hour for my Dad to get out and stretch his legs so he doesn't have another pulmonary embolism land in his lung like it did on Thanksgiving.<br />
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Yep...no life in a box for me!!! :) But, truth be told, I'm happy about that. It didn't work for us.Mary Herringtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11653383802059844005noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4244899762410322733.post-83016628010834910462014-12-08T08:05:00.004-05:002014-12-08T08:05:40.148-05:00The Bullying Elf<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvQAxNQEQCv7cym0nQAW0QyyBJaHLCbo8VyPhOgqIemEOruXa84Lg80jwvjfIstvkDVqO5mEAeDAfcftEDar_rbcgQVUMtge2CVtWDZEuqQhptTNIqtHuaxSCJo2z2TjhnX8GHiDq4BjSv/s1600/elf.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvQAxNQEQCv7cym0nQAW0QyyBJaHLCbo8VyPhOgqIemEOruXa84Lg80jwvjfIstvkDVqO5mEAeDAfcftEDar_rbcgQVUMtge2CVtWDZEuqQhptTNIqtHuaxSCJo2z2TjhnX8GHiDq4BjSv/s1600/elf.jpg" height="150" width="200" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHTqQihTr4tF-qSKfBFMpyPslVI_CQaQ2RshdPZllCt5NlzaD3kGABGaf_ZhMwba3h5ZjZbdvb5Mw3DL1lYRc4H6bKE1t4YfL0P3tjCWete2EJ3ajAyZEefyYOYj_0oumn4eWuGZ9jHOqY/s1600/warningofficialnaughtylistnotice.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHTqQihTr4tF-qSKfBFMpyPslVI_CQaQ2RshdPZllCt5NlzaD3kGABGaf_ZhMwba3h5ZjZbdvb5Mw3DL1lYRc4H6bKE1t4YfL0P3tjCWete2EJ3ajAyZEefyYOYj_0oumn4eWuGZ9jHOqY/s1600/warningofficialnaughtylistnotice.jpg" height="256" width="320" /></a></div>
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Do you see this "Certificate?!" What does it say? It says a child was "Naughty." This Elf on a Shelf pisses me off every year! Every year, I see post after post after post on my Facebook Page that talks about their Elf leaving their child letters about their child's behavior. Know what I see more and more? Parents using this Elf to demean their children. It breaks my heart. </div>
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According to Webster Dictionary, the definition of demean is: <span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 20px;">to lower in character, status, or reputation</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 20px;"> </span></div>
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So, with that being the case, kindly explain to me how leaving a note to anyone, let alone a child, about behavior the adult/parent does not approve of is helping bring the child's character, status or reputation up and help build their self esteem? It doesn't.<br />
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As an adult, how would you feel if your spouse or boss or another person in authority in your life, left you notes full of insults about your behavior? Image this: you get up excited for your day. You can't wait to see what new surprise you have from this person who only appears this "magical" time of year! Then, you find a long letter telling you everything you did wrong, why this person doesn't approve of your behavior. This person doesn't bother to tell you what you are doing right. This person doesn't come to you with a true concern about some upsetting behaviors, giving you the chance to explain them or listen as to why they are upsetting nor does that person give you the opportunity to explore different behaviors together. Instead, you are left with your day crushed, your belief in yourself reduced and you are expected to go about your day now and have a better attitude and want to work on your behavior. <br />
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Can you tell me how effectively that would work for you? Would you want to improve your behavior for the hopes of getting a certificate that said you'd been nice? Is that truly what we want our children to work toward? A certificate that says they are nice? Really?<br />
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I would rather my children work toward being more caring, loving and communicative people who will in turn mature into adults who are gentle, loving and able to properly discuss what is bother them, listen attentively and offer solutions when required. <br />
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We so often hear about bullying in schools, but where does a child learn to bully? At home. And when does a child learn to bully? From birth on. I'm sure the parents who use the Elf on the Shelf to write these letters think they are amusing. I'm going to give them the benefit of the doubt and even go so far as to say I'm sure they are thinking they are using the Elf to show what behavior they would like their child to have and hoping that a stationary cute object will instill in their child the ability to listen to the Elf better than to the parent. I don't want to say these parents are bullying with the purpose to bully.<br />
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But they are bullying. Back to Webster's for a moment. The definition of bullying is: <span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 20px;">to frighten, hurt, or threaten (a smaller or weaker person) : to act like a bully toward (someone)</span><br />
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: to cause (someone) to do something by making threats or insults or by using force</div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="line-height: 20px;">So, if the Elf is being used to make a threat, such as not returning or not getting presents, then that is bullying. If the parent is using the Elf on a Shelf to frighten the child into submission by name calling, that is bullying. If the result wanted is meant to control the child, that is bullying.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="line-height: 20px;"><a href="http://www.bullyingstatistics.org/content/bullying-parents.html">Bullyingstatistics.org </a>says this about parental bullying: "</span></span><span style="background-color: #f3f3f3; font-family: tahoma, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 16.799999237060547px;">When bullying parents use this style of parenting, they try and motivate their children by being derisive. This can be especially damaging, since it can encourage a child to think ill of him/herself. This can leave mental scars that can result in depression, as well as set the child up to have difficulty sustaining good relationships. Indeed, if a child learns how to treat people form the example of a bullying parent, he or she is likely to grow to be a bully as well, and may have a hard time developing healthy relationships.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="line-height: 20px;">How can we, as a society, help prevent further school shootings and bullying if the adults go so far as to bully with what should be a fun holiday expression of celebration?! </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="line-height: 20px;">Imagine what would happen if the parent used the Elf in a way which promoted behavior the parent wanted emulated? What if the Elf only ever spoke of the great things the child did that day? What if the Elf was only used to encourage the child? Can you image how much more "good" behavior the child would want attention for? </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="line-height: 20px;">Remember the scenario above? The one where you started your day with a note telling you everything you did wrong and how that made your feel throughout your day? Now, imagine yourself waking up, excited because it is the "magical" time of year and you read a note that reviewed all the wonderful things you did the day before. How you stopped to take the time to wait for someone while holding a door in the middle of a rain storm. How you were loving with your friend. How you listened when all you wanted to do was tell someone they were wrong. A letter which spoke to the behavior you did have which was positive. Wouldn't you feel better about yourself? Wouldn't you want to continue to receive praise? Wouldn't you want to behave accordingly to that feel good feeling you had? Wouldn't you want to go out into your day and embrace it all those you encountered?</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="line-height: 20px;">It's a completely different world when we take a moment to recognize the positive, rather than the negative. As a society, we will get nowhere good if we continue to recognize the ugly parts of a person or of their day. Demeaning another, even with the intent of being humorous or amusing, is bullying. Bullying is painful. Bullying by a parent even more so.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="line-height: 20px;">I encourage you, if you use this Elf on a Shelf, to only use it for humor and examples of good behavior. Throw out the "naughty" certificates. Throw out the examples of behavior you don't want. Use the Elf to show the good behavior and the fun things your child did. You yourself need to talk to your child about behaviors that upset you. YOU need to do the dirty work, not some inanimate object which should represent fun and magic of the season. You need to listen <u>to</u> them, talk <u>with </u>them and find solutions <u>together</u>. THAT is how we stop bullying. We begin at home. </span></span></div>
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Mary Herringtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11653383802059844005noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4244899762410322733.post-1207455868427204722014-12-01T08:38:00.001-05:002014-12-01T08:38:19.107-05:00Teens & Body Modification<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCJs00PDTdLa5zX9iuydwRLOQjKbLYlvFR4t-_XTUFKI2oIVLfmJM_mJf5UR7Grgy1PLnstKLf59A2UQRAH_THgZc1kSDZ1CEmsVn1hFXwlWiMcbUXZ0kfPtup_gUyeTHak_T1iPd157ZM/s1600/10424250_585090241637615_8823792801758956877_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCJs00PDTdLa5zX9iuydwRLOQjKbLYlvFR4t-_XTUFKI2oIVLfmJM_mJf5UR7Grgy1PLnstKLf59A2UQRAH_THgZc1kSDZ1CEmsVn1hFXwlWiMcbUXZ0kfPtup_gUyeTHak_T1iPd157ZM/s1600/10424250_585090241637615_8823792801758956877_n.jpg" height="320" width="320" /></a></div>
Body modification. Whoa! Here's a topic which gets all parents up in hackles-whether you support it or are against it. Personally, I'm not big into gauged ears, pierced faces or tattoos. Not my flavor. I have a tattoo. It's a small infinity sign on my left ring finger because I am allergic to my wedding band and engagement ring. The nickel in the platinum and white gold cause my finger to break out in blisters. It's pretty painful. A year ago, Hubby and I had had an argument while he was unemployed and I was so frustrated at him and the state of our marriage that I needed something permanent to remind me of my commitment to him, so I stopped in a tattoo parlor on the way home that day, kids in tow, and had it done right then and there. No forethought. No planning. No idea what I wanted. I just walked in, said I'd like a small tattoo on my finger to represent my commitment to my marriage and walked out an hour later with a very painful finger and the lifetime reminder of my commitment to a flawed human being. :)<br />
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So how does my tattoo connect to teenage body modification? Great question. Seven months ago, Honey Bunny was struggling with her addiction to cutting. I actually went back and read my post about her cutting here on the Bored Gargoyle the other night (made myself cry). Back then, I made her a promise. If she could stay clean for six months, I would take her to get a tattoo which would remind her not to cut herself. For the following six months, every time she was tempted to cut, she remembered how desperately she wanted those tattoos. In the beginning, it was my promise that stopped her from cutting. Ninety days into it, it was the <u>promise to herself</u> that stopped her from cutting.<br />
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During those months, she had to prove to me she knew what she was doing and why. I asked her to write up why having a tattoo was important to her. I asked her to do some in person interviews of people who got tattoos as a teen. I wanted her to hear their opinions of their tattoos. What did they like? Did they still like their tattoo while in their 40's or beyond? Do they feel they made the right choice getting a tattoo as a teen? Why did they chose that particular tattoo? <br />
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She discovered those who took the time to make sure their tattoo would be timeless still loved it. Those that ran off in rebellion and had a tattoo which meant nothing to them, other than their rebellion at that time, disliked their tattoos. She thought about what she wanted it to say. Many conversations over those months revolved around what should her wrists say to remind her to not cut.<br />
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A few nights before her tattoo, Honey Bunny was being a complete brat. Yes, it happens. Unschooled teens do not walk on water nor are they perfect. And having a bipolar 2, anxious, PTSD, anorexic teen means we have moments which are not too glorious. We'd had a difficult family therapy session and she had been a true brat all week. I'd broken my wrist (it's still broken) and needed help around the house (still do) and she was refusing to help. Not cool. Even her therapist was surprised at her cruelty toward the situation and myself. He had suggested that if she isn't helping out and isn't eating, that her boyfriend couldn't come over. Normally, I wouldn't go to such measures as talking with her is usually enough-but that week it wasn't. Her meds weren't working well, she was a bitch to be honest and she needed something to shake her out of it. So, I agreed.<br />
