Teens & Body Modification

Body modification. Whoa! Here's a topic which gets all parents up in hackles-whether you support it or are against it. Personally, I'm not big into gauged ears, pierced faces or tattoos.  Not my flavor. I have a tattoo.  It's a small infinity sign on my left ring finger because I am allergic to my wedding band and engagement ring. The nickel in the platinum and white gold cause my finger to break out in blisters.  It's pretty painful. A year ago, Hubby and I had had an argument while he was unemployed and I was so frustrated at him and the state of our marriage that I needed something permanent to remind me of my commitment to him, so I stopped in a tattoo parlor on the way home that day, kids in tow, and had it done right then and there. No forethought. No planning. No idea what I wanted. I just walked in, said I'd like a small tattoo on my finger to represent my commitment to my marriage and walked out an hour later with a very painful finger and the lifetime reminder of my commitment to a flawed human being. :)

So how does my tattoo connect to teenage body modification? Great question. Seven months ago, Honey Bunny was struggling with her addiction to cutting. I actually went back and read my post about her cutting here on the Bored Gargoyle the other night (made myself cry). Back then, I made her a promise. If she could stay clean for six months, I would take her to get a tattoo which would remind her not to cut herself. For the following six months, every time she was tempted to cut, she remembered how desperately she wanted those tattoos.  In the beginning, it was my promise that stopped her from cutting.  Ninety days into it, it was the promise to herself that stopped her from cutting.

During those months, she had to prove to me she knew what she was doing and why. I asked her to write up why having a tattoo was important to her. I asked her to do some in person interviews of people who got tattoos as a teen. I wanted her to hear their opinions of their tattoos. What did they like? Did they still like their tattoo while in their 40's or beyond? Do they feel they made the right choice getting a tattoo as a teen? Why did they chose that particular tattoo?

She discovered those who took the time to make sure their tattoo would be timeless still loved it. Those that ran off in rebellion and had a tattoo which meant nothing to them, other than their rebellion at that time, disliked their tattoos. She thought about what she wanted it to say. Many conversations over those months revolved around what should her wrists say to remind her to not cut.

A few nights before her tattoo, Honey Bunny was being a complete brat. Yes, it happens. Unschooled teens do not walk on water nor are they perfect. And having a bipolar 2, anxious, PTSD, anorexic teen means we have moments which are not too glorious. We'd had a difficult family therapy session and she had been a true brat all week.  I'd broken my wrist (it's still broken) and needed help around the house (still do) and she was refusing to help. Not cool. Even her therapist was surprised at her cruelty toward the situation and myself. He had suggested that if she isn't helping out and isn't eating, that her boyfriend couldn't come over. Normally, I wouldn't go to such measures as talking with her is usually enough-but that week it wasn't. Her meds weren't working well, she was a bitch to be honest and she needed something to shake her out of it. So, I agreed.

Of course Honey Bunny was angry at not being able to see him that night. I wasn't canceling a plan already made. I was simply saying no to him coming over that night.  Here's the most frightening thing about parenting:

There is no formula! The frightening thing about parenting is that our children hear everything we say and watch everything thing we do and they expect those two to line up.

I had to hold the line here. My message of word to action had to line up. When we got home, she stormed up to her room. I went to start dinner.  A few hours later, she ventured downstairs with a video she wanted to share with me. It was about tattooing. She had taken the time and opportunity to do more research about tattooing so she better understood it. The video was scientific in it's origin. It was about the epidermis and dermis and the ink and how it is injected and into which layer. She also showed me the chemical compounds of each color of ink, which had metals in them and which didn't. She showed me how organic inks work in comparison to non-organic inks.  Then, Honey Bunny showed me the images of tattoos the woman who was going to do her tattoo has done.

Now, if I had insisted she do that research, she never would have done it. If I hadn't held the line and hadn't had my actions and my words support one another about her behavior being unacceptable, she never would have done it. You see, Unschooling doesn't mean your kids walk all over you. It means you live in respect with one another. She wasn't respecting me and my needs. It wasn't a want for her to do help load the dishwasher or fold laundry.  It was a need. It still is a need. (You should see my typing this with one hand and a finger. It's pretty humorous.)

The blessing in parenting is that there is no formula. So what do formulas and body modification have to do with one another?  A LOT!

