WANTED: A Different Child
Let's be honest here, Readers. At some point, we all want our children to be different than who they are. It's a brutal opening line because it's so honest. Let me tell you about my walk on this path side by side with unschooling and how unschooling helped me better accept my children.
Honey Bunny is a terrific kid. She is loving. She is caring. She is compassionate. She is my first born. And truth be told, if Rumpelstiltskin had come and threatened to take her away a few years ago, I would have happily handed her over, waved good-bye and ran as fast as I could laughing at him for not knowing what he was getting into.
Now understand, I am not an evil mother. I am a step-mother to 2 others who don't live with us, but I am not evil. At that point in time, my sweet Honey Bunny was NOT sweet. She was horrible! She was mean. She was uncaring. She was not compassionate. She was a b*tch. She was someone who I feared being with because she was so awful. She was 12-14. We can all blame it on the teenage years but I don't believe in that nonsense at all. I know it was some of the trauma she experienced from a significant person in her life as a toddler as well as the many bullying incidents at school from age 4-12. But, I didn't want her to be a b*tch. I didn't want to live with a b*tch.
Honey Bunny also suffers from severe anxiety and depression. This is very hard on me. I'm an introvert by nature and although I enjoy reading and crocheting and being by ourselves, I also like to have people over and to be social. Most people never guess I'm an introvert because I put on a good show in public. Hello people, it's called acting. Anyway, Honey Bunny's anxiety is so severe that there are times we can't leave the house. There are times it stops her from enjoying life. Imagine a teen, who is biologically driven to belong to a group, shaking so violently in a new small group she has to leave and vomit and has massive panic attacks at even the thought of going to the grocery store.
At this point, all I wanted was a different child. I'll be honest. I wanted a child who was emotionally stable. I wanted a child who could go to the grocery store. I wanted a child who could enjoy life outside her bedroom. I wanted a child who I could share life with. I wanted a child who could suck it up and deal with the crap and move through it. I was angry. I was resentful. I was still loving her but it wasn't genuine. I can't even say looking back it was unconditional, although at the time I would have said that (silly me). I wasn't withholding my love until she did ABC, I just wasn't accepting her for who she is.
Until one day. One day, I was sharing (complaining) with a friend about how hard it is to parent Honey Bunny. How it wasn't fair. How I wanted to be able to enjoy life and share life with her but she was such a b*tch and so scared of life I couldn't get her out of her room. This wise friend asked me a question which has always stuck in my head whenever I feel like this (because it does come back):
"Would you dislike a pine tree for not being an apple tree?"
I answered "No. Of course not."
Then she went on to tell me a story which I will summarize (mainly because I don't remember it exactly). It went something like this:
One day, a woman was cutting her lawn and noticed a tree growing in her yard. She had wanted a tree in that very spot desperately and was happy to see it growing. As time went on, the tree grew and grew. One day, the woman discovered it was a pine tree. She didn't want a pine tree! She had wanted an apple tree! She had envisioned making apple pies in the fall from the apples on her tree and had visions of people's happy faces when she shared her delicious pies.
With this in mind, the woman ran over the pine tree with her lawn mower. She did this every chance she got. Every time she mowed the lawn, or had a clippers in her hand, she went out to the yard and clipped down that pine tree. Damn it! She wanted an apple tree! If she couldn't have her apple tree, she wasn't going to allow her pine tree to grow!
Her neighbor, upon seeing this strange behavior over and over, went to ask why the woman kept cutting down the lovely little tree which was growing. The woman, in a huff - all sweaty from cutting down the pine tree, yet again, told her neighbor: "Because I want an apple tree, that's why!"
The neighbor looked at the woman with the clippers in her hand, the pieces of the dying pine tree in hand and began to tell the woman how lucky she was to have a pine tree growing. It would never lose it's needles in the winter. It would provide shelter for the deer in the cold. It would look lovely decorated with holiday lights and keep the dark of night at bay while lit during those long winter nights. It could become a delicious place for pinecone feeders for the birds. A pine tree was a lovely plant and if she wanted an apple tree so badly, why not go to the nursery and buy one?