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Of course Honey Bunny was angry at not being able to see him that night. I wasn't canceling a plan already made. I was simply saying no to him coming over that night. Here's the most frightening thing about parenting:<br />
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There is no formula! The frightening thing about parenting is that our children hear everything we say and watch everything thing we do and they expect those two to line up.<br />
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I had to hold the line here. My message of word to action had to line up. When we got home, she stormed up to her room. I went to start dinner. A few hours later, she ventured downstairs with a video she wanted to share with me. It was about tattooing. She had taken the time and opportunity to do more research about tattooing so she better understood it. The video was scientific in it's origin. It was about the epidermis and dermis and the ink and how it is injected and into which layer. She also showed me the chemical compounds of each color of ink, which had metals in them and which didn't. She showed me how organic inks work in comparison to non-organic inks. Then, Honey Bunny showed me the images of tattoos the woman who was going to do her tattoo has done.<br />
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Now, if I had insisted she do that research, she never would have done it. If I hadn't held the line and hadn't had my actions and my words support one another about her behavior being unacceptable, she never would have done it. You see, Unschooling doesn't mean your kids walk all over you. It means you live in respect with one another. She wasn't respecting me and my needs. It wasn't a want for her to do help load the dishwasher or fold laundry. It was a need. It still is a need. (You should see my typing this with one hand and a finger. It's pretty humorous.)<br />
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The blessing in parenting is that there is no formula. So what do formulas and body modification have to do with one another? A LOT!<br />
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Most of us have been raised to believe in the following "formula":<br />
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A rebelling teen does the following for attention: dye their hair odd colors, pierce their body, gauge their ears and get tattoos. Teens who do such things are a menace to society.<br />
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Let's think about this for a moment and take it point by point.<br />
1) Dying hair odd colors. Yes, Honey Bunny's hair is pink this week. Last week is was Raspberry Red. A few weeks before that it was Teal. Now, let's discuss the hair coloring industry. How many different shades of color from platinum blonde to black are there on the shelves in CVS? Your local grocery story? The beauty salon? Oh wait, you mean you, too, dye your hair? - Negate that statement.<br />
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2) Pierce their body. Yep. Honey Bunny has a lip piercing. I don't want one. Looked painful getting that needle through her lip. Grossed me out. No thanks. But-my ears are pierced. I modified my body. Are your ears pierced? Yes? Well, negate that statement.<br />
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3) Gauging ears. Again not my thing. I think of National Geographic with those women who's ear holes fell to their shoulders they were stretched out so much! I have been scarred by saggy boobed/big ear hole women I saw as a child in NG. But todays gauges aren't that big. Have you ever bought a pair of earrings where the earring pole was too wide for your hole? I know I have. That's now negated. And if not, well, is it hurting you if someone else has their earring holes bigger than yours? No? Definitely negate it.<br />
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4)Tattoos. Oh, this is a big one! Under aged tattoos. Any tattoos. Society has told us that tattoos are the mark of the devil, so to speak. Only those on the fringe of society get tattoos. Only those who buck the system get tattoos. Only those who are against the status quo get tattoos. They are a life long commitment to something you may not like in 20 years. I'll admit, I used to be of this group. I won't lie. But watching Honey Bunny's commitment to herself to not cut, to work on stopping her addiction, changed my mind. <br />
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Why wouldn't I support her want to be clean? I have always said I would give anything for her to stop cutting. Our children are great observers. They hear, see and read everything we do and they have to make it their own. Sometimes, that takes them down some pretty ugly paths full of bad decisions and heartache. But how we respond to them during those times is crucial-to both our relationship with one another and their relationship with themselves.<br />
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So, to be honest with her and myself, I said I would do anything...and a tattoo is anything. A piercing falls under that same category. So does hair dye. If having pink hair, a ring through her lip and tattoos that say: "Stay Strong" on one wrist and "Love Yourself" on the other helps her stay clean and fight the demons inside of her, I was going to make sure I supported that 100%.<br />
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You see, I didn't have to throw my beliefs out the window. I simply had to allow them not to count for her. I still don't believe that I want gauged ears or a pierced body part nor do I want another tattoo at this time, but if something is true-such as my belief in her want to stay clean and her claiming these modifications would help her-then I can chose to look at it long and hard and think about it long and hard and compare it with other beliefs-and discover it will stand on it's own. It will be reliable and true. <br />
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How we deal with the early doubts and questions in our relationships can make huge differences in a child's life. Will Honey Bunny always want that pierced lip? I don't know. For now, she does. Will she always want gauged ears? I don't know. For now, she does. Will she always want fun colored hair? I don't know. For now, she does. Will she always want those tattoos? Yes. For now and always.<br />
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Will I always support her unconditionally? No. I will not support her unconditionally if she choses to hurt herself. Will I always be there for her unconditionally? Yes. Yes I will. Will her having pink/blue/teal/red or whatever color hair make me love her less? No. It will not. Will her having her face pierced, ears gauged or tattoos on her wrists make her less of a person to me? No. It will not. <br />
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You see, dear Reader, parenting isn't parroting. It's not about following the right formula, whether that be an unschooling formula or a strict formula. It's about finding what is right, true and reliable for you and your child. You won't find the right answers for you in a book, a blog or even in a magazine. You will find the right answer for you and your family in your heart, through trial and error. You may find your belief systems run counter to society. You may find your comfort zone is what society says. You may find it somewhere in-between. In the end, though, you should ask yourself the following:<br />
"If my child is hearing, seeing, and reading everything I do-what message is that giving them and is it one I want them to repeat?" <br />
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They will repeat it. They will make your statement their own. You can't control how they interpret it, but you can be in charge of supporting them while they explore their world and what it means to them. In the end, parenting is a journey full of modifications along the way. Be at peace with them and love one another through it all. Remember: Stay Strong and Love Yourself.Mary Herringtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11653383802059844005noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4244899762410322733.post-27568546546666352982014-11-26T09:18:00.002-05:002014-11-26T09:18:52.827-05:00Thanksgiving PoemIt is the night before Thanksgiving and all through the house<br />
Not a creature is stirring, not even my spouse!<br />
The turkey's not bought but I do not care.<br />
I just want a moment, I say with my prayer.<br />
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The children aren't nestled all snug in their beds<br />
For Netflix is showing the Walking Dead.<br />
I dream of a moment without things to do,<br />
the laundry, the bedding, the dishes-accrue!<br />
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When out in the hall there arose such a clatter,<br />
I sprang to my feet to see what was the matter.<br />
Away through the blackness iPhone Flashlight in hand<br />
I tore through the darkness to see it firsthand.<br />
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The moon on the floor from the windows above<br />
Gave a luster to the dust on the floor I'm not proud of.<br />
Then what to my wondering eyes should appear<br />
But a half-grown puppy with my kitchen gear.<br />
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That little ol' puppy, so lively and quick<br />
I knew in a moment I just find his throw stick.<br />
More rapid than eagles, my curses they came<br />
And I whistled and shouted and called him by name!<br />
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"Now Dammit! Now Darn It!<br />
Now Prick Dog and Vajayay!<br />
Oh Clusterf*ck! I'm Screwed!<br />
G*d Dammit! This is Bullsh*t!<br />
Get away from the turkey!<br />
Come! Stay! Sit in the hall!<br />
Don't dash away, dash away,<br />
Dash away at ALL!"<br />
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As swear words poured out before my sanity arrived<br />
I realized in a moment the turkey had survived!<br />
So back to my couch my butt it sure flew,<br />
this was just too much to have to go through.<br />
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Then in a twinkling, I heard on the stairs<br />
the sound of sweet footsteps and knew I'd been snared!<br />
As I put down my head and was turning around<br />
I knew in a moment I'd be met with a frown.<br />
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They were dressed in their jammies, from their heads to their feet,<br />
and I knew in that moment I was in the hot seat!<br />
A bundle of giggles they had held in their cheeks<br />
And they tried so hard for those giggles not to leak.<br />
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The kid's eyes how they twinkled! Their dimples so merry.<br />
Their cheeks were tight with laughter. Their noses so flarey.<br />
Their droll little mouths, drawn up like a bow<br />
The cursing they heard, they wanted to know.<br />
The taste of fresh words held tight in my teeth<br />
and those words circled inside of my head, my breath held underneath.<br />
They had on that face and and certainly knew better<br />
And they laughed when I began to stutter and fretter.<br />
<br />
"That turkey was chubby and plump, in-spite of it's size."<br />
and I laughed when I saw them and knew I had allies.<br />
A wink of their eyes and turn of their heads,<br />
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.<br />
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They spoke not a word, but went right back to Netflix<br />
They had learned some new words for their big bag of tricks.<br />
And laying my head in my hands I did shake<br />
Knowing I just taught them the words that they'll take.<br />
<br />
I sprang to my feet and gave my kids a notice.<br />
I am only human but I am not hopeless.<br />
But I heard them exclaim as they walked out of site:<br />
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"I heard it from you, Mom! Don't say it's not alright!"<br />
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<br />Mary Herringtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11653383802059844005noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4244899762410322733.post-14036634304267449072014-11-17T08:07:00.005-05:002014-11-17T08:07:44.533-05:00Trust Your Gut<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUKXLP3FPyr3jpqzLY7kGypMfWJ2orfFNRWk4LnipnjjVrHechuJdVW4FBdz9LoJDDqQzK5NGqllay3R6z-EZG0RZvSsVA9OYYiKohb4YbmIVBPY3lzW4pgr69yOqJdDq2IKhqyVfIvW37/s1600/gut+feeling.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUKXLP3FPyr3jpqzLY7kGypMfWJ2orfFNRWk4LnipnjjVrHechuJdVW4FBdz9LoJDDqQzK5NGqllay3R6z-EZG0RZvSsVA9OYYiKohb4YbmIVBPY3lzW4pgr69yOqJdDq2IKhqyVfIvW37/s1600/gut+feeling.jpg" /></a></div>
