The Bullying Elf

Do you see this "Certificate?!"  What does it say? It says a child was "Naughty."  This Elf on a Shelf pisses me off every year! Every year, I see post after post after post on my Facebook Page that talks about their Elf leaving their child letters about their child's behavior. Know what I see more and more? Parents using this Elf to demean their children. It breaks my heart. 

According to Webster Dictionary, the definition of demean is: to lower in character, status, or reputation 

So, with that being the case, kindly explain to me how leaving a note to anyone, let alone a child, about behavior the adult/parent does not approve of is helping bring the child's character, status or reputation up and help build their self esteem?  It doesn't.

As an adult, how would you feel if your spouse or boss or another person in authority in your life, left you notes full of insults about your behavior? Image this: you get up excited for your day. You can't wait to see what new surprise you have from this person who only appears this "magical" time of year! Then, you find a long letter telling you everything you did wrong, why this person doesn't approve of your behavior.  This person doesn't bother to tell you what you are doing right. This person doesn't come to you with a true concern about some upsetting behaviors, giving you the chance to explain them or listen as to why they are upsetting nor does that person give you the opportunity to explore different behaviors together. Instead, you are left with your day crushed, your belief in yourself reduced and you are expected to go about your day now and have a better attitude and want to work on your behavior.

Can you tell me how effectively that would work for you? Would you want to improve your behavior for the hopes of getting a certificate that said you'd been nice? Is that truly what we want our children to work toward? A certificate that says they are nice? Really?

I would rather my children work toward being more caring, loving and communicative people who will in turn mature into adults who are gentle, loving and able to properly discuss what is bother them, listen attentively and offer solutions when required.

We so often hear about bullying in schools, but where does a child learn to bully? At home.  And when does a child learn to bully? From birth on. I'm sure the parents who use the Elf on the Shelf to write these letters think they are amusing. I'm going to give them the benefit of the doubt and even go so far as to say I'm sure they are thinking they are using the Elf to show what behavior they would like their child to have and hoping that a stationary cute object will instill in their child the ability to listen to the Elf better than to the parent. I don't want to say these parents are bullying with the purpose to bully.

But they are bullying. Back to Webster's for a moment. The definition of bullying is: to frighten, hurt, or threaten (a smaller or weaker person) : to act like a bully toward (someone)

: to cause (someone) to do something by making threats or insults or by using force

So, if the Elf is being used to make a threat, such as not returning or not getting presents, then that is bullying. If the parent is using the Elf on a Shelf to frighten the child into submission by name calling, that is bullying.  If the result wanted is meant to control the child, that is bullying.

Bullyingstatistics.org says this about parental bullying: "When bullying parents use this style of parenting, they try and motivate their children by being derisive. This can be especially damaging, since it can encourage a child to think ill of him/herself. This can leave mental scars that can result in depression, as well as set the child up to have difficulty sustaining good relationships. Indeed, if a child learns how to treat people form the example of a bullying parent, he or she is likely to grow to be a bully as well, and may have a hard time developing healthy relationships.

How can we, as a society, help prevent further school shootings and bullying if the adults go so far as to bully with what should be a fun holiday expression of celebration?! 

Imagine what would happen if the parent used the Elf in a way which promoted behavior the parent wanted emulated? What if the Elf only ever spoke of the great things the child did that day? What if the Elf was only used to encourage the child? Can you image how much more "good" behavior the child would want attention for? 

Remember the scenario above? The one where you started your day with a note telling you everything you did wrong and how that made your feel throughout your day? Now, imagine yourself waking up, excited because it is the "magical" time of year and you read a note that reviewed all the wonderful things you did the day before. How you stopped to take the time to wait for someone while holding a door in the middle of a rain storm. How you were loving with your friend. How you listened when all you wanted to do was tell someone they were wrong. A letter which spoke to the behavior you did have which was positive. Wouldn't you feel better about yourself? Wouldn't you want to continue to receive praise? Wouldn't you want to behave accordingly to that feel good feeling you had? Wouldn't you want to go out into your day and embrace it all those you encountered?

It's a completely different world when we take a moment to recognize the positive, rather than the negative. As a society, we will get nowhere good if we continue to recognize the ugly parts of a person or of their day. Demeaning another, even with the intent of being humorous or amusing, is bullying. Bullying is painful. Bullying by a parent even more so.

I encourage you, if you use this Elf on a Shelf, to only use it for humor and examples of good behavior. Throw out the "naughty" certificates. Throw out the examples of behavior you don't want. Use the Elf to show the good behavior and the fun things your child did. You yourself need to talk to your child about behaviors that upset you. YOU need to do the dirty work, not some inanimate object which should represent fun and magic of the season. You need to listen to them, talk with them and find solutions together. THAT is how we stop bullying. We begin at home.