Trust Your Gut

Do you ever get that feeling in your gut something is wrong, but don't listen to it? Ever get it about something related to your child? What do you do if your child has a friend you don't approve of?  What do you do if they do something you don't approve of? Ever had a situation arise where you know in your gut they are making the wrong choice, but you have to let them learn the lesson on their own? These are questions every parent faces, day in and day out. From kids writing on walls to befriending those who are bad for them, each step of the way it's hard as a parent, especially if we were raised (and society tells us) shaming and controlling our child is the answer.

I want you to think about a time when you felt shamed by an adult, at any age.  I bet you can still feel that humiliation in the pit of your stomach, huh? I remember in 4th grade, I had a teacher I did not get along with.  I was painfully shy and hated to read out loud to the class, but it was required.  I was reading along and came across the word "photographer."  I pronounced it as I saw it: photo-grapher.  The teacher called me stupid and all the kids laughed at me.  I still feel that humiliation writing about it over 30 years later. Now, imagine if someone I trusted and loved had humiliated me? How much worse would I feel?

But that was only a person who I had limited contact with for a small portion of my life.  What about a situation you knew was wrong, but you did it anyway and someone else had to pay the price for it? Do you have one of those?  I do, and its a doozy.  I will get to mine in a moment.

You see, Honey Bunny has befriend a boy she knows is bad for her and I know is bad for her.  Rather than shame her into dropping the friendship, or putting rules on her which negated the friendship, I have allowed her to continue to communicate and see this person.  Please know, there was no illegal activity going on and she was not in direct harms way for physical abuse. Was emotional and mental abuse possible? Yes.  She and I discussed this friendship openly and I told her my concerns and how I was not going to stop her from this friendship, but neither would I encourage it.  It was one of those times in life where a teen has to learn on their own, in their own way, in their own time.

I will be honest, it was hard.  It sucked.  Everything in my parental body was screaming at me to put the kibosh on it: block his number, not bring her to youth group, etc.  We had stepped in a few times and not allowed her to go to a party where he would be because even she said he was bad for her and I wanted to stand by her decision and support it.  But, the truth is, I wanted to shield my baby from the pain and conflict she was feeling. Reality is, if I had, she would only up the anti on the next person she found who was bad for her. 

After 3 months of this, Honey Bunny came to me and told me this friendship was relly hurting her.  She had to cut it off.  She asked for my help.  Let that sink in for a moment.  A teen.  Asking for help. From their parent. 

Yep.  You read that right. I asked if she needed a sounding board or to help find solutions.  Those are two different things a friend has to offer.  She chose options.   I gave her three:

1) I text the boy, explain to him I am blocking his number because the friendship is toxic to her.

2) She texts him and tells him with me sitting next to her.

3) She talks with her therapist and they decide on a course of action together.

I gave her 2 hours to decide.

Honey Bunny does best with small increments of time to make a decision.  She said she needed to process and think and went upstairs to listen to music.

Here's the thing, Dear Reader, had I at any time, made her feel shamed about this friendship that I disapproved of, she would not feel safe coming to me when it was time to end it.  She would have been all alone and frightened. As a parent, and with more experience, I can often see the writing on the wall, but she can not.  Why should I deny her the ability to learn to read that writing by shaming or refusing her the ability to learn to decode it?  Isn't it my responsibility to be her guide? To assist her in her growth, not deny her of it? 

When she was learning to walk, did I carry her everywhere, when she wanted to walk, to avoid her falling down and scraping her knees? No. Did I stand by and gasp every time she fell? Yes.  Did I help her back up, tell her she did a great job and keep trying? Of course I did.  I dried her tears. I kissed her sore knees and I helped her back onto her feet when she was ready.  In essence, how is this any different?

So why is it we, as a society of parents, see the need to shame our teens while they learn different age appropriate lessons in life? Because "they should know better"?  Really? Don't you think if they knew better, they would do better?

Back to the story, ultimately, Honey Bunny chose option 1 and I texted the boy, with her permission and blocked his number.  But, the story doesn't end here.  This was just step one.  She felt empowered and I, truthfully, did a happy dance.  And for a few hours, we were both happy. But, then reality hit her.

A loss.  Another loss of a friend. Yet another betrayal. It is SO hard to do what you know is best for you, especially when it hurts.  She is still struggling with it, a week later. She misses his text attention. She misses they cycle of abuse: the tension, the action, the make up, the honeymoon phase.

This has been a life long pattern for my girl.  It's one I hope to help guide her through as gently as possible so she doesn't end up where I did.  Remember I told you I had my own story?  Well, here it is in a nutshell.

Eighteen years ago, I didn't listen to my gut and went against everything that was telling me someone in my life was bad for me. I thought that intuition knew nothing.  I was 24 and knew it all. What I couldn't know then, that I know now, is that my action of not listening to that gut feeling has caused someone I love very much to suffer the consequence of my action for the rest of their life, and they didn't have a choice. 

That someone is Honey Bunny. 

There person who was bad for me?

Her biological father who abused us both.