Do you ever get that feeling in your gut something is wrong, but don't listen to it? Ever get it about something related to your child? What do you do if your child has a friend you don't approve of? What do you do if they do something you don't approve of? Ever had a situation arise where you know in your gut they are making the wrong choice, but you have to let them learn the lesson on their own? These are questions every parent faces, day in and day out. From kids writing on walls to befriending those who are bad for them, each step of the way it's hard as a parent, especially if we were raised (and society tells us) shaming and controlling our child is the answer.<div>
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I want you to think about a time when you felt shamed by an adult, at any age. I bet you can still feel that humiliation in the pit of your stomach, huh? I remember in 4th grade, I had a teacher I did not get along with. I was painfully shy and hated to read out loud to the class, but it was required. I was reading along and came across the word "photographer." I pronounced it as I saw it: photo-grapher. The teacher called me stupid and all the kids laughed at me. I still feel that humiliation writing about it over 30 years later. Now, imagine if someone I trusted and loved had humiliated me? How much worse would I feel?</div>
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But that was only a person who I had limited contact with for a small portion of my life. What about a situation you knew was wrong, but you did it anyway and someone else had to pay the price for it? Do you have one of those? I do, and its a doozy. I will get to mine in a moment.</div>
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You see, Honey Bunny has befriend a boy she knows is bad for her and I know is bad for her. Rather than shame her into dropping the friendship, or putting rules on her which negated the friendship, I have allowed her to continue to communicate and see this person. Please know, there was no illegal activity going on and she was not in direct harms way for physical abuse. Was emotional and mental abuse possible? Yes. She and I discussed this friendship openly and I told her my concerns and how I was not going to stop her from this friendship, but neither would I encourage it. It was one of those times in life where a teen has to learn on their own, in their own way, in their own time.</div>
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I will be honest, it was hard. It sucked. Everything in my parental body was screaming at me to put the kibosh on it: block his number, not bring her to youth group, etc. We had stepped in a few times and not allowed her to go to a party where he would be because even she said he was bad for her and I wanted to stand by her decision and support it. But, the truth is, I wanted to shield my baby from the pain and conflict she was feeling. Reality is, if I had, she would only up the anti on the next person she found who was bad for her. </div>
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After 3 months of this, Honey Bunny came to me and told me this friendship was relly hurting her. She had to cut it off. She asked for my help. Let that sink in for a moment. A teen. Asking for help. From their parent. </div>
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Yep. You read that right. I asked if she needed a sounding board or to help find solutions. Those are two different things a friend has to offer. She chose options. I gave her three:</div>
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1) I text the boy, explain to him I am blocking his number because the friendship is toxic to her.</div>
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2) She texts him and tells him with me sitting next to her.</div>
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3) She talks with her therapist and they decide on a course of action together.</div>
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I gave her 2 hours to decide.</div>
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Honey Bunny does best with small increments of time to make a decision. She said she needed to process and think and went upstairs to listen to music.</div>
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Here's the thing, Dear Reader, had I at any time, made her feel shamed about this friendship that I disapproved of, she would not feel safe coming to me when it was time to end it. She would have been all alone and frightened. As a parent, and with more experience, I can often see the writing on the wall, but she can not. Why should I deny her the ability to learn to read that writing by shaming or refusing her the ability to learn to decode it? Isn't it my responsibility to be her guide? To assist her in her growth, not deny her of it? </div>
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When she was learning to walk, did I carry her everywhere, when she wanted to walk, to avoid her falling down and scraping her knees? No. Did I stand by and gasp every time she fell? Yes. Did I help her back up, tell her she did a great job and keep trying? Of course I did. I dried her tears. I kissed her sore knees and I helped her back onto her feet when she was ready. In essence, how is this any different?</div>
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So why is it we, as a society of parents, see the need to shame our teens while they learn different age appropriate lessons in life? Because "they should know better"? Really? Don't you think if they knew better, they would do better?</div>
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Back to the story, ultimately, Honey Bunny chose option 1 and I texted the boy, with her permission and blocked his number. But, the story doesn't end here. This was just step one. She felt empowered and I, truthfully, did a happy dance. And for a few hours, we were both happy. But, then reality hit her.</div>
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A loss. Another loss of a friend. Yet another betrayal. It is SO hard to do what you know is best for you, especially when it hurts. She is still struggling with it, a week later. She misses his text attention. She misses they cycle of abuse: the tension, the action, the make up, the honeymoon phase.</div>
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This has been a life long pattern for my girl. It's one I hope to help guide her through as gently as possible so she doesn't end up where I did. Remember I told you I had my own story? Well, here it is in a nutshell.</div>
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Eighteen years ago, I didn't listen to my gut and went against everything that was telling me someone in my life was bad for me. I thought that intuition knew nothing. I was 24 and knew it all. What I couldn't know then, that I know now, is that my action of not listening to that gut feeling has caused someone I love very much to suffer the consequence of my action for the rest of their life, and they didn't have a choice. </div>
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That someone is Honey Bunny. </div>
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There person who was bad for me?</div>
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Her biological father who abused us both.</div>
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Mary Herringtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11653383802059844005noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4244899762410322733.post-77926626378562306092014-11-10T09:23:00.002-05:002014-11-10T09:23:36.965-05:00Should You?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjL5viMszJWQhzys4guRqw6-fJ4FpI2878pi1W4oC5vaatSitJ-bGY3vnyiHDFeYfardADBh9eRHNvR7WNB0TsGZ0gPfBsu7WXGkQdd0u5SEvVdQ9LYbW5pJ7u4By3pV7kBcbNji6GDXH18/s1600/should-not1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjL5viMszJWQhzys4guRqw6-fJ4FpI2878pi1W4oC5vaatSitJ-bGY3vnyiHDFeYfardADBh9eRHNvR7WNB0TsGZ0gPfBsu7WXGkQdd0u5SEvVdQ9LYbW5pJ7u4By3pV7kBcbNji6GDXH18/s1600/should-not1.jpg" height="240" width="320" /></a></div>
Yesterday, Boo Bear and I went out for almost 6 hours. We made natural bird feeders, picked pumpkins, fed a horse, had a pizza and hung out together. Hubby was grumpy and I felt it best not to be home to listen to his grunts, groans and other grumpy noises. When I got home, he was on the couch, almost asleep, and had done no house work at all. Well, not really, he had sanded the door jam down and not cleaned up any of the sawdust. Does that count?<br />
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I said nothing knowing he was having a bad day, but honestly I was annoyed. Why was there still garbage, his garbage, on the counter in the kitchen? Shouldn't he have cleaned that up?! Why wasn't the laundry folded and switched over? Shouldn't he have done that? Why weren't the dog blankets washed? The house smelled like dog. Shouldn't he have realized that and taken care of it? Why didn't he clean up the stove, where he reheated dinner for himself? Shouldn't he have realized he needed to be responsible for his own pick up?<br />
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There I stood, standing in my laundry room, thinking about what my husband should have done, based upon what I would have done. Man, what a bitch I was being! It occurred to me that by my putting the word "should" in there, I was assuming he wasn't doing his best. I was assuming that he had the energy, the forethought, the insight, to see what had to be done. I was assuming that he should have known. I was accusing him of not being good enough.<br />
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Wow. Let that one sink in a bit. Not being good enough. Didn't we all feel that way one way or another? Maybe our parents made us feel that way. Maybe it was sports that made us feel inferior. Maybe it was school, or a subject in school, that we thought we should be able to do better at but never could. We live with so many should's, it holds us back most of the time.<br />
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There I was, standing in my laundry room, thinking my husband "should" have done something different. It stopped me in my tracks.<br />
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What does Free Dictionary say the definition of Should is?<br />
<span class="hw" style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; font-weight: bold;">should</span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px;"> </span><object classid="clsid:d27cdb6e-ae6d-11cf-96b8-444553540000" codebase="http://fpdownload.macromedia.com/pub/shockwave/cabs/flash/swflash.cab#version=6,0,0,0" height="21" style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; margin: 1px;" width="13"><embed src="http://img.tfd.com/m/sound.swf" flashvars="sound_src=http://img.tfd.com/hm/mp3/S0368300.mp3" menu="false" width="13" height="21" wmode="transparent" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer"></object><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px;"> </span><span class="pron" style="background-color: white; border-bottom-color: rgb(128, 158, 131); border-bottom-style: dashed; border-bottom-width: 1px; cursor: pointer; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px;">(sh<img align="absbottom" src="http://img.tfd.com/hm/GIF/oobreve.gif" />d)</span><br />
<div class="pseg" style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px;">
<i>aux.v.</i> <i><span class="hvr">Past</span> <span class="hvr">tense</span> <span class="hvr">of</span></i> <b>shall</b><div class="ds-list" style="margin-left: 1cm;">
<b><span class="hvr">1.</span> </b><span class="hvr">Used</span> <span class="hvr">to</span> <span class="hvr">express</span> <span class="hvr">obligation</span> <span class="hvr">or</span> <span class="hvr">duty</span> </div>
<div class="ds-list" style="margin-left: 1cm;">
<b><span class="hvr">2.</span> </b><span class="hvr">Used</span> <span class="hvr">to</span> <span class="hvr">express</span> <span class="hvr">probability</span> <span class="hvr">or</span> <span class="hvr">expectation</span></div>
<div class="ds-list" style="margin-left: 1cm;">
<b><span class="hvr">3.</span> </b><span class="hvr">Used</span> <span class="hvr">to</span> <span class="hvr">express</span> <span class="hvr">conditionality</span> <span class="hvr">or</span> <span class="hvr">contingency</span></div>
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What other things do I think people I love SHOULD do? What things do I express an obligation to or a duty to without communicating that to them about?<br />
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What things in your life do you think people should do?<br />
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Are those thoughts realistic? Are they set upon the value sense of those we love are doing their best or is it a judging stick we use to "whip" them with because they aren't living up to our expectations?<br />
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What are our expectations? Are they clear? Are they obtainable?<br />
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Do our expectations leave room for self awareness and growth? Do they encourage the person to become who they are or do they force the other person to become who we want them to be?<br />
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All these thoughts were swirling through my head while I folded boxers and neatly tucked one sock into an other.<br />
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When I was done in the laundry room, and I could hear in Hubby's voice he was still struggling, I asked myself what would I do if Honey Bunny or Boo Bear felt this way? Would I expect them to tough it out or would I be there for them? I hung my head in shame internally knowing I expected he should be able to tough it out because he's an adult, knowing I'd be more supportive to my children than my husband.<br />
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I bucked up, went out and asked him if he'd like a hug. Now, this was a big deal because he hadn't showered and smelled like, well, an oily man. Ick. Then I asked if I could draw him a tub. We have a large soaking tub. He said yes and I drew him a nice hot tub, with Epson Salts, and took out the biggest and fluffiest towel I could find to put by the tub. He came in and asked me to stay. Honestly, I wanted to leave and let him have some personal time, but then realized that was MY wish when I take a bath and he'd been alone for almost 6 hours that day. So, I pulled up a chair. And I listened.<br />
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He told me all about his frustrations that day. Waking up at 4:30 am and never falling back to sleep. How the door insulator wasn't fitting right. How he had to sand and sand and it still sticks and he's concerned the girls won't be able to open and close it. How the new dryer didn't set up as he expected or as easily. How everything he touched that day was an issue - from dropping screws where he couldn't see them to heating dinner and burning some to the pot. It was all just too much for him yesterday.<br />
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He shared with me his feeling of being less than. That is hard for a man. Had I acted on my "should-y" feeling, I never would have heard how he was up at 4:30. I never would have seen inside my man, but instead stood there over him in a sense, judging him. That isn't what a good relationship is based on. <br />
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A good relationship is based upon support, respect and love for one another. I am so thankful for that moment of irritation with my man for it showed me where I need to grow in our relationship. Our 8 year anniversary was last Tuesday and I was wondering what else we could possibly learn about each other only to discover I don't need to learn more about him, instead, I need to learn about me.<br />
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So I ask you, dear Reader, what should's do you put on your relationships? What should's do you put upon yourself? What should's do you put upon your life? Should you make more money? Should your kids get into a high end college? Should you...what? What SHOULD do you have? List them. During the week, when you feel someone should be doing something-write it down. Then, ask yourself this important question: "Should they REALLY?" and then why. For what purpose does it add to their life? How is your should adding value to how they feel and live their life? Honestly now, not your projection of what you expect it to do, but what does it truly do?<br />
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Stop living a "should-y" life my dear Reader.Mary Herringtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11653383802059844005noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4244899762410322733.post-25356465740779570072014-10-23T12:55:00.003-04:002014-10-23T12:55:42.526-04:00Cutting-A Mom's PerspectiveSome of you may have read the post Honey Bunny wrote about her cutting at <a href="http://eyesthrougheyes.blogspot.com/">http://eyesthrougheyes.blogspot.com</a>. If not, go there now. It's her first hand account of her cutting journey. I'll be honest, it isn't pretty. It isn't all rainbows and butterflies. It's honest. It's raw and it's painful to read. Here is my response/tag along/follow up/other point of view to her blog.<br />
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Honey Bunny has always struggled. She has always been different. She wasn't a jock. She wasn't a "popular kid." She never had it easy in school. She never had it easy in life. Her biological father abused her. He abandoned her (thank goodness) and both of those things have left open wounds which no one can heal but herself. It's been a long journey parenting a child with special needs which aren't seen to the outside world. No one can see her and say: "Wow. She has challenges. Let's be more gentle." Nope. They just see a girl, this week, with bright red hair, a lip piercing and probably some Sharpie tattoos all over herself. Chances are they judge her because of that. But me? I don't. I know those are signs of her surviving. Those are signs of her fight. Those are signs of her becoming healthy. You see, she is finding herself and her strength. It takes more strength to find yourself and stand out than it does to blend in. It takes more strength to stand up and say I am done with this crappy life and begin a new one. It takes more strength to risk failure than it does to risk nothing at all. And this is our journey together for the past few years....grab a tissue and be ready to cry.<br />
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Two years ago was a dark time in our lives. Hubby was unemployed. We lost our home. We lost our money. We lost our security. We were looking at moving into my parent's basement into an 11x15 room, all four of us and our dog. It was a winter of much snow. Of much darkness. Honey Bunny was battling severe depression. Every day was a struggle to just keep her alive. Education was the farthest thing from my mind. I didn't care what she learned from a book or a movie. I just wanted her alive. I prayed. I cried. I yelled. I talked to doctors. Nothing was working.<br />
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We moved into my parent's basement. That wasn't fun for anyone. She met up with an old friend who introduced her to someone new, a cutter. We talked about the cutting and I had hoped she wouldn't cut, but I knew in my heart she would start. When Honey Bunny becomes obsessed with something and starts asking questions about it, it means she's going to try it. I just had to sit back and wait.<br />
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The waiting is the worst part. Waiting for your child, or any loved one, to spiral so far down that they bottom out is like waiting for the Grim Reaper to finally get to you, after watching him approach slowly and not being able to speed up the process. It's like death just hangs around, waiting, to see what you will do next. It was the most horrible wait. I sat in silence, waiting for her to come to me. I sat in silence watching her sleep for hours, watching the long sleeves cover her arms, watching her isolate, watching her hide, watching her stop take care of herself, watching her not enjoy her art work, watching my child die in front of my eyes.<br />
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Understand, trying to interfere with someone who is hell bent on destructing themselves doesn't work. It only causes them to do so in private. It causes alcoholics to hide their liquor, it causes self-harm to go to even deeper depths. When someone you love is hell bent on destruction, they will find a way. I know. I did it. I kept choosing more abusive relationships until I met her father. He took the cake.I know this road and I know only Honey Bunny can bring herself out of those deep, dark woods. All I can do is stand by, always at the ready, to give her my hand and help guide her, if she'll accept it.<br />
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In August of last year, she woke me around 11pm. Hubby was in NY visiting his son. She showed me her arms. They were covered with horizontal cuts from wrist to elbow on both arms. I stayed calm. I thanked her for showing me. I held her. We cried. We got some tea. We talked. I held her as she fell asleep. I called the insurance company at 1am. I found out which hospitals were covered since we were on State due to unemployment. I couldn't take her back to the private one she was in the year before for suicidal plans. This time, it was a state funded one. Crap. Those are awful! I cried knowing I had no choice. I couldn't keep her safe from herself. I couldn't watch her 24/7. No one can do that for a prolonged period of time.<br />
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We checked her into the hospital the next day. I thought it would only be a 72 hr thing, enough to get some safes in the house, enough to get some sleep and to have her home and in an out patient program after that. They wouldn't let me take her out! I had to leave her in a place where she was in an alarmed room because the girls there threatened to rape her for 10 days! It was the most horrible experience in my life. I sobbed every night when I left that horrible holding pen of evil. I sat in the car, after visitation, and sobbed and sobbed. Usually for about an hour. She'd see me drive out and wave goodbye, on a good night. What she didn't see is I would park farther down and just sob. I was broken. I couldn't save my baby. I couldn't save the one person who saved me.<br />
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Fast forward a few months. She had relapses. I would freak out at first. Then, I stopped. It got to the point where every 3-6 weeks she would relapse. I couldn't keep fighting for her. I couldn't keep fighting for her life. I couldn't keep fighting and losing the rest of my family. She was destroying Boo Bear. She was destroying my marriage. She was destroying me.<br />
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One morning, a mutual friend 700 miles away Facebooked me telling me she saw pictures of Liz cutting on her Instagram account. I was horrified. She was telling the world, but not me? WTF?! I went upstairs, woke her up and insisted she show me the cuts. They weren't as bad as before, so no need for the hospital, but still, why did she continue to want to destroy herself? To this day, I still don't get it. I accept it. I don't understand it.<br />
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At that point, through tears and with much heart break, I told her that if she wanted to kill herself, I had accepted it. I know one day I will wake up and find her gone. I know that she has the power to destroy herself and those around her and I will no longer stop her. My exact words were: "I have to live with the fact that one day I'm going to wake up and you're going to be gone. I have to live with the fear of losing you every day. And in the end, all I can tell myself is that I did my best."<br />
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I wasn't giving up on her. I was simply acknowledging that I could no longer be held prisoner by her sickness and her need to destroy herself. It was the hardest thing I have ever said. Did it set me free? Somewhat. It put down a boundary. It said: here is where you stop and I begin. But the truth is, some mornings, when her depression is still pulling her down, I still fear I will go up to wake her and she'll be dead. I fear finding a blue child under the covers because the temptation to cut became too strong and she lost her battle by making a cut too big or too deep or in the wrong direction. I still fear I am going to lose my one precious love who helped me save my life.<br />
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But, for now, I try to squelch that fear as she has been clean for 6 months on 10/26/14. I celebrate every day she choses to live and I enjoy every moment we share together. I don't waste my time arguing about mundane crap - hair color, piercings, tattoos, school work - because I have a bigger goal in mind: keeping my daughter alive for as long as possible. I know I can't keep her here on this Earth if she doesn't want to be and I've made as much peace with that as possible. But if the only thing she has is knowing that someone is willing to fight with her, then know I will do that every moment of every day, sword in hand-ready to help her battle whatever dragon or demon or inner turmoil she has to fight..but she has to ask for my help, because if she doesn't ask for it, it won't matter.Mary Herringtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11653383802059844005noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4244899762410322733.post-62479135197899215112014-10-21T08:22:00.001-04:002014-10-21T08:22:37.450-04:00No Strings Attached<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhmj1fl5n63tMOSAIj3FEeQwohGBFRWywGmGDpTLChmTd7leQlx56bohYNppE2QL7ExFg35C74_1WEb133viYqXDO5MBSxjIra_0E8zNlQjFkD7JA4deIp-OCsw1WZFPbyNA8izJTkub34l/s1600/strings.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhmj1fl5n63tMOSAIj3FEeQwohGBFRWywGmGDpTLChmTd7leQlx56bohYNppE2QL7ExFg35C74_1WEb133viYqXDO5MBSxjIra_0E8zNlQjFkD7JA4deIp-OCsw1WZFPbyNA8izJTkub34l/s1600/strings.jpg" height="288" width="320" /></a>It's Tuesday morning, my house is a mess. We were gone for 24 hours and I returned with a pulled back and complete lack of sleep. Hubby and I have different definitions of "picked up," "cleaned up," and most importantly, "put away." Yet, there I was last night, barely able to move, laying in bed, only able to request assistance - while he sat on the couch watching TV.</div>
