No! Stop! Don't!

"When free and supported children are almost always happy. Not only that,  but they are responsible and capable. I have to face my own fear and worry but I consciously commit to not placing that upon them." 

This is a quote I read from a Facebook page by Quinn Eaker. He's a bit too radical for me, living completely off grid (I like my electricity and my hot showers) and completely anti-establishment (I am grateful for food assistance and unemployment benefits as I needed them last year this time after 18 months of unemployment). But, this article isn't about that. This article is about Parenting Out Of Fear.

Parenting out of fear is common. We all do it, if we are honest. Some of us more than others. It is hard to parent out of love and trust. "WHAT," You say. "I parent out of love!" Of course you do..but sometimes love is also fear.

We fear our child is going to fall off a counter in the kitchen so we tell them they can't climb on it. We fear they will burn themselves on the stove and grease, so we tell them they can't help us cook the bacon. We fear they will cut themselves with a knife, so we cut their dinner for them. We fear they will jump in the pool before they are ready to swim, so we put swimmys on their arms as they toddle around the pool. We fear they will fall off their bikes, so we tell them to slow down and be careful. We fear they will trip while running, so we make sure their shoes are tied tight and send them off, our hearts in our throat, and watch every step they make and tell them to not run.

All of the examples above are done out of love. We don't want our children to get hurt, to get burned, to cut themselves, to drown, to break a bone, to skin their knees...it's not a bad thing. We want to protect them and love them and keep them safe.

And yet.....

Are we keeping them safe by isolating them from these experiences? So what if they fall off the counter? So what if they break a bowl? So what if they cut themselves with a knife? So what if they fall into the pool? So what if they fall off their bike? So what if they trip while running? Did you not do any of the above and yet you have made it to adulthood?

Please do not hear I am saying go ahead and let your child put themselves in active danger. I am not. What I AM saying is allowing them the freedom to fail and to fall is okay. It is HARD. It is SCARY. I won't lie. When Boo Bear goes whizzing down our hill on our street at top speed on her bike my stomach is my throat and my heart in my feet. Yet, I look at her face and see the joy. I remember when I used to do that. Guess what? My brakes once failed and I got hit by a car. I still remember the woman's face when I hit the windshield. I got a concussion. I lived. I do ask she wears her helmet if she is going to go fast. I ask her to be conscious and responsible. That's all, and then I trust.

Want to know what I've seen while she is heading down our hill at who knows how many miles per hour? Her hyper awareness of any cars coming. She pulls her bike over in a controlled manner and stops on the grass. She is hyper-aware of her surroundings. She avoids the sand at the bottom of the road because we have discussed how sand can cause one's tires to stick and you will lose control of your bike. It scares the hell out of me. That happened to me once on a major road. No one had warned me of the dangers of sand.

I trust her to make the decision which is in her best interest. If it is wet out, Boo Bear tells me it isn't safe to go fast on the pavement and she doesn't. If it is cold out, she wears gloves and a helmet and pants. I don't ask her to. She is conscious and responsible.

When it comes to Honey Bunny, that trust of being conscious and responsible is different. She's 16. She knows the basics of physical safety. We work on emotional safety with her and physical safety in regards to the dating world. For Honey Bunny, she is being exposed to friends who are experimenting with drugs. That's really hard on her. She gets upset. She's worried about losing them to an accidental overdose. We had a long talk about drugs the other day because the subject came up and she was upset. A friend 700+ miles away texted her and let her know he had "graduated from weed to oxycodone." She asked me what oxycodone was and what it does to the body.

I've had enough surgeries to know what oxycodone does and I explained to her in large quantities it can suppress your respiratory system. I also told her I have had prescribed to me the following after having surgeries done: vicodin, valium, oxycodone, oxycotton, dialudid, xanax, and a range of others. Please excuse me if I have any misspellings there. I didn't take them the entire time they were prescribed because they are addictive and that frightens me. I have a family history of addiction and would rather take Tylenol or Motrin once the pain is able to be controlled with those. I've even argued with my doctor's about that.

I've never done illegal drugs, but I hung out with enough druggies to know what drugs do. So we ended up having a very honest talk about drugs. We talked about our fears, our curiosity, what I've seen by being the "trip walker" for friends who did acid and 'shrooms. I was honest about it. It wasn't pretty. I once watched a girl think she had her brain in her hand and when someone bumped into her, she dropped it and she believed it broke. She went into a coma. That was frightening.

We talked about how her psychotropic drugs she takes for her bipolar/anxiety/PTSD effect her system and how taking other drugs would interact with them and could potentially cause serious side effects, one being caught in a psychosis forever.  I asked her to be conscious and responsible with her body. I asked her to be conscious and responsible with her involvement with the friend who "graduated" to the next drug up.

I wanted to tell her to drop that friend and move on. She has another friend I don't particularly like. He feels like a caged tiger to me. There is something lurking under the surface I can't explain but doesn't feel safe. She has even shared he told her he feels like a monster inside. It triggers every Mommy Instinct I have to protect her, drag her away and tell her she isn't allowed to have contact with this boy. But, want to know what that would do? NOTHING positive.

It would cause her to lie to me. To go behind my back. To pick another person with perhaps bigger problems. Want to know how I know this? Because I did it. I lied. I went behind my parent's back. I picked bigger and "better" abusers. Why? Because no one walked the road with me. Honey Bunny and I talked frankly about this. She agreed that she would do those things and asked me why I am allowing it. My answer?

I see myself as someone who has walked that road. I know the potholes in the road and where they are. It is my responsibility to alert her of those potholes. and if she choses to drive into them, be there to help her navigate out of them while her alignment in life is off.

She countered with she sees life as a maze. I've already made it out of that section of the maze called TEENAGEHOOD and she feels safer holding my hand through it. She requested I don't stop her from falling into all the "potholes" so she can learn things herself, and I agreed. I agreed to only direct her, as best I can, around the ones which will have a lifelong effect on her (possible rape, addiction, or death). The rest, she DOES have to learn on her own, for herself and by herself. All I can be is conscious and responsible while she grows up.

It isn't easy to parent out of love and not fear. There are times I have to stop myself and ask myself: Is this request out of love or fear? If it is fear, is it a valid fear for which there is no return (death)? If the answer is no, then the girls and I work together on a solution. I tell them my fear and together we find a way to make me feel more comfortable. If the answer is yes, it is founded in the basis of fear of death, they listen to me and stop because I haven't reacted out of fear for smaller things. I save it for the biggies in life.

Asking yourself and your children to be conscious and responsible makes a huge difference in how you live your life. Today, ask yourself the following while going through your day: "Am I reacting out of fear or love? What is my fear? Is it conscious and responsible?"

Ask your child to be "conscious and responsible" when they are doing a task which makes you cringe (if need be explain what that means, depending on their age). Observe them. Be their guide, but not their master. Parent from a place of peace and love.

Be conscious and responsible within yourself. Now, go grab the day and begin the journey. It's time.