Teens and Sex
Let's just jump right into this uncomfortable topic, okay? Let's not pussy foot around it. Let's not pretend that abstinence is going to happen for the majority of teenagers. According to the U.S. Teenage Pregnancy Statistics, there were 274, 641 teenage pregnancies resulting in births in 2014. Let's stop pretending teenage pregnancy doesn't happen. Have theses numbers gone down since 1990? Yes, but only marginally.
So, now that the blinders are off and your heart is beating faster, let's discuss Unschooling and Teen Sex. Whoa there Reader! Breathe in to a count of ten. Breathe out to a count of ten. Okay. Ready to read on? Good.
Let's face it. Teens want to have sex. They are biologically driven to reproduce. In terms of evolution, it is only a blink back in time to where we were reproducing starting at about 13 because most only lived to be about 30-45 years old. I'm 42. I'd be ready to kick the bucket soon, if I made it this far. And back then, the entire family raised the baby, not the teens by themselves. The old saying "it takes a village to raise a child" is pretty much the truth, especially when it happens early in life.
I'm not here saying "Let's encourage our kids to drop their pants and have a great time!" I'm here to say: They want to do it. Most will find a way to do it. Would you rather know about it, and help educate them to it or would you rather they find their education about sex from the internet and their similar age friends? Come on, Reader, pull your ostrich head out of the sand....let it be you.
Where is this coming from? Honey Bunny came to me the other night and wanted to talk. It was not the best time. I had just completed a 4 day road trip to move my parents from CT to NC and was exhausted. The dogs wanted my attention. Hubby was cranky. Boo Bear wanted snuggles and Honey Bunny had sex on the mind. She is 16 and will be 17 in May. Her boyfriend is 17. I'm not surprised by it in the least, but it was not a good night to be honest.
But, I know how she gets and I knew that if Honey Bunny wanted to talk, it was important. I got Boo Bear to bed, dogs settled and let cranky Hubby be cranky. Goodness knows there wasn't anything I could do there but offer a hug, a warm bed and promise of some sleep.
When we had a moment, Honey Bunny dropped the bomb. She and Boyfriend are talking about taking their relationship to the next level. Okay. Here's the truth of the matter, no parent likes to think about their baby having sex. It seems....wrong. But, here's the other side of the truth, it's going to happen at some point, some day, some where.
Now, Honey Bunny has some complications when it comes to having a sexual relationship. Being a victim of child sexual abuse as a baby/toddler, sex brings out some pretty harsh flashbacks for her. The first time she had sex, she didn't come to me first and I had a suicidal teen on my hands without knowing why. I'm very proud of her for coming to me first. That shows great maturity.
I told her I'm really glad that she came to me first. You see, being friends with your child is how you have conversations like this. I listened. I asked questions. I didn't judge, over react or freak out. We spent a few minutes reviewing what she felt would be a good line of action. Here is what we came up with together:
1) Talk with her psychiatrist about how a birth control implant would effect her medications, if at all.
We chose the implant because when she was on the pill to regulate her system, if she even took it off by an hour, her cycle would start again, so no sleeping in. :(
2) If we discover the implant is safe, then we have to schedule a new patient appointment with a gynecologist. A full exam has to take place and the implant put in.
3) Then it has to kick in.
4) During this whole process, Boyfriend needs to accompany her to therapy sessions to discuss how her sexual trauma may effect her and their relationship.
5) BOTH need to have condom lessons to make sure the condom is put on properly. Birth control fails. Boo Bear is proof of that.
We also discussed places which are appropriate to having sex. Having sex while your little sister is home is NOT appropriate. That will not be stood for. If they want to have sex while I'm home, and her sister is not, then I suppose I can live with that. I can't say I like it, but at least I know they are safe, not going to get arrested for indecent exposure and if she has flashbacks or gets frightened, Boyfriend isn't there trying to deal with it on his own at 17. Now, between you and me, I can barely have sex with the kids in the house because I'm uncomfortable with it. If they can be comfortable knowing I'm home downstairs, more power to them. LOL
When I told Hubby about them considering a sexual relationship. His initial reaction was to freak out. He almost face palmed himself. Whereas I see it as very mature Honey Bunny came to me and we could speak about it, he sees it as she's too young. (Doofus, she's not a virgin!) You can't undo what has already been done. At least this time, she is choosing to come to me first. And the sweetest part? Boyfriend is concerned what Hubby will think of him.
After about 5 minutes to listening to Hubby's concerns, it all boiled down to his ultimate concern being she will have more sex than we do! I couldn't help but laugh. Of course teens are going to have more sex than we do! We have a family to raise, dogs to train, groceries to buy, mortgages to pay... in other words, much more on our minds/plate than just sex. I still smile thinking of that. More sex than us. LOL
Anyway, the whole point of this post is to point out that teens are going to have sex whether we approve or not. I don't want my daughter and her boyfriend to be part of the statistic above. Where does that start? At home. It starts with creating a relationship based upon friendship and trust. It starts with willing to be open with them about what a sexual relationship is, besides fornication, and how it may change their relationship. It continues with proper education about birth control. It moves forward with love and understanding and listening and caring.
Is it truly sex we are scared of or the result of an unplanned pregnancy? Discuss your true fears together. Have the discussion about unplanned pregnancy and discuss all options you are all comfortable with: abortion, adoption, raising the child yourselves, etc.
There is only one wrong answer to the above discussion in my opinion: rejecting your child and their journey.
That applies to everything in life from musical choices to tattoos and piercings to having a sexual relationship. None of those may be my choice for myself, but I will not reject or turn my back on my child because of a choice they feel is right for them.
