The Monster I Was Before



The year is 2001. I'm 30 years old. Honey Bunny is 4. The divorce is over. The custody battles are still going on. Every day is a battle.  It's a battle to get her up for preschool. It's a battle to get her to eat. She defies me. She yells at me. She throws things at me. I say no to a bike while in Walmart 2 weeks before Christmas and she runs at me like a ram, head down, and cracks my ribs.

Every night, at bed, I lay with her and silently sob. She is sent to her room so often now, I wonder what the point it. Time outs are non-effective. I yell. I scream. I lose my temper-on a 4 year old. I spank her. I feel like a monster.

It's now 2005. She's in 2nd grade. The custody battles are long over. We haven't heard from her father in 4 years. But our battles, the ones where we go at each other, are still going on. I'd planned a great Halloween Party. She and I had made tons of decorations and even made the invitations by hand, burning the edges. Everything is bought for the party. She does something which makes me cancel the party. To this day, I don't remember what it was. I still feel horrible. She was 8 and I cancelled a party because of something she did related to school. What did she do? I don't know. Maybe it was she didn't complete an assignment. Maybe she failed a test. I remember her tears. I remember her shame. I remember the look on her face of horror that I cancelled her party. I remember being "the one in control" and having to do this to "teach her a lesson."  Want to know the truth? I'm not sure what lesson I taught other than I was a monster.

A few months later, something was going on before school. I don't remember what again. I was trying to get out the door. I was slicing an apple. She wasn't ready or she didn't follow my directions, something. When I close my eyes, all I see in my mind's eye is the following: A cute kitchen with red cabinets and yellow walls. My standing at the counter, cutting an apple next to the sink so I could put everything easily into it once I was done packing lunch and then...an explosion. An explosion so huge it changed my life forever. I see myself turn around, with total rage on my face, throw the steak knife in the sink in my rage, and have it bounce back out at me, tip first. It just missed my eye.

My anger had done that. My rage at not being listened to and her not following my orders had created that abusive reaction. Luckily, no one was hit by the flying knife. But in that one moment, time stopped. I knew I had lost it. I had lost my control as an adult. I had lost my control as a parent. I had lost my daughter.

Honey Bunny stood there, immobilized in fear. I ran past her, up the 4 stairs to the bathroom, looked in the mirror and said out loud: "I will NEVER be the parent he was. Today, this stops." I walked out, kneeled down and held her as we both cried. She was late for school. I was late for work. But I wasn't too late to start over again.

That day, I began my journey to Whole Life Unschooling (WLU). I didn't know it then. All I knew then is that there had to be a better way to parent other than spanking, time outs, yelling, screaming, punishing and being punitive. I read everything I could get my hands on, but all authorities told me I was doing the right thing by parenting that way. So why, then, did it feel so wrong to me?

I quit my job a month later. I refused to sleep with my boss, who offered me life long security, a beautiful house, a car and everything I could ever want and need. He claimed to love my daughter and myself. I would have taken him up on it. I could have become a well paid prostitute to support my daughter except for one thing: I was friends with his wife of 20 years. I couldn't do that to her. Instead, I quit my job and lost my rental home, my car, everything physical. I ended up in my parent's 500 square foot cottage, sleeping on a bunk bed in the main room. I got the top bunk because Honey Bunny was afraid she'd roll out. This is where I really began my journey on the road to WLU.

I met my, now, husband a few months later. We were so in love. We spent every waking moment together as a family. We were married 6 months into our relationship, and I was 4 1/2 months pregnant as we walked down the isle. This November 4th, we will celebrate 8 years together. During those 8 years, I have changed how I approach relationships and parenting. Through his love and acceptance, I have become a gentle, loving IN-RELATIONSHIP parent. I have become a WLU parent.

Now, there is no screaming. There is no yelling. There is talking with, not to. There is laughter with, not at. There is communication, not shame. There are no time outs for Boo Bear. There are no spankings. There is no need. You see, we work TOGETHER. If I am upset that she didn't follow a direction, such as putting something away before she starts something else, I simply go to her and say something like: "Hey, please remember to pick that up first. Major (our puppy) would really enjoy eating that and it could hurt him," or "I'm sure you'd like to play with that again. Major may get it and I know that will make you upset. Let's do it together."

It is a difficult thing to do, change. Hubby looked at me a few months ago and said: "You've changed. I'm so confused now. You aren't who you used to be." I agreed. I'm not. In order for us to be on the same page, he chose to step up to what I am doing because it works. He has stayed in the traditional way of parenting with his two other biological children, and those relationships are tenuous at best. One child doesn't speak to him. The other it is very strained. He sees me with Honey Bunny and Boo Bear. The one child with whom it is very strained at least he is trying to be involved with. Relationships are a two way street and this child is almost 17 and doesn't have any practice being IN relationship WITH someone. Hubby gets hurt and frustrated because he keeps trying what I'm doing and it isn't working with this child. As I said, it's a two way street. But, he keeps trying. That is the beauty of WLU. You keep trying.

You will "fail." You will fall. You will fall back into old ways when hungry. angry, lonely or tired. It happens when we are stressed. When we feel an old trigger being hit, we will revert to old ways. But remember, we are in control of how we react. We can either chose to RE-act or we can chose to re-ACT. One means repeat (re) the other gives us a chance to make a different choice (act).

Today, be conscious of where your reactions are coming from. Are they from your past? Are they from the here and now. Are you RE-acting or are you re-ACTING? Ask yourself: What type of parent do I want my children to remember? Do so before you do anything today. Folding laundry and you want your child to do it? Offer to do it together. Putting dishes away and feeling like Cinderella? Start  whistling a song or singing like Cinderella does and see if they come wondering what you are doing and ask them to help. Children don't want to be shamed. They WANT to be involved and do good. They want your love and your acceptance, even if you don't understand them or their motivation.

The best line I have ever heard, and I use often is this: "I love and accept you even though I don't understand you." I even use this with myself: "I love and accept
myself, even though I don't understand myself." That sets me free. Try it. It might just set you free too.

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