Most of us have been raised to believe in the following "formula":

A rebelling teen does the following for attention: dye their hair odd colors, pierce their body, gauge their ears and get tattoos.  Teens who do such things are a menace to society.

Let's think about this for a moment and take it point by point.
1) Dying hair odd colors. Yes, Honey Bunny's hair is pink this week. Last week is was Raspberry Red. A few weeks before that it was Teal. Now, let's discuss the hair coloring industry.  How many different shades of color from platinum blonde to black are there on the shelves in CVS? Your local grocery story? The beauty salon? Oh wait, you mean you, too, dye your hair? - Negate that statement.

2) Pierce their body. Yep. Honey Bunny has a lip piercing. I don't want one. Looked painful getting that needle through her lip. Grossed me out. No thanks. But-my ears are pierced. I modified my body. Are your ears pierced? Yes? Well, negate that statement.

3) Gauging ears. Again not my thing. I think of National Geographic with those women who's ear holes fell to their shoulders they were stretched out so much! I have been scarred by saggy boobed/big ear hole women I saw as a child in NG. But todays gauges aren't that big. Have you ever bought a pair of earrings where the earring pole was too wide for your hole? I know I have. That's now negated. And if not, well, is it hurting you if someone else has their earring holes bigger than yours? No? Definitely negate it.

4)Tattoos. Oh, this is a big one! Under aged tattoos. Any tattoos. Society has told us that tattoos are the mark of the devil, so to speak. Only those on the fringe of society get tattoos.  Only those who buck the system get tattoos. Only those who are against the status quo get tattoos. They are a life long commitment to something you may not like in 20 years. I'll admit, I used to be of this group. I won't lie. But watching Honey Bunny's commitment to herself to not cut, to work on stopping her addiction, changed my mind.

Why wouldn't I support her want to be clean? I have always said I would give anything for her to stop cutting. Our children are great observers. They hear, see and read everything we do and they have to make it their own. Sometimes, that takes them down some pretty ugly paths full of bad decisions and heartache. But how we respond to them during those times is crucial-to both our relationship with one another and their relationship with themselves.

So, to be honest with her and myself, I said I would do anything...and a tattoo is anything. A piercing falls under that same category. So does hair dye. If having pink hair, a ring through her lip and tattoos that say: "Stay Strong" on one wrist and "Love Yourself" on the other helps her stay clean and fight the demons inside of her, I was going to make sure I supported that 100%.

You see, I didn't have to throw my beliefs out the window. I simply had to allow them not to count for her. I still don't believe that I want gauged ears or a pierced body part nor do I want another tattoo at this time, but if something is true-such as my belief in her want to stay clean and her claiming these modifications would help her-then I can chose to look at it long and hard and think about it long and hard and compare it with other beliefs-and discover it will stand on it's own. It will be reliable and true.

How we deal with the early doubts and questions in our relationships can make huge differences in a child's life. Will Honey Bunny always want that pierced lip? I don't know. For now, she does. Will she always want gauged ears? I don't know. For now, she does. Will she always want fun colored hair? I don't know. For now, she does. Will she always want those tattoos? Yes. For now and always.

Will I always support her unconditionally? No. I will not support her unconditionally if she choses to hurt herself. Will I always be there for her unconditionally? Yes. Yes I will. Will her having pink/blue/teal/red or whatever color hair make me love her less? No. It will not. Will her having her face pierced, ears gauged or tattoos on her wrists make her less of a person to me? No. It will not.

You see, dear Reader, parenting isn't parroting. It's not about following the right formula, whether that  be an unschooling formula or a strict formula. It's about finding what is right, true and reliable for you and your child.  You won't find the right answers for you in a book, a blog or even in a magazine. You will find the right answer for you and your family in your heart, through trial and error. You may find your belief systems run counter to society. You may find your comfort zone is what society says. You may find it somewhere in-between. In the end, though, you should ask yourself the following:
"If my child is hearing, seeing, and reading everything I do-what message is that giving them and is it one I want them to repeat?"

They will repeat it. They will make your statement their own. You can't control how they interpret it, but you can be in charge of supporting them while they explore their world and what it means to them.  In the end, parenting is a journey full of modifications along the way.  Be at peace with them and love one another through it all. Remember: Stay Strong and Love Yourself.