The woman was speechless. It had never occurred to her how lovely the pine tree could be because she was focused on wanting and apple tree. From that day forward, the woman never mowed or clipped that pine tree. She allowed it grow and become the beautiful tree that it was supposed to be. And that apple tree she wanted? Well, she decided to buy apples from the store. They were good enough.
What I heard in this story? I wanted an apple tree of a child! I wasn't appreciating her lovely pine tree-ness! Me! The mother who proclaimed unconditional love. The mother who said she loved her child just the way she was as she stroked her child's hair as Honey Bunny fell asleep - was lying right to her face! I was ashamed. I was embarrassed. I was a .... phony! Something I hate above all things! A hypocrite! I realized that every time I uttered a word of disappointment or frustration, I was cutting down my child, my "pine tree." Every time my face portrayed irritation or disgust I was cutting her down!
From that moment on, I began to love my pine tree daughter. I began to see the validity in who she was and is. I encouraged her growth in what SHE wanted. I let go of my fantasy of who I wanted her to be. And want to know something? We struggled. She struggled. The demons came back to my mind sometimes and told me she should be different, but I battled them. Truth be told, we both still struggle. She wants to be someone else and sometimes I want her to be that someone else. BUT..the truth also is she CAN be that someone else if ... she....choses....to. It is in her control. Life is in her control now. She can be whomever she wants to be because we have accepted her for who she is.
Through the ideology of unschooling, I have been better able to love my children with all their differences. You see, unschooling isn't about not learning. It's not about unparenting. It's about accepting the fact that a child will follow their passion and learn what they need to learn and want to learn more when they are ready to learn it. Truth be told, we ALL need to trust ourselves and unschool ourselves in our daily lives. Trusting ourselves and our children is one thing we don't do in our society, yet when we do it, the results are amazing.
My pine tree is now a beautiful young woman who still struggles from an anxiety disorder but because I accept her for who she is and trust she will contact me if she needs support, she was able to go to a prom with people she'd never met. She is now exploring her artistic side and making friends who are good for her because she is genuine. My pine tree has grown up to be beautiful and full of the ability to feed those animals in the deep dark months and light up the dark nights with her spirit all because I allowed her to become fully who she truly is: an amazing young woman I am proud to say is my daughter.
Honey Bunny is a terrific kid. She is loving. She is caring. She is compassionate. She is my first born. And truth be told, if Rumpelstiltskin had come and threatened to take her away a few years ago, I would have happily handed her over, waved good-bye and ran as fast as I could laughing at him for not knowing what he was getting into.
Now understand, I am not an evil mother. I am a step-mother to 2 others who don't live with us, but I am not evil. At that point in time, my sweet Honey Bunny was NOT sweet. She was horrible! She was mean. She was uncaring. She was not compassionate. She was a b*tch. She was someone who I feared being with because she was so awful. She was 12-14. We can all blame it on the teenage years but I don't believe in that nonsense at all. I know it was some of the trauma she experienced from a significant person in her life as a toddler as well as the many bullying incidents at school from age 4-12. But, I didn't want her to be a b*tch. I didn't want to live with a b*tch.
Honey Bunny also suffers from severe anxiety and depression. This is very hard on me. I'm an introvert by nature and although I enjoy reading and crocheting and being by ourselves, I also like to have people over and to be social. Most people never guess I'm an introvert because I put on a good show in public. Hello people, it's called acting. Anyway, Honey Bunny's anxiety is so severe that there are times we can't leave the house. There are times it stops her from enjoying life. Imagine a teen, who is biologically driven to belong to a group, shaking so violently in a new small group she has to leave and vomit and has massive panic attacks at even the thought of going to the grocery store.
At this point, all I wanted was a different child. I'll be honest. I wanted a child who was emotionally stable. I wanted a child who could go to the grocery store. I wanted a child who could enjoy life outside her bedroom. I wanted a child who I could share life with. I wanted a child who could suck it up and deal with the crap and move through it. I was angry. I was resentful. I was still loving her but it wasn't genuine. I can't even say looking back it was unconditional, although at the time I would have said that (silly me). I wasn't withholding my love until she did ABC, I just wasn't accepting her for who she is.
