No Strings Attached

It's Tuesday morning, my house is a mess. We were gone for 24 hours and I returned with a pulled back and complete lack of sleep. Hubby and I have different definitions of "picked up," "cleaned up," and most importantly, "put away."  Yet, there I was last night, barely able to move, laying in bed, only able to request assistance - while he sat on the couch watching TV.

I had two choices: accept the help he was giving or belittle what he wasn't doing according to my private specifications. Man, this was hard. In the past 8 years, I've had to learn how to let go. I used to be a major control freak. I cleaned my floors 2 times a day. I picked up everything, all the time, put it away. My house was spotless. And then I married Hubby. I inherited two other children instantly and was pregnant. My perfection only brought me misery. I had to learn to let go. It wasn't easy.

To this day, I truly hate dishes in the sink overnight. I hate dirty kitchens. I hate messy bathrooms. I hate laundry rooms with dirty laundry on the floor-I hate dirty laundry on any floor to be honest. But way back when, I had relationships fraught with conditions, and those began to feel like there was no rest for the weary. And I was weary.

Nowadays, I am more relaxed. Things aren't picked up? Not so much an issue, except if it is deadly for Puppy Boy if he gets into it and swallows it. Lost a Barbie and her arms? Well, that's a natural consequence to leaving it down where Puppy Boy could get to it. Lost a pair of nice shoes, Hubby? Well, perhaps next time you will remember to close the closet door behind you so Puppy Boy doesn't get into it and decide those $200 loafers are so much more tasty than his toy. Lost your collection of Sharpies, Honey Bunny? Perhaps you should have picked them up off the floor.  No longer can I stand guard against their habits than I can the weather.  They must learn for themselves.

As parent's, that's a hard one, isn't it? Allowing our children to learn for themselves, with no strings attached. They won't learn the lesson of picking up if I put a condition on it. If I say: "You didn't pick X up, so now you must be punished." All they will remember is the punishment, not the lesson of picking up X.

What is it that we want our children to learn? Is it important they learn the dates of wars? Is it important that they learn what DeMoivre's Theorem is? (I had to look this one up: The formula useful for finding powers and roots to complex numbers. I've never used it personally.) Ask yourself: "What in life truly needs to have strings attached?"  If I am honest, I can think of nothing. No relationship needs to have strings attached. No education needs to have strings attached for true learning to occur.

Webster's Dictionary defines learning as thus: "the activity or process of gaining knowledge or skill by studying, practicing, being taught, or experiencing something "

Nowhere does it say learning is a passive action for which we dictate what someone learns nor does it say learning must be quantified by testing. Quantification of learning is attaching a string to it. When we attach strings to our relationships, they become a burden. They become a win/lose situation. One must retain power over that string in order to remain in control.

What would happen if you removed that condition? Chaos? Perhaps, at first. No one would know what to do. No one would know what is expected of them. You may see hours of MineCraft and then you hit the panic button. I see it all the time on my FB feed; parents frightened their child is spending too much time doing video games. I ask you: Would you be so upset if they spent all that time reading? Why the condition on video games?

As parents, we are so afraid of failing we attach strings to our children, adding burden to our journey. I'm not saying don't have expectations for your children. I'm saying talk WITH them about THEIR expectations. Work WITH them to help obtain THEIR goals. Mirror YOUR goals and they will learn how to achieve their own. Don't put a string on their life. It is their life. They aren't a kite to be controlled. They are a bird who needs to learn how to ride the currents and ebb and flow of life.

Relax, my dear Reader. Your babies will outgrow co-sleeping all too soon. They will begin to sleep through the night. They will learn how to read.  Trust me. My now 7 year old has never read a Bob Book, yet she is reading advanced Amerian Girl Doll books because they challenge her and interest her.

Your 10-15 year old will have their passion return. Right now, they are doing a lot of internal work. Release your grip and allow them to discover their passions. Only step in if depression or other dangers issue come into play. One day soon, they will be 16-18 and they will have already done the work most do at age 18+ to discover what it is they want to study in their "other life" and will be self-motivated to achieve their own greatness.

Although parenting doesn't stop at 18, we somehow attach the string of "you are all grown up, it's up to you now" at that age in our society. Their ability to make responsible decisions after that age will rely heavily on what seeds were planted when they were younger. You reap what you sow. It is wise to remember that. Plant what you want to grow in them early on and you will create a beautiful young adult, able to handle the many changing winds and tides of the adult world.

We are all doing the best we can in each moment. For me, last night, that meant being grateful Hubby made us hash browns and bacon for dinner and cuddled into bed with Boo Bear and I at 10pm. He doesn't normally snuggle with us. It meant letting Honey Bunny sleep because she was sick. It meant loving myself enough to let myself heal so today I could tackle the kitchen and the laundry room feeling a bit better.

Today's request for you is this: Let loose your conditional strings on yourself, your children, your spouse.  Allow your relationships to bloom as they are. Allow yourself the ability to love freely. Then, watch as you all grow together. Watch the joy, the laughter, the happiness. And when your fearful strings come back around (and they will), put them at ease. Relax again and tell them they aren't needed. This life has No Strings Attached.