Standing by them, being there for them, being their rock in this turbulent world is who I strive to be for my children. Their safe haven. The one who only looks down on them to offer them a hand up, with no judgement, no resentment and no fear in their eyes.
Remember, dear Reader, sex happens. But so does love.
So, now that the blinders are off and your heart is beating faster, let's discuss Unschooling and Teen Sex. Whoa there Reader! Breathe in to a count of ten. Breathe out to a count of ten. Okay. Ready to read on? Good.
Let's face it. Teens want to have sex. They are biologically driven to reproduce. In terms of evolution, it is only a blink back in time to where we were reproducing starting at about 13 because most only lived to be about 30-45 years old. I'm 42. I'd be ready to kick the bucket soon, if I made it this far. And back then, the entire family raised the baby, not the teens by themselves. The old saying "it takes a village to raise a child" is pretty much the truth, especially when it happens early in life.
I'm not here saying "Let's encourage our kids to drop their pants and have a great time!" I'm here to say: They want to do it. Most will find a way to do it. Would you rather know about it, and help educate them to it or would you rather they find their education about sex from the internet and their similar age friends? Come on, Reader, pull your ostrich head out of the sand....let it be you.
Where is this coming from? Honey Bunny came to me the other night and wanted to talk. It was not the best time. I had just completed a 4 day road trip to move my parents from CT to NC and was exhausted. The dogs wanted my attention. Hubby was cranky. Boo Bear wanted snuggles and Honey Bunny had sex on the mind. She is 16 and will be 17 in May. Her boyfriend is 17. I'm not surprised by it in the least, but it was not a good night to be honest.
But, I know how she gets and I knew that if Honey Bunny wanted to talk, it was important. I got Boo Bear to bed, dogs settled and let cranky Hubby be cranky. Goodness knows there wasn't anything I could do there but offer a hug, a warm bed and promise of some sleep.
When we had a moment, Honey Bunny dropped the bomb. She and Boyfriend are talking about taking their relationship to the next level. Okay. Here's the truth of the matter, no parent likes to think about their baby having sex. It seems....wrong. But, here's the other side of the truth, it's going to happen at some point, some day, some where.
Now, Honey Bunny has some complications when it comes to having a sexual relationship. Being a victim of child sexual abuse as a baby/toddler, sex brings out some pretty harsh flashbacks for her. The first time she had sex, she didn't come to me first and I had a suicidal teen on my hands without knowing why. I'm very proud of her for coming to me first. That shows great maturity.
I told her I'm really glad that she came to me first. You see, being friends with your child is how you have conversations like this. I listened. I asked questions. I didn't judge, over react or freak out. We spent a few minutes reviewing what she felt would be a good line of action. Here is what we came up with together:
1) Talk with her psychiatrist about how a birth control implant would effect her medications, if at all.
We chose the implant because when she was on the pill to regulate her system, if she even took it off by an hour, her cycle would start again, so no sleeping in. :(
2) If we discover the implant is safe, then we have to schedule a new patient appointment with a gynecologist. A full exam has to take place and the implant put in.
3) Then it has to kick in.
4) During this whole process, Boyfriend needs to accompany her to therapy sessions to discuss how her sexual trauma may effect her and their relationship.
5) BOTH need to have condom lessons to make sure the condom is put on properly. Birth control fails. Boo Bear is proof of that.
We also discussed places which are appropriate to having sex. Having sex while your little sister is home is NOT appropriate. That will not be stood for. If they want to have sex while I'm home, and her sister is not, then I suppose I can live with that. I can't say I like it, but at least I know they are safe, not going to get arrested for indecent exposure and if she has flashbacks or gets frightened, Boyfriend isn't there trying to deal with it on his own at 17. Now, between you and me, I can barely have sex with the kids in the house because I'm uncomfortable with it. If they can be comfortable knowing I'm home downstairs, more power to them. LOL
When I told Hubby about them considering a sexual relationship. His initial reaction was to freak out. He almost face palmed himself. Whereas I see it as very mature Honey Bunny came to me and we could speak about it, he sees it as she's too young. (Doofus, she's not a virgin!) You can't undo what has already been done. At least this time, she is choosing to come to me first. And the sweetest part? Boyfriend is concerned what Hubby will think of him.
After about 5 minutes to listening to Hubby's concerns, it all boiled down to his ultimate concern being she will have more sex than we do! I couldn't help but laugh. Of course teens are going to have more sex than we do! We have a family to raise, dogs to train, groceries to buy, mortgages to pay... in other words, much more on our minds/plate than just sex. I still smile thinking of that. More sex than us. LOL
Anyway, the whole point of this post is to point out that teens are going to have sex whether we approve or not. I don't want my daughter and her boyfriend to be part of the statistic above. Where does that start? At home. It starts with creating a relationship based upon friendship and trust. It starts with willing to be open with them about what a sexual relationship is, besides fornication, and how it may change their relationship. It continues with proper education about birth control. It moves forward with love and understanding and listening and caring.
Is it truly sex we are scared of or the result of an unplanned pregnancy? Discuss your true fears together. Have the discussion about unplanned pregnancy and discuss all options you are all comfortable with: abortion, adoption, raising the child yourselves, etc.
There is only one wrong answer to the above discussion in my opinion: rejecting your child and their journey.
That applies to everything in life from musical choices to tattoos and piercings to having a sexual relationship. None of those may be my choice for myself, but I will not reject or turn my back on my child because of a choice they feel is right for them.
Standing by them, being there for them, being their rock in this turbulent world is who I strive to be for my children. Their safe haven. The one who only looks down on them to offer them a hand up, with no judgement, no resentment and no fear in their eyes.
Remember, dear Reader, sex happens. But so does love.
That is great straight forward advice, thanks! I wish I had had such an open relationship with my mum. :)
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