Should You?

Yesterday, Boo Bear and I went out for almost 6 hours. We made natural bird feeders, picked pumpkins, fed a horse, had a pizza and hung out together. Hubby was grumpy and I felt it best not to be home to listen to his grunts, groans and other grumpy noises.  When I got home, he was on the couch, almost asleep, and had done no house work at all. Well, not really, he had sanded the door jam down and not cleaned up any of the sawdust. Does that count?

I said nothing knowing he was having a bad day, but honestly I was annoyed. Why was there still garbage, his garbage, on the counter in the kitchen? Shouldn't he have cleaned that up?! Why wasn't the laundry folded and switched over? Shouldn't he have done that? Why weren't the dog blankets washed? The house smelled like dog. Shouldn't he have realized that and taken care of it?  Why didn't he clean up the stove, where he reheated dinner for himself? Shouldn't he have realized he needed to be responsible for his own pick up?

There I stood, standing in my laundry room, thinking about what my husband should have done, based upon what I would have done.  Man, what a bitch I was being! It occurred to me that by my putting the word "should" in there, I was assuming he wasn't doing his best. I was assuming that he had the energy, the forethought, the insight, to see what had to be done. I was assuming that he should have known. I was accusing him of not being good enough.

Wow. Let that one sink in a bit. Not being good enough. Didn't we all feel that way one way or another? Maybe our parents made us feel that way. Maybe it was sports that made us feel inferior. Maybe it was school, or a subject in school, that we thought we should be able to do better at but never could. We live with so many should's, it holds us back most of the time.

There I was, standing in my laundry room, thinking my husband "should" have done something different.  It stopped me in my tracks.

What does Free Dictionary say the definition of Should is?
should  (shd)

aux.v. Past tense of shall

1. Used to express obligation or duty 

2. Used to express probability or expectation

3. Used to express conditionality or contingency

What other things do I think people I love SHOULD do? What things do I express an obligation to or a duty to without communicating that to them about?

What things in your life do you think people should do?

Are those thoughts realistic? Are they set upon the value sense of those we love are doing their best or is it a judging stick we use to "whip" them with because they aren't living up to our expectations?

What are our expectations? Are they clear? Are they obtainable?

Do our expectations leave room for self awareness and growth? Do they encourage the person to become who they are or do they force the other person to become who we want them to be?

All these thoughts were swirling through my head while I folded boxers and neatly tucked one sock into an other.

When I was done in the laundry room, and I could hear in Hubby's voice he was still struggling, I asked myself what would I do if Honey Bunny or Boo Bear felt this way? Would I expect them to tough it out or would I be there for them? I hung my head in shame internally knowing I expected he should be able to tough it out because he's an adult, knowing I'd be more supportive to my children than my husband.

I bucked up, went out and asked him if he'd like a hug. Now, this was a big deal because he hadn't showered and smelled like, well, an oily man. Ick. Then I asked if I could draw him a tub. We have a large soaking tub.  He said yes and I drew him a nice hot tub, with Epson Salts, and took out the biggest and fluffiest towel I could find to put by the tub. He came in and asked me to stay.  Honestly, I wanted to leave and let him have some personal time, but then realized that was MY wish when I take a bath and he'd been alone for almost 6 hours that day. So, I pulled up a chair. And I listened.

He told me all about his frustrations that day. Waking up at 4:30 am and never falling back to sleep. How the door insulator wasn't fitting right. How he had to sand and sand and it still sticks and he's concerned the girls won't be able to open and close it. How the new dryer didn't set up as he expected or as easily. How everything he touched that day was an issue - from dropping screws where he couldn't see them to heating dinner and burning some to the pot. It was all just too much for him yesterday.

He shared with me his feeling of being less than. That is hard for a man. Had I acted on my "should-y" feeling, I never would have heard how he was up at 4:30. I never would have seen inside my man, but instead stood there over him in a sense, judging him.  That isn't what a good relationship  is based on.

A good relationship is based upon support, respect and love for one another. I am so thankful for that moment of irritation with my man for it showed me where I need to grow in our relationship.  Our 8 year anniversary was last Tuesday and I was wondering what else we could possibly learn about each other only to discover I don't need to learn more about him, instead, I need to learn about me.

So I ask you, dear Reader, what should's do you put on your relationships? What should's do you put upon yourself? What should's do you put upon your life? Should you make more money? Should your kids get into a high end college? Should you...what? What SHOULD do you have?  List them. During the week, when you feel someone should be doing something-write it down. Then, ask yourself this important question: "Should they REALLY?"  and then why. For what purpose does it add to their life? How is your should adding value to how they feel and live their life? Honestly now, not your projection of what you expect it to do, but what does it truly do?

Stop living a "should-y" life my dear Reader.