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I had two choices: accept the help he was giving or belittle what he wasn't doing according to my private specifications. Man, this was hard. In the past 8 years, I've had to learn how to let go. I used to be a major control freak. I cleaned my floors 2 times a day. I picked up everything, all the time, put it away. My house was spotless. And then I married Hubby. I inherited two other children instantly and was pregnant. My perfection only brought me misery. I had to learn to let go. It wasn't easy.<br />
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To this day, I truly hate dishes in the sink overnight. I hate dirty kitchens. I hate messy bathrooms. I hate laundry rooms with dirty laundry on the floor-I hate dirty laundry on any floor to be honest. But way back when, I had relationships fraught with conditions, and those began to feel like there was no rest for the weary. And I was weary.<br />
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Nowadays, I am more relaxed. Things aren't picked up? Not so much an issue, except if it is deadly for Puppy Boy if he gets into it and swallows it. Lost a Barbie and her arms? Well, that's a natural consequence to leaving it down where Puppy Boy could get to it. Lost a pair of nice shoes, Hubby? Well, perhaps next time you will remember to close the closet door behind you so Puppy Boy doesn't get into it and decide those $200 loafers are so much more tasty than his toy. Lost your collection of Sharpies, Honey Bunny? Perhaps you should have picked them up off the floor. No longer can I stand guard against their habits than I can the weather. They must learn for themselves.<br />
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As parent's, that's a hard one, isn't it? Allowing our children to learn for themselves, with no strings attached. They won't learn the lesson of picking up if I put a condition on it. If I say: "You didn't pick X up, so now you must be punished." All they will remember is the punishment, not the lesson of picking up X. <br />
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What is it that we want our children to learn? Is it important they learn the dates of wars? Is it important that they learn what DeMoivre's Theorem is? (I had to look this one up: The formula useful for finding powers and roots to complex numbers. I've never used it personally.) Ask yourself: "What in life truly needs to have strings attached?" If I am honest, I can think of nothing. No relationship needs to have strings attached. No education needs to have strings attached for true learning to occur.<br />
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Webster's Dictionary defines learning as thus: "<span style="background-color: #e8ecf5; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 20px;">the activity or process of gaining knowledge or skill by studying, practicing, being taught, or experiencing something</span><span style="background-color: #e8ecf5; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 20px;"> "</span><br />
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Nowhere does it say learning is a passive action for which we dictate what someone learns nor does it say learning must be quantified by testing. Quantification of learning is attaching a string to it. When we attach strings to our relationships, they become a burden. They become a win/lose situation. One must retain power over that string in order to remain in control.<br />
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What would happen if you removed that condition? Chaos? Perhaps, at first. No one would know what to do. No one would know what is expected of them. You may see hours of MineCraft and then you hit the panic button. I see it all the time on my FB feed; parents frightened their child is spending too much time doing video games. I ask you: Would you be so upset if they spent all that time reading? Why the condition on video games?<br />
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As parents, we are so afraid of failing we attach strings to our children, adding burden to our journey. I'm not saying don't have expectations for your children. I'm saying talk WITH them about THEIR expectations. Work WITH them to help obtain THEIR goals. Mirror YOUR goals and they will learn how to achieve their own. Don't put a string on their life. It is their life. They aren't a kite to be controlled. They are a bird who needs to learn how to ride the currents and ebb and flow of life.<br />
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Relax, my dear Reader. Your babies will outgrow co-sleeping all too soon. They will begin to sleep through the night. They will learn how to read. Trust me. My now 7 year old has never read a Bob Book, yet she is reading advanced Amerian Girl Doll books because they challenge her and interest her.<br />
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Your 10-15 year old will have their passion return. Right now, they are doing a lot of internal work. Release your grip and allow them to discover their passions. Only step in if depression or other dangers issue come into play. One day soon, they will be 16-18 and they will have already done the work most do at age 18+ to discover what it is they want to study in their "other life" and will be self-motivated to achieve their own greatness.<br />
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Although parenting doesn't stop at 18, we somehow attach the string of "you are all grown up, it's up to you now" at that age in our society. Their ability to make responsible decisions after that age will rely heavily on what seeds were planted when they were younger. You reap what you sow. It is wise to remember that. Plant what you want to grow in them early on and you will create a beautiful young adult, able to handle the many changing winds and tides of the adult world.<br />
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We are all doing the best we can in each moment. For me, last night, that meant being grateful Hubby made us hash browns and bacon for dinner and cuddled into bed with Boo Bear and I at 10pm. He doesn't normally snuggle with us. It meant letting Honey Bunny sleep because she was sick. It meant loving myself enough to let myself heal so today I could tackle the kitchen and the laundry room feeling a bit better.<br />
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Today's request for you is this: Let loose your conditional strings on yourself, your children, your spouse. Allow your relationships to bloom as they are. Allow yourself the ability to love freely. Then, watch as you all grow together. Watch the joy, the laughter, the happiness. And when your fearful strings come back around (and they will), put them at ease. Relax again and tell them they aren't needed. This life has No Strings Attached.<br />
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<br />Mary Herringtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11653383802059844005noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4244899762410322733.post-52811787597185437842014-10-15T08:32:00.002-04:002014-10-15T08:39:53.499-04:00The Monster I Was Before<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhU9bPMXj4y_ys9Iu-inOhRWZXNZbEgMvvl6Fl0gOmmm0Vdq7iuhYlOCKJIg0DqlGkHv8FRZtzE8iVafzv2cYNjkpPALASA25aKFqA3fnT8Fa0Zf9PiosjjJ6_kfz_2e-2ws3dI-IYxsOuM/s1600/retro-mom-angry-280x280.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhU9bPMXj4y_ys9Iu-inOhRWZXNZbEgMvvl6Fl0gOmmm0Vdq7iuhYlOCKJIg0DqlGkHv8FRZtzE8iVafzv2cYNjkpPALASA25aKFqA3fnT8Fa0Zf9PiosjjJ6_kfz_2e-2ws3dI-IYxsOuM/s1600/retro-mom-angry-280x280.jpg" /></a></div>
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The year is 2001. I'm 30 years old. Honey Bunny is 4. The divorce is over. The custody battles are still going on. Every day is a battle. It's a battle to get her up for preschool. It's a battle to get her to eat. She defies me. She yells at me. She throws things at me. I say no to a bike while in Walmart 2 weeks before Christmas and she runs at me like a ram, head down, and cracks my ribs.<br />
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Every night, at bed, I lay with her and silently sob. She is sent to her room so often now, I wonder what the point it. Time outs are non-effective. I yell. I scream. I lose my temper-on a 4 year old. I spank her. I feel like a monster.<br />
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It's now 2005. She's in 2nd grade. The custody battles are long over. We haven't heard from her father in 4 years. But our battles, the ones where we go at each other, are still going on. I'd planned a great Halloween Party. She and I had made tons of decorations and even made the invitations by hand, burning the edges. Everything is bought for the party. She does something which makes me cancel the party. To this day, I don't remember what it was. I still feel horrible. She was 8 and I cancelled a party because of something she did related to school. What did she do? I don't know. Maybe it was she didn't complete an assignment. Maybe she failed a test. I remember her tears. I remember her shame. I remember the look on her face of horror that I cancelled her party. I remember being "the one in control" and having to do this to "teach her a lesson." Want to know the truth? I'm not sure what lesson I taught other than I was a monster.<br />
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A few months later, something was going on before school. I don't remember what again. I was trying to get out the door. I was slicing an apple. She wasn't ready or she didn't follow my directions, something. When I close my eyes, all I see in my mind's eye is the following: A cute kitchen with red cabinets and yellow walls. My standing at the counter, cutting an apple next to the sink so I could put everything easily into it once I was done packing lunch and then...an explosion. An explosion so huge it changed my life forever. I see myself turn around, with total rage on my face, throw the steak knife in the sink in my rage, and have it bounce back out at me, tip first. It just missed my eye.<br />
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My anger had done that. My rage at not being listened to and her not following my orders had created that abusive reaction. Luckily, no one was hit by the flying knife. But in that one moment, time stopped. I knew I had lost it. I had lost my control as an adult. I had lost my control as a parent. I had lost my daughter.<br />
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Honey Bunny stood there, immobilized in fear. I ran past her, up the 4 stairs to the bathroom, looked in the mirror and said out loud: "I will NEVER be the parent he was. Today, this stops." I walked out, kneeled down and held her as we both cried. She was late for school. I was late for work. But I wasn't too late to start over again.<br />
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That day, I began my journey to Whole Life Unschooling (WLU). I didn't know it then. All I knew then is that there had to be a better way to parent other than spanking, time outs, yelling, screaming, punishing and being punitive. I read everything I could get my hands on, but all authorities told me I was doing the right thing by parenting that way. So why, then, did it feel so wrong to me?<br />
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I quit my job a month later. I refused to sleep with my boss, who offered me life long security, a beautiful house, a car and everything I could ever want and need. He claimed to love my daughter and myself. I would have taken him up on it. I could have become a well paid prostitute to support my daughter except for one thing: I was friends with his wife of 20 years. I couldn't do that to her. Instead, I quit my job and lost my rental home, my car, everything physical. I ended up in my parent's 500 square foot cottage, sleeping on a bunk bed in the main room. I got the top bunk because Honey Bunny was afraid she'd roll out. This is where I really began my journey on the road to WLU.<br />
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I met my, now, husband a few months later. We were so in love. We spent every waking moment together as a family. We were married 6 months into our relationship, and I was 4 1/2 months pregnant as we walked down the isle. This November 4th, we will celebrate 8 years together. During those 8 years, I have changed how I approach relationships and parenting. Through his love and acceptance, I have become a gentle, loving IN-RELATIONSHIP parent. I have become a WLU parent.<br />