Until one day. One day, I was sharing (complaining) with a friend about how hard it is to parent Honey Bunny. How it wasn't fair. How I wanted to be able to enjoy life and share life with her but she was such a b*tch and so scared of life I couldn't get her out of her room. This wise friend asked me a question which has always stuck in my head whenever I feel like this (because it does come back):
"Would you dislike a pine tree for not being an apple tree?"
I answered "No. Of course not."
Then she went on to tell me a story which I will summarize (mainly because I don't remember it exactly). It went something like this:
One day, a woman was cutting her lawn and noticed a tree growing in her yard. She had wanted a tree in that very spot desperately and was happy to see it growing. As time went on, the tree grew and grew. One day, the woman discovered it was a pine tree. She didn't want a pine tree! She had wanted an apple tree! She had envisioned making apple pies in the fall from the apples on her tree and had visions of people's happy faces when she shared her delicious pies.
With this in mind, the woman ran over the pine tree with her lawn mower. She did this every chance she got. Every time she mowed the lawn, or had a clippers in her hand, she went out to the yard and clipped down that pine tree. Damn it! She wanted an apple tree! If she couldn't have her apple tree, she wasn't going to allow her pine tree to grow!
Her neighbor, upon seeing this strange behavior over and over, went to ask why the woman kept cutting down the lovely little tree which was growing. The woman, in a huff - all sweaty from cutting down the pine tree, yet again, told her neighbor: "Because I want an apple tree, that's why!"
The neighbor looked at the woman with the clippers in her hand, the pieces of the dying pine tree in hand and began to tell the woman how lucky she was to have a pine tree growing. It would never lose it's needles in the winter. It would provide shelter for the deer in the cold. It would look lovely decorated with holiday lights and keep the dark of night at bay while lit during those long winter nights. It could become a delicious place for pinecone feeders for the birds. A pine tree was a lovely plant and if she wanted an apple tree so badly, why not go to the nursery and buy one?
The woman was speechless. It had never occurred to her how lovely the pine tree could be because she was focused on wanting and apple tree. From that day forward, the woman never mowed or clipped that pine tree. She allowed it grow and become the beautiful tree that it was supposed to be. And that apple tree she wanted? Well, she decided to buy apples from the store. They were good enough.
What I heard in this story? I wanted an apple tree of a child! I wasn't appreciating her lovely pine tree-ness! Me! The mother who proclaimed unconditional love. The mother who said she loved her child just the way she was as she stroked her child's hair as Honey Bunny fell asleep - was lying right to her face! I was ashamed. I was embarrassed. I was a .... phony! Something I hate above all things! A hypocrite! I realized that every time I uttered a word of disappointment or frustration, I was cutting down my child, my "pine tree." Every time my face portrayed irritation or disgust I was cutting her down!
From that moment on, I began to love my pine tree daughter. I began to see the validity in who she was and is. I encouraged her growth in what SHE wanted. I let go of my fantasy of who I wanted her to be. And want to know something? We struggled. She struggled. The demons came back to my mind sometimes and told me she should be different, but I battled them. Truth be told, we both still struggle. She wants to be someone else and sometimes I want her to be that someone else. BUT..the truth also is she CAN be that someone else if ... she....choses....to. It is in her control. Life is in her control now. She can be whomever she wants to be because we have accepted her for who she is.
Through the ideology of unschooling, I have been better able to love my children with all their differences. You see, unschooling isn't about not learning. It's not about unparenting. It's about accepting the fact that a child will follow their passion and learn what they need to learn and want to learn more when they are ready to learn it. Truth be told, we ALL need to trust ourselves and unschool ourselves in our daily lives. Trusting ourselves and our children is one thing we don't do in our society, yet when we do it, the results are amazing.
My pine tree is now a beautiful young woman who still struggles from an anxiety disorder but because I accept her for who she is and trust she will contact me if she needs support, she was able to go to a prom with people she'd never met. She is now exploring her artistic side and making friends who are good for her because she is genuine. My pine tree has grown up to be beautiful and full of the ability to feed those animals in the deep dark months and light up the dark nights with her spirit all because I allowed her to become fully who she truly is: an amazing young woman I am proud to say is my daughter.
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