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Now, there is no screaming. There is no yelling. There is talking with, not to. There is laughter with, not at. There is communication, not shame. There are no time outs for Boo Bear. There are no spankings. There is no need. You see, we work TOGETHER. If I am upset that she didn't follow a direction, such as putting something away before she starts something else, I simply go to her and say something like: "Hey, please remember to pick that up first. Major (our puppy) would really enjoy eating that and it could hurt him," or "I'm sure you'd like to play with that again. Major may get it and I know that will make you upset. Let's do it together."<br />
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It is a difficult thing to do, change. Hubby looked at me a few months ago and said: "You've changed. I'm so confused now. You aren't who you used to be." I agreed. I'm not. In order for us to be on the same page, he chose to step up to what I am doing because it works. He has stayed in the traditional way of parenting with his two other biological children, and those relationships are tenuous at best. One child doesn't speak to him. The other it is very strained. He sees me with Honey Bunny and Boo Bear. The one child with whom it is very strained at least he is trying to be involved with. Relationships are a two way street and this child is almost 17 and doesn't have any practice being IN relationship WITH someone. Hubby gets hurt and frustrated because he keeps trying what I'm doing and it isn't working with this child. As I said, it's a two way street. But, he keeps trying. That is the beauty of WLU. You keep trying.<br />
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You will "fail." You will fall. You will fall back into old ways when hungry. angry, lonely or tired. It happens when we are stressed. When we feel an old trigger being hit, we will revert to old ways. But remember, we are in control of how we react. We can either chose to RE-act or we can chose to re-ACT. One means repeat (re) the other gives us a chance to make a different choice (act).<br />
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Today, be conscious of where your reactions are coming from. Are they from your past? Are they from the here and now. Are you RE-acting or are you re-ACTING? Ask yourself: What type of parent do I want my children to remember? Do so before you do anything today. Folding laundry and you want your child to do it? Offer to do it together. Putting dishes away and feeling like Cinderella? Start whistling a song or singing like Cinderella does and see if they come wondering what you are doing and ask them to help. Children don't want to be shamed. They WANT to be involved and do good. They want your love and your acceptance, even if you don't understand them or their motivation.<br />
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The best line I have ever heard, and I use often is this: "I love and accept you even though I don't understand you." I even use this with myself: "I love and accept <br />
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myself, even though I don't understand myself." That sets me free. Try it. It might just set you free too.Mary Herringtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11653383802059844005noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4244899762410322733.post-68820011228876783502014-10-13T08:13:00.000-04:002014-10-13T08:21:04.697-04:00Gluten Free Connection to Mental Illness<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjg8BWHkw0jZTmZ94F9HZsupny8xFUdGn4ET1kxFP4I4WX1n70yMX8t_lML-zyHklQSHqBYUctNODtCtA5wHFtwxhJjMLOpDxkmO1VJBeC70wre6D68sBpMA84faXGJqpzhJ1PVkvu5PAT6/s1600/no+wheat.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjg8BWHkw0jZTmZ94F9HZsupny8xFUdGn4ET1kxFP4I4WX1n70yMX8t_lML-zyHklQSHqBYUctNODtCtA5wHFtwxhJjMLOpDxkmO1VJBeC70wre6D68sBpMA84faXGJqpzhJ1PVkvu5PAT6/s1600/no+wheat.png" height="320" width="202" /></a><span style="background-color: #fff2cc;">Today, I'm going to venture off my usual parenting topics a bit, but not really. I'm going to talk about something near and dear to my heart: gluten free eating.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #fff2cc;">Don't roll your eyes at me. I've been doing this since the beginning of the craze and not because it's a craze, but because I discovered my body can't handle gluten (wheat, rye, barley, malt) as well as oats, corn, milk and a whole slew of other things (such as iceberg lettuce and carrots and celery).</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: #fff2cc;">We also discovered Honey Bunny and Boo Bear don't do well with it either. Whereas I end up the hospital due to severe stomach pains or passing out while having such bad diarrhea on the side of the road, crouched down leaning against my mini-van tire praying no one will drive by, that I can't even risk literally a crumb coming into contact with my food, Honey Bunny presents different side effects of gluten contamination and so does Boo Bear. Boo Bear gets migraines from hell. Personally, I don't know any migraines from heaven. All migraines are from hell. Honey Bunny, on the other hand, becomes suicidal.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: #fff2cc;">Yes, you read that right, suicidal. For us, having gluten is something that must be avoided at all cost. Boo Bear will be uncomfortable with a migraine. She will cry. She will hurt. But ultimately, it will pass. She will have an upset stomach, she will poop her brains out. She'll have bloating and all those "wonderful" gastrointestinal discomforts, but it won't be the end of the world for her.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: #fff2cc;">Honey Bunny and I? It's bad and when I say bad, I mean bad. For me, life stops for at least 3 weeks while it processes fully through my system. You read that sentence right, three weeks. It is extreme pain, worse than kidney stones and child birth combined (and that's saying something). For Honey Bunny, we are usually checking her into a psych ward within 72 hours of digested gluten for suicidal attempt or want to attempt.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: #fff2cc;">I'm sure you're shaking your head thinking I'm nuts. Am I really? The following are taken directly from www.celiacdisease.com: <span style="color: #191919; font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 17px; line-height: 25px;">(</span>http://celiacdisease.about.com/od/CeliacNeuroSymptoms/a/Gluten-Neurological-Symptoms.htm)</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: #fff2cc;"> "<span style="color: #191919; font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 17px; line-height: 25px;">Finally, there are some hints that conditions such as schizophrenia and bipolar disorder also may be affected by gluten intake in a few individuals."</span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: #fff2cc;">"<span style="color: #191919; font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 17px; line-height: 25px;"> </span><span style="color: #191919; font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 17px; line-height: 25px;">In fact, one study found that about one-third or more of celiacs suffer from depression, and 17% may have an anxiety disorder."</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #191919; font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 17px; line-height: 25px;">"</span><span style="color: #191919; font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 17px; line-height: 25px;">Nearly half of those with bipolar disorder carried the </span><a data-component="link" data-ordinal="10" data-source="inlineLink" data-type="internalLink" href="http://celiacdisease.about.com/od/diagnosingceliacdisease/a/Celiac-Disease-Genetic-Testing.htm" style="background-position: 0px 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #0099cc; font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 17px; line-height: 25px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">celiac disease genes</a><span style="color: #191919; font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 17px; line-height: 25px;"> (i.e., the genes that predispose you to celiac disease)"</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="color: #191919;"><span style="line-height: 25px;">Now, you tell me, am I nuts? Major medical research is finding a connection between the brain and the gut. Major medical research is finding a connection between gluten and mental illness, NOT just gastrointestinal discomfort. Doesn't that make you stop and wonder what the hell you are eating? What are you doing to yourself and your children, your family, when you feed them that sandwich, Friday night pizza, or mac-n-cheese?</span></span></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #191919; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="line-height: 25px;">Gluten is also known to have connections to the following disorders: depression, anxiety, sleep issues, brain fog, ADHD, epilepsy, neuropathy and vertigo. It's not just bloating, gas, fatigue, anemia, joint pain, rashes and diarrhea/constipation. </span></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #191919; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="line-height: 25px;">Remember those ads with the two eggs? One said: "This is your brain" and they turned on the burner and the eggs began to fry and the narrator next said: "This is your brain on drugs. Get the picture?" THAT'S how I feel about gluten. It fries our brains. Did you know NO ONE on Earth is actually able to digest gluten? Our bodies aren't made to break down the protein structure of it. </span></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #191919; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="line-height: 25px;">On top of that wheat is so modified through genetic engineering it isn't even considered a plant! It changes OUR DNA in ways we can't even begin to track. Doesn't that scare you? Did you know that? Did you know they now add opiates to wheat so you want to eat more and more of it? Yes, you get addicted to the bread you are eating, to the breading on your chicken nuggets, to the pretzels and the Hot Pockets and the crackers and almost everything that has a coupon for it!</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #191919; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="line-height: 25px;">Sorry. It's something I am very passionate about. Let me calm down and talk about food for a moment. That's my true passion. I once owned a gluten-free bakery. I figured out a lot during those days. </span></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #191919; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="line-height: 25px;">First: Combining my own flours was expensive. Buy pre-made mixes. They spent millions of dollars figuring them out. You don't have to.</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #191919; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="line-height: 25px;">Second: Bread batter is supposed to look like cake batter. Don't freak out. It also only needs one rise!</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #191919; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="line-height: 25px;">Third: It CAN be flavorful, delightful and exciting.</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #191919; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="line-height: 25px;">Now, onto what do we eat. I sometimes buy the processed stuff for the girls to eat, but it is expensive. Bagels are $7 for 4. Pretzels $7-$8 a bag. Those are rare and exciting when I do get them. Aldi's has come out with some decent processed stuff, but it's still processed and full of crap. I have a few websites I run and I will mention them now. Feel free to stop by and take a look.</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #191919; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="line-height: 25px;">1) www.homemadegfmeals.com </span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #191919; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: #fff2cc; line-height: 25px;">Here, I offer classes, recipes, even concierge shopping for your first few times after you go gluten free. It's a scary world in the grocery store if you don't know where to go and what to look for. </span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #191919; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="line-height: 25px;">2) The corresponding Facebook Page: </span></span>https://www.facebook.com/HomemadegfMeals?ref=hl</span><br />
<span style="background-color: #fff2cc;">TONS of recipes there. Meal plan ideas, etc.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: #fff2cc;">3)For the Vegan meals: https://www.facebook.com/6weekvegan?ref=hl</span><br />
<span style="background-color: #fff2cc;">I can't do dairy, so doing vegan is just as easy as doing Paleo.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: #fff2cc;">Here's the answer to what we eat: Here is last week's menu plan:</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: #fff2cc;">Bkfst:</span><br />
<span style="background-color: #fff2cc;">Freezer Oatmeal Cups</span><br />
<span style="background-color: #fff2cc;">Eggs & Sausage</span><br />
<span style="background-color: #fff2cc;">Crustless Quiche w/Bacon Bits</span><br />
<span style="background-color: #fff2cc;">Eggs and Avocado</span><br />
<span style="background-color: #fff2cc;">Cinnamon Quinoa Bkfst Bars</span><br />
<span style="background-color: #fff2cc;">Smoothies</span><br />
<span style="background-color: #fff2cc;">Pancakes</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #fff2cc;">Lunch:</span><br />
<span style="background-color: #fff2cc;">Tuna & Salad</span><br />
<span style="background-color: #fff2cc;">Grilled Cheese (Vegan for me, Cheddar for girls)</span><br />
<span style="background-color: #fff2cc;">Quesadillas for the girls</span><br />
<span style="background-color: #fff2cc;">Leftovers whenever</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #fff2cc;">Dinner:</span><br />
<span style="background-color: #fff2cc;">Sweet & Spicy Roasted Chicken Legs and Sautéed Garlic Kale</span><br />
<span style="background-color: #fff2cc;">Crockpot Apple Pork Loin w/Whipped Taters and Green Beans</span><br />
<span style="background-color: #fff2cc;">Grilled Steak Tacos in Bibb Lettuce & Grilled Squash</span><br />
<span style="background-color: #fff2cc;">Fiery Jalepeno Buffalo Burgers w/ Sweet Potato Pancakes and Roasted Garlic Sauce (thinking of doing pancakes as the bun)</span><br />
<span style="background-color: #fff2cc;">Red Bean Chili w/Salad</span><br />
<span style="background-color: #fff2cc;">Leftovers</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #fff2cc;">That doesn't look too bad, does it? It doesn't look like we are missing out. Oh, and as for the sandwiches you see. I bought Canyon Bakehouse Bread. The best GF bread out there. It's only $5.00 a loaf, whereas to make bread myself is over $7.00 a loaf. :) Why make it if I can buy it for less?</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #fff2cc;">Basically, my Dear Reader, begin to question what you put in your body and your family's bodies. Educate yourself to what you are truly eating. Do you remember how you made glue in school for those paper mache projects? You mixed flour with water. Guess what happens to the bread/cereal/etc. you ate does in your intestines? Yep. It makes glue....</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #fff2cc;">If you are eating organic, why are you eating wheat? If you aren't eating organic, why aren't you doing the "Dirty Dozen" (that's what I do. Eating GF can be expensive, so I pick and chose). Truth be told, my loves, I only spend $200 or less on groceries a week for our specialty diet. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #fff2cc;">How much do you spend on groceries? How much is your health worth? </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #fff2cc;">Honey Bunny's health is worth her life to us. No more than I would allow a loaded gun in my home, than I allow gluten to step foot inside my home. She follows through with this even at friend's houses because she knows it means something horrible for her.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #fff2cc;">Our next step as a family? Removing all grains to see how that effects our family. I've been doing it slowly for a few weeks now. I'll let you know how it goes next month. The past 3 weeks have already gone well. We are down 85% on even gluten free grains. Another 15% left to go! Wish us luck!</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #fff2cc;">I ask you: Do you or someone in your family suffer from any of the symptoms above? If so, change your diet. Don't know how to or where to start. Contact me. I'm happy to help: maryherrington0401@gmail.com. Put in your heading line: GF Blog Question.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #fff2cc;">I'm going to leave you with an action item: Go to your pantry/cabinets and read your labels. If you see anything with wheat/barley/rye/spelt/flour on it, write it down on a list and then see how much you are serving your family. Think about it. Do your own research. Then come back, leave me a comment below. Say how you feel about what you now know. Ask me a question. </span></div>
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Mary Herringtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11653383802059844005noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4244899762410322733.post-80917283049875611022014-10-09T07:32:00.003-04:002014-10-09T07:38:25.086-04:00No! Stop! Don't! <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
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<span style="background-color: white; color: purple; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px; text-align: center;">"When free and supported children are almost always happy. Not only that, but they are responsible and capable. I have to face my own fear and worry but I consciously commit to not placing that upon them." </span></div>
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This is a quote I read from a Facebook page by Quinn Eaker. He's a bit too radical for me, living completely off grid (I like my electricity and my hot showers) and completely anti-establishment (I am grateful for food assistance and unemployment benefits as I needed them last year this time after 18 months of unemployment). But, this article isn't about that. This article is about Parenting Out Of Fear.<br />
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Parenting out of fear is common. We all do it, if we are honest. Some of us more than others. It is hard to parent out of love and trust. "WHAT," You say. "I parent out of love!" Of course you do..but sometimes love is also fear.<br />
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We fear our child is going to fall off a counter in the kitchen so we tell them they can't climb on it. We fear they will burn themselves on the stove and grease, so we tell them they can't help us cook the bacon. We fear they will cut themselves with a knife, so we cut their dinner for them. We fear they will jump in the pool before they are ready to swim, so we put swimmys on their arms as they toddle around the pool. We fear they will fall off their bikes, so we tell them to slow down and be careful. We fear they will trip while running, so we make sure their shoes are tied tight and send them off, our hearts in our throat, and watch every step they make and tell them to not run.<br />
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All of the examples above are done out of love. We don't want our children to get hurt, to get burned, to cut themselves, to drown, to break a bone, to skin their knees...it's not a bad thing. We want to protect them and love them and keep them safe.<br />
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And yet.....<br />
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Are we keeping them safe by isolating them from these experiences? So what if they fall off the counter? So what if they break a bowl? So what if they cut themselves with a knife? So what if they fall into the pool? So what if they fall off their bike? So what if they trip while running? Did you not do any of the above and yet you have made it to adulthood?<br />
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Please do not hear I am saying go ahead and let your child put themselves in active danger. I am not. What I AM saying is allowing them the freedom to fail and to fall is okay. It is HARD. It is SCARY. I won't lie. When Boo Bear goes whizzing down our hill on our street at top speed on her bike my stomach is my throat and my heart in my feet. Yet, I look at her face and see the joy. I remember when I used to do that. Guess what? My brakes once failed and I got hit by a car. I still remember the woman's face when I hit the windshield. I got a concussion. I lived. I do ask she wears her helmet if she is going to go fast. I ask her to be conscious and responsible. That's all, and then I trust.<br />
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Want to know what I've seen while she is heading down our hill at who knows how many miles per hour? Her hyper awareness of any cars coming. She pulls her bike over in a controlled manner and stops on the grass. She is hyper-aware of her surroundings. She avoids the sand at the bottom of the road because we have discussed how sand can cause one's tires to stick and you will lose control of your bike. It scares the hell out of me. That happened to me once on a major road. No one had warned me of the dangers of sand.<br />
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I trust her to make the decision which is in her best interest. If it is wet out, Boo Bear tells me it isn't safe to go fast on the pavement and she doesn't. If it is cold out, she wears gloves and a helmet and pants. I don't ask her to. She is conscious and responsible.<br />
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When it comes to Honey Bunny, that trust of being conscious and responsible is different. She's 16. She knows the basics of physical safety. We work on emotional safety with her and physical safety in regards to the dating world. For Honey Bunny, she is being exposed to friends who are experimenting with drugs. That's really hard on her. She gets upset. She's worried about losing them to an accidental overdose. We had a long talk about drugs the other day because the subject came up and she was upset. A friend 700+ miles away texted her and let her know he had "graduated from weed to oxycodone." She asked me what oxycodone was and what it does to the body.<br />
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I've had enough surgeries to know what oxycodone does and I explained to her in large quantities it can suppress your respiratory system. I also told her I have had prescribed to me the following after having surgeries done: vicodin, valium, oxycodone, oxycotton, dialudid, xanax, and a range of others. Please excuse me if I have any misspellings there. I didn't take them the entire time they were prescribed because they are addictive and that frightens me. I have a family history of addiction and would rather take Tylenol or Motrin once the pain is able to be controlled with those. I've even argued with my doctor's about that.<br />
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I've never done illegal drugs, but I hung out with enough druggies to know what drugs do. So we ended up having a very honest talk about drugs. We talked about our fears, our curiosity, what I've seen by being the "trip walker" for friends who did acid and 'shrooms. I was honest about it. It wasn't pretty. I once watched a girl think she had her brain in her hand and when someone bumped into her, she dropped it and she believed it broke. She went into a coma. That was frightening.<br />
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We talked about how her psychotropic drugs she takes for her bipolar/anxiety/PTSD effect her system and how taking other drugs would interact with them and could potentially cause serious side effects, one being caught in a psychosis forever. I asked her to be conscious and responsible with her body. I asked her to be conscious and responsible with her involvement with the friend who "graduated" to the next drug up.<br />
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I wanted to tell her to drop that friend and move on. She has another friend I don't particularly like. He feels like a caged tiger to me. There is something lurking under the surface I can't explain but doesn't feel safe. She has even shared he told her he feels like a monster inside. It triggers every Mommy Instinct I have to protect her, drag her away and tell her she isn't allowed to have contact with this boy. But, want to know what that would do? NOTHING positive.<br />
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It would cause her to lie to me. To go behind my back. To pick another person with perhaps bigger problems. Want to know how I know this? Because I did it. I lied. I went behind my parent's back. I picked bigger and "better" abusers. Why? Because no one walked the road with me. Honey Bunny and I talked frankly about this. She agreed that she would do those things and asked me why I am allowing it. My answer?<br />
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I see myself as someone who has walked that road. I know the potholes in the road and where they are. It is my responsibility to alert her of those potholes. and if she choses to drive into them, be there to help her navigate out of them while her alignment in life is off.<br />
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She countered with she sees life as a maze. I've already made it out of that section of the maze called TEENAGEHOOD and she feels safer holding my hand through it. She requested I don't stop her from falling into all the "potholes" so she can learn things herself, and I agreed. I agreed to only direct her, as best I can, around the ones which will have a lifelong effect on her (possible rape, addiction, or death). The rest, she DOES have to learn on her own, for herself and by herself. All I can be is conscious and responsible while she grows up.<br />
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It isn't easy to parent out of love and not fear. There are times I have to stop myself and ask myself: Is this request out of love or fear? If it is fear, is it a valid fear for which there is no return (death)? If the answer is no, then the girls and I work together on a solution. I tell them my fear and together we find a way to make me feel more comfortable. If the answer is yes, it is founded in the basis of fear of death, they listen to me and stop because I haven't reacted out of fear for smaller things. I save it for the biggies in life.<br />
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Asking yourself and your children to be conscious and responsible makes a huge difference in how you live your life. Today, ask yourself the following while going through your day: "Am I reacting out of fear or love? What is my fear? Is it conscious and responsible?"<br />
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Ask your child to be "conscious and responsible" when they are doing a task which makes you cringe (if need be explain what that means, depending on their age). Observe them. Be their guide, but not their master. Parent from a place of peace and love.<br />
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Be conscious and responsible within yourself. Now, go grab the day and begin the journey. It's time.<br />
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Mary Herringtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11653383802059844005noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4244899762410322733.post-4595635656879846472014-10-08T08:25:00.002-04:002014-10-08T08:25:58.826-04:00What if You've Been Told a Lie Your Entire Life?!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px;">I ran into a friend at the library last night. Boo Bear was in her American Doll Girl Club, learning about history in the 1800's. This particular friend has a daughter a year younger than Boo Bear and the two girls are friends. She goes to private school and is in the first grade. The Mom was in tears over the amount of homework her little girl has. I encouraged the little girl to go get her homework and we'd work on it together. Sitting there, in the chair, this very hyper little girl became sad. She was on the verge of tears as she tried to read, write and do what the worksheet wanted her to do. It broke my heart. I would take her and save the family tons of private school tuition but her Dad wants her to stay in the school where she is miserable, at age 6. She is already being beaten down by the system and isn't being encouraged to be her happy and hyper little self. My soul cries for her.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, lucida grande, tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px;">When that was over, I asked her if she'd like to come grocery shopping with us and then have dinner with us. She jumped at it. I had the best two helpers a Momma could ask for! They read my list, went running to get my items and took turns either gathering the item or if it was too heavy (bag of potatoes for example) they carried it together and took turns lowering it into the cart. One would clear the way in the cart, the other would lower it down. They did this without being asked. They worked together without being asked. It was beautiful.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, lucida grande, tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px;">Back tracking, though, the Mom and I also discussed food. Makes sense as I have a shopping list and she commented, surprised, that I have one. In their home, the husband does the shopping but doesn't ask her opinion on what they want and only buys them processed foods. She is tired after working all day and dealing with all 3 kids on her own (6, 13 and 17). I began to talk about crockpot recipes and easy recipes she could whip up in under 20 minutes, the time it takes to make a frozen pizza. She was in shock. She didn't know you could do healthy food in such a short period of time. (For those of you who don't know, I used to own a gluten-free bakery and I have a few Facebook pages dedicated to my cooking: vegan recipes because I can't do dairy, as well as my gluten free cooking and one actual URL for my GF business. Ask in the comments for the address and I'll happily leave them.)</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, lucida grande, tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px;">This got me to thinking: <b>What area of your life does not need to be the way you think it has to be?</b></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, lucida grande, tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px;">For the Mom above, it was cooking. It doesn't have to be complicated or take a lot of time. It can be scrambled eggs with ham on top of a piece of bread with cheese on top melted under the broiler with a thing of bagged salad on the side and dressing. Wham bam. Done in 10 minutes and on the table. It's a full meal. Protein, dairy, carb and veggie. Can't get much easier than that. </span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, lucida grande, tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px;">For another Mom I met yesterday at the park, it was thinking about homeschooling. We've met before a few times at Park Day. She has a 5 year old, 3 year old and newborn. She always comments at how happy Boo Bear is. She is genuinely happy. You can see it when you meet her. Everyone says that. They even say it about Honey Bunny, but she is a teen who has moods. :) This Mom said she loves the idea of unschooling but is afraid of what people will ask her. She's afraid she won't know how to answer. She's afraid of what others will think. </span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, lucida grande, tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px;">What if she didn't think she had to be afraid? What if she didn't think she had to do public school at home? I answered her the following way: </span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, lucida grande, tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px;">Me:"What questions are you afraid of?"</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, lucida grande, tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px;">Her: "How do you know they are learning?"</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, lucida grande, tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px;">Me:"How did you know they could crawl?"</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, lucida grande, tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px;">Her: "They did it."</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, lucida grande, tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px;">Me: "How did you know they could walk?"</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, lucida grande, tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px;">Her: "They did it."</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, lucida grande, tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px;">Me: "How did you know they could talk?"</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, lucida grande, tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px;">Her: "They did it."</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, lucida grande, tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px;">Me: "Are you seeing a pattern here?"</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, lucida grande, tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px;">Her: "YES!"</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, lucida grande, tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px;">Me: "Did you help your little one learn how to walk by holding their arms up?"</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, lucida grande, tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px;">Her: "Yes."</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, lucida grande, tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px;">Me: "Did you help your little ones learn how to talk by talking with them?"</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, lucida grande, tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px;">Her: "Yes."</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, lucida grande, tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px;">Me: "Do you think this encouraging stops just because you are unschooling?"</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, lucida grande, tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px;">Her: "No?"</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, lucida grande, tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px;">Me: "No. I encourage my children to learn. I help them. I talk with them. I let them steer me toward what they want/need to learn."</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, lucida grande, tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px;">Now, let's take this on. How will they learn? Well, this week alone (it is only Wednesday morning and both girls are still sleeping at 8:04 am) Boo Bear has done the following: </span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, lucida grande, tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px;">Monday we made crustless quiche. She did all the measuring. That's math. We discussed the chemical reaction inside the oven with the egg that causes it to bind. That's science. We hung up original artwork of her sister's. That's geometry as well as learning to use a level and a ruler. She taught herself to sew while I took a bath because I was cranky. That's home ec. She wrote a short story. That's English. We discussed WWII and the geography of Europe. That's social studies. - Day covered. In there was also art and PE because she rode her bike.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, lucida grande, tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px;">Tuesday: She wanted to learn more about sewing and making patterns. She looked up a video on YouTube. I helped her with search words and how to spell. That's keyboarding. She learned how to measure her doll to make the right clothing size. She wrote it down. That's math and English in one. We picked persimmons from our tree and used my grandfather's food mill to make pulp and then made it into fruit leather, which we ate 6 hours later. That is social studies as we discussed her great grandpa and the world he lived in as well as science since we discussed how the slow process of dehydrating won't destroy the nutrients in the fruit leather. Again...a whole day of learning. She also built a fort and did Looney Tunes Phonics while in the tent, 4 lesson worth, because learning in a tent is so much more fun than on the couch. Oh, and we also went to the park for 3 hours and to the library for her American Girl Doll History Class and grocery shopping (see above). </span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, lucida grande, tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px;">There is learning in everything. Today, we pick up our puppy from being neutered yesterday. We will discuss the science behind that. We are also planning on watching some documentaries on dinosaurs and writing her own fairy tale story smashing the characters and story lines together to come up with a new one. She writes her plans out every day on a white board so she can help herself focus. Did I mention that is exercising her frontal lobe section of her brain, teaching her Executive Functioning skills? That's important. Teaching time management and planning is crucial in life. We use that every day as adults. </span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, lucida grande, tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px;">As you can see, there is learning happening. It is focused on her interest in the moment. </span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, lucida grande, tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px;">I used to think learning only happened in books, on worksheets and by those "in the know" because that is what I was taught. Then, I began to question that. Who knows my child better than me? No one. Who else has their best interest at heart? No one. Do the teachers care who they become as a person? I don't know. I like to say yes, but they are so over worked and over stressed they may or may not. The point is, I began to question and by questioning my thoughts, I began to see they weren't true nor were they my thoughts. </span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, lucida grande, tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px;">So, Reader, for the rest of the week, ask yourself this one question: </span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, lucida grande, tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px;">What in my life does not need to be the way I think it should be?</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, lucida grande, tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px;">Write it down. For my friend above, it is preparing dinner. Then, write down what solutions you come up with. At the end of the week, review them. See what you can implement in your life. See how your life changes. </span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, lucida grande, tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px;"><b><br /></b></span></span>Mary Herringtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11653383802059844005noreply@